Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

[PrimeCrush]

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

But he will be living in a much better house now that he would not get for what he is paying in.
It works both ways.

So why does he have to contribute more then? Hes subsiding OP and her son, why?

Seem like you both pay 45% of your salary for bills but he is obviously left with higher disposal income. On the other side you also have child maintenance and child benefit. I presume your child lives with you most of the time so he is covering some of your childs costs in terms of food and bills. I don't think he is hugely unreasonable to as you to pay some more but I also seems a bit petty for the amounts involved.

OP is still benefitting more than him right now tho as given she has a child to support her costs SHOULD be higher than his. Just because he earns more - he does not have a child to support.

Because they agreed when deciding to live together to pay a certain amount each based on what each could afford.

OP and any woman with a child would be daft to live with a man who only wants to pay his actual costs. Because unless she is a high earner, she will always be worse off. Most single mothers can claim universal credit. They don't get it when living with a working partner because the state said the partner should be contributing instead.

This ⬆️

OP… I think you’ve had it quite easy up to now. Your partner has a valid point, and you should probably sit down and work out a fairer share of your contribution, based on your total income (all of it…you really don’t need to ‘label’ where it comes from, it’s literally just income once it’s in your bank account!)

Not necessarily. I don't know where they are in the country but £1650 is not a great deal to cover rent, food and bills. He might have had a lovely room in a larger and nicer shared house than he has now. The first house I lived in on my own was much worse than shared rental accommodation I'd had previously.

Or he might have been living with family for nothing, in which case he's not better off financially.

We moved into a new rented house together, neither of us owned a property.

I do use the joint account for food and obviously ds uses the heating etc. His clothes, school stuff, clubs and things like that come out of my account though. We dont have a family car, we both have our own cars and pay for them ourselves. Days out are a bit of both really, sometimes he pays sometimes I do, we dont keep track of every little thing.

I do have some money left most months but it depends what ds needs. If he needs new trainers or has a school trip or whatever then thats where the child benefit and maintenance goes. Its not like ive got loads sitting there doing nothing. He is 7 so theres always something.

I work 30 hours a week. I could probably work more but my hours fit around school and I dont have family nearby who can just pick him up if I get stuck at work. My partner knew that when we moved in together.

I can see the point about the split not being done by percentage, maybe we should look at that again if the account is regularly short. But I dont agree that all the money I get for ds should automatically go in the joint account. I wouldnt expect him to pay for every single thing ds needs either, thats not what Im saying.

I think what has annoyed me is that we agreed how we would do things and now its being made out like Im not treating him as family because I havent changed it.

Agreed. It doesn't sound like your household is particularly flush, unless you have low living expenses. Lots of things have gone up. The CB is a red herring really.

If your living costs have risen the thing to do is both of you to up your contributions to the joint account. Not for one of you to throw in ring-fenced funds and then cover the things those funds were ring-fenced for out of disposable income.

I'd be worried here that DP is looking at ways to kedp his outgoings the same by increasing your contributio, and is being emotionally manipulative about it. He gets to keep his disposable income while asking you to sacrifice yours, all in the interests of being "proper family". When he starts paying for your son's school uniform and shoes - that's when he can start talking about being part of a family.

Add up all the things you have to pay for yourself (ie not from joint account so not food and electric etc) for your son - shoes, clothes, school trips, birthday party gifts, swimming lessons, Christmas presents etc. Then show him how child benefit doesn’t cover those expenses.

He is extremely unreasonable.

Did you use to claim UC before moving in with DP?

No it doesnt as that example is really aimed at families where the father of the children is living with them.
Ops partner is not the father of this child. No he shouldnt have to spend his money housing this child because its not his kid.
Right now he's paying £350 a month more than OP towards rent and billa while the child actual fucking father only tips up £180 a month. Why should this man have to subsidise a child that isnt his while the childs actual father pays less?

Given that this conversation started because the amount in the joint account isn't enough to cover the bills this month which includes food, then I think that I would think your partner asking you to contribute the child benefit to help cover food for your child actually seems fair. To keep all the child maintenance and child benefit to cover 'additional costs' like shoes and school trips etc seems like a fairly large sum especially if you are struggling to afford food to eat.
Whilst the amounts that you both agreed to pay up front for bills 18months ago seemed fine then, given the cost of living has increased massively, if your salaries haven't gone up, now might be the time to look at what 'extras' you need to cut back on to be sure you can pay the essential bills. And if that means that the child benefit goes to pay for food for your child rather than a school trip or after school activity then actually I think your partner has a point.

If you food shopping etc is coming out of the joint account what are you spending £280 a month on for your child? I get some month - August for example that are more expensive that other for uniform/days out etc. where does Christmas/birthdays come from? Does you child have activities that you pay subs for? Does your partner understand this?

or are you buying your child unnecessary clothes/shoes/toys etc. I think it’s important to know to judge whether you should be putting some more money towards the bills.

Why is the child’s father not contributing more?

@PrimeCrush please please don't disadvantage your son. Children only get more expensive as they get older. Also make sure your partner is doing his share of housework and cooking.

Never get yourself into a financial situation where you would be better off living apart from your partner. Remember if you did you could claim universal credit.

Basically put your child first before your partner. I have seen too many relationships where the male partner fights for what is fair financially and has money to spend on nice clothes etc, while the child or children have cheap second hand clothes and their mum can't afford to pay for activities.

Difficulty is OP that we're in an inflationary environment. You two agreed your finances based on early 2025 prices, but those are no longer available. The extra money is going to have to come from somewhere.

Unnecessary clothes and toys?? She is not earning a fortune so not buying thirty pairs of trainers for her son. But neither should her son be managing on the bare minimum.

Tell him you agree to do this but all costs for DS come out of the joint account going forwards.

Yes but that is an argument for them both to pay an inflationary increase

I think you should both pay in the same amount tbh. You're getting extra income even if it is for your son. How about 850 each? You both have enough left over to save or spend.

No, its a recognition that in living with a partner that woman is likely to have reduced costs due to economies of scale, sharing the bills and rent. Its not an expectation that unrelated man should have to support a child that isnt his.

If your child is costing more, than your childs father should be paying more. I understand that children grow and need new things, but it really doesn't cost £280 every month to buy clothes, shoes for a 7 year old, unless you are buying expensive crap that doesn't last.

So then they both put eg 10% extra in to the joint account. The “partner’s” living costs will have increased with inflation as well.