Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

[PrimeCrush]

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

That might be common where both are parents to the child and all costs for the child are shared but in this case the DP wants to benefit from the CB whilst the child's father pays maintenance for the child.

The OP/DP split for bills is pretty proportionate to their incomes. That is normal. The OP contribution plus the maintenance plus the CB should mean the DP is not contributing toward the child.

As PP say - if the DP wants a shared pot including the child's income then he needs to be paying the shared costs of the child which will likely be more than the CB.

Do you use it to pay for his food / laundry / heating etc?

If you pay stuff according to your total post-tax income, you should be paying 44% of joint expenses and he 56%, so currently you are paying too little. Should be 726 & 924 on that basis. But then if 42% of your child benefit and maintenance is going into the joint pot then you need to discuss what child-related expenses come out of the joint pot versus your personal income. Not easy to figure out the costs of having a child.

Don't do this. The man already has more money to spend on himself. If OP did this, the child would lose out because no way would her partner agree to ordinary child costs.

I suppose you get £1450 plus £180 plus £108 = £1738/month. There are 2 of you in the house so I think possibly you are getting a good deal to only be paying £650/month. But I still think he is being mean to bring your son’s child benefit into the equation. Can you afford to invest any of it into child trust fund so it’s not part of spends.

I think his point is that he is effectively contributing more for your child than either of that child's parents.

I think your partner has a point.

You don't need to pay child benefit into the account, but you should increase your monthly contribution to £750 and he should reduce his to £900.

This sums it up!

@rocket your calculations ignore the extra child related costs OP is meeting.

Sums what up? Taking advantage of a man when the kid isn't even his?

So you are paying the same percentage of income into the pot for joint bills (45.5% for him, 44.8% for you) even though you have your DC living there as well.
In this scenario, I would definitely say it is fair for the CB to be included in the joint pot. As you say, it is to pay for child-related expenses, which are covered mostly (housing/food) by this joint pot.

This!!
650 a month for all those expenses for two people -ie you and your son - when he is contributing 1000 for one person does seem very unfair.

His dad pays the £180 maintenance into my account, not the joint one. I use that for ds as well.

So that plus the CB is over £280 per month that you're keeping back, while paying less than him into the joint account?

I think you should pay in a little bit more tbh.

If I am getting this right -

You have £1450+£180+£100-£650 = £1080 for yourself/ds

He has £2200-£1000 = £1200 for himself

You both have a decent amount of disposable income if it is after all bills.

Do all bills come out of the joint income? e.g. family car? ds food? what are other big expenses - who pays for days out, takeaways etc?

Do either of you have anything left at the end of the month?

So take money away from the child so her partner has more money? You are ignoring all the child related costs.
OP would be better off single if the money is going to be treated as if children don't cost a lot. She would get universal credit to help. Or she could stay with her partner, pay him more, and her and her child live on less than they would get if she lived without her partner. How is that fair?

If you want to be a family as her partner says then you put the well being of the children in that family ahead of who can grab the most income.

OK, so based on your latest post.
You have £1450+£117+£180 a month in total. That's £1747.
He has £2200.

Let's assume your bills are £1800 (£1650 is not quite enough so the discussion is mostly about where the extra comes from).

Option 1: If you split your income proportionally, you would be paying £800 and him £1000.

Option 2: If you "allocate" £150 to cover your child's bills, and split proportionally, you would be paying £880 and he would be paying £920

However, if we assume that you keep your CB and CM, you have income of £1450.

Option 3: If you split your income proportionally, you would be paying £715 and he would be paying £1085

Option 4: Allocating the £150 to cover your child's bills to you, the split looks like our paying £805 and he pays £995

Feel free to add your own scenarios. But based on those he's not unreasonable to say you should be adding more to the pot.

But actually your total income including £117 child benefit per month (its paid 4 weekly but actually per month works out 117 a month as there are 13 4 weekly payments a year) plus the 180 maintenance from your ex, is about 1750. So about 79% of his 2200. Yet you are only paying 65% into the joint account of what hes paying and that's to house both you and your son plus bills.
You should be paying 790 per month to his 1000. Right now he is subsiding you the costs of your son - you wouldn't be able to get housing and bills covered for you and your son for just £650 anywhere else!!!

You say it was calculated on what you could each afford but how were you affording it before you moved in with this man as no way were you only paying £650 to cover rent, bills, council tax etc?

@Fasthorses no way the partner was only paying what he was paying either?

Married with two dc and all child benefit went into their own accounts for us to use as we saw fit (both signatories on the account - not sure how that works if ones not their official parent?)
Then it doesn't just disappear on the petrol and water bill (but you can choose to use it for that if you want to).

But those are her costs to bear as its her child, not his.
He will indeed have more money to spend on himself as he hasnt chosen to have a child to support. OP's child is hers and her ex partners to support.

My view is that CB/CM goes into the family pot, which most things come out of, I think that's what most families do. I disagree with other posters who say that your partner sounds controlling or as if he resents your son, but if you want to be considered as a family then all money coming into the household should be considered when working out finances. Your partner is contributing more than you despite the fact that your contribution is supposed to cover 2 people, and even though there is little difference between your respective incomes. Meanwhile you are ringfencing money for DS by keeping it separate, even though he is included in the household bills (presumably the household bills cover DS too). I think that's unfair and hypocritical tbh. Are you working part-time? Is there a reason that your income is low?

As a single man he might have been living in a basic studio or 1 bed flat.
Or living in a shared house. £1000 might have covered that - £1000 to cover 1 person is a lot more than £650 to cover 2!

Then he doesn't get access to the money that is specifically to support the child or to try and emotionally blackmail OP by claiming you don't see us as a family.

Can you afford to split out with him and live on your own? Does not sound like you do.