Partner says my Child Benefit should go towards his bills as well

[PrimeCrush]

Been arguing about this since yesterday and wondering if im being unreasonable.

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and living together about 18 months. I have a ds who is 7 from a previous relationship, he lives with us full time and sees his dad alternate Saturdays. My partner has no children of his own.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, food etc but dont put all our wages in there. He earns more than me so he puts in £1000 a month and I put in £650. We agreed this when we moved in and its been fine up until now. We both keep the rest of our money in our own accounts.

I get child benefit for ds and it goes into my account. I use it for his school stuff, clothes, shoes, trips and all the little things that seem to come up constantly when you have a child. His dad pays £180 maintenance a month which helps but it doesnt cover everything and he buys him presents separately as well. Ive never really thought about putting the child benefit into our joint account because its for ds.

Anyway our joint account was a bit lower than usual this month because a few bills came out close together and my partner said I should start paying my child benefit into it. His argument is that ds lives here and uses the heating, eats the food etc so its not fair that I keep that money to myself when we’re supposed to be a family.

I said I already pay £650 a month towards the bills and food and he earns more than me so thats why we agreed on different amounts in the first place. He said thats not the point and if we had a child together the benefit would go into the joint account so he doesnt see why it should be different just because ds isnt biologically his.

I do get what he means to a point. Obviously ds uses things in the house and my partner does buy food he eats and things like that. Im not saying he should have to pay for everything for my child. But I also dont think the answer is that money I get to help bring up ds should automatically be used to cover bills when we already have an arrangement.

He reckons Im keeping it separate because I dont see us as a proper family. Thats not how I see it at all, but now Im wondering if Im being unfair.

Should child benefit go into a joint account when you’re living with someone who isnt the child’s parent?

Spot on.

Yes. She contributes to the bills already.. so why does he have to take her child benefit was my point.

They are not putting enough in to the household pot so ultimately more is needed so he trying to think through how. It’s either more from op, more from him or both and there are arguments in both directions. His suggestion is no worse than the op saying he should put in more.

Apologies OP, I see now that your home is rented.

But the OP says "when we moved in" - and I read this as that OP and DS moved in with her partner. The rent will be the same. Council tax would increase by 1/3. If her partner lived alone, utilties have a standing charge. If partner did no cooking or cleaning before OP and son moved in, then he would be spending more outside. If he was doing cooking and cleaning, having an adult and child move in probably doesn't double costs, especially if he's not being asked to buy shoes, contribute to school trips etc.

Maintenance sounds low but if bills are shooting up and £1650 doesn't cover it, perhaps OP should ask for it to be reviewed and contribute more to the bills fund.

If you have a DH or DP who considers nursery and after school childcare costs for their own children against their income, and school meals, trips, clothes and all the extras, congratulations. I'm not saying mine is sexist, I don't think he is, but we were together for a while when we had babies. I had quite good maternity leave, but when I went back and had to pay a childminder, I took sandwiches in every day, and a jar of coffee, and only went out to lunch quite occasionally, mostly to meet my mum. I was in a council building, and all over the building I would see women doing this, especially other admin staff and people on any grade within the basic rate tax band. A couple of my colleagues moved to Northampton thinking they could commute, but within a couple of years/months realised that they didn't really want to spend so much of the kids' childhood doing that.

I think referring to the child benefit is a red herring. DP is asking the OP to contribute a bit more because the joint account is not covering all the costs. All this chat about the DP trying to steal a child's money is ridiculous. OP - you and your DP need to go through your budget and figure out what you can and cannot afford to do. We have no information about what you and your DP spend you "leftover money" on...does he have any additional costs associated with working (i.e. transport, lunch etc) or is he putting money into a private pension or any type of savings for a deposit on a house..... or does he fritter it all on fun stuff? I think that if you are serious about being a family then it makes sense that you have roughly the same amount of "fun money" but I if he is saving or putting money into a pension then I don't see how you can have an issue with this? If you stay together or even get married then you will benefit from the house you both buy, or the pension he saves. Likewise, it the relationship goes tits up why should he throw all his finances at supporting you and your DS? As a single man he could probably rent a one bedroom flat and if he is working full time he won't have much housework to contend with. People are trying to paint this as some sort of situation where you are providing him with free housework, childcare and subsidising his cost of living when that's simply not true....you are able to work part time and live in a 3 bedroom house despite your exDH paying a paltry £180 towards the cost of bringing up your child. If you genuinely think you are being ripped off then you should leave because you are viewing your relationship purely through the lens of what it provides you financially and that's not fair on anyone. However, if you love your DP and want the relationship to work then sit down and talk this through.

Further, my question is that it appears OP moved into an existing home with her son, rather than finding a new flat. If she's contributing towards the rent, even a lower percentage, is her name now on the tenancy too? Also no indication whether this is private rented or council or social housing (or even shared ownership). I think a couple on this joint income would struggle to even afford a new private sector tenancy - yes, it might be over £50K per annum but he is a basic rate tax payer.

Yep.

Being able to ensure you don't spend CB/other child related benefits and maintenance on anything to do with the child's keep is for people who've got access to some other form of income to cover all basic bills. Be that their own wages, the child's other parent, new partner, savings, whatever. OP has previously been in that position, now she might not be.

What is the monthly rent?

Exactly! So it's weird this bloke is going on about her child benefit instead of just admitting he wants her to contribute more. He's making some weird point he doesn't need to make about his involvement as a stepdad.

I ask what the cost of the rent is as I would LOVE to be able to live on 650 a month minus rent .

OPs partner has far more than that to live in after rent, a £1000 and no child to buy things for

It is reasonable to say CB is towards child's
needs and that includes utilities and food, but i get if you use it for other DS expenses. And i dont think the CB specifically should go in BUT if you have DS and he has no kids you are 2 people to his 1. So depending on the discrepancy between your wages and considering this recent shortfall I do think its fair to consider are you each putting enough in.

@PrimeCrush what amount of your 650 is rent ?

Her partner is not a room mate where you do a strict I spend you spend calculation. They are romantic partners. He already has a lot more money left over for personal spending than OP has.

Costs have risen and he wants to keep the same amount of personal spending, and take the extra money from the money that buys the OPs son his clothes and activities.

Anyone who wants to live with a partner and their children and treat money as if they were room mates, is not a good partner.

So if you put your child benefit into the joint account tell your partner that all your sons needs, clothes, shoes, trip money, gifts, that you currently spend it on from your account, will now come out of the joint account. See how he feels about that.

If they aren’t married, and she has a child, then she should most definitely object to him saying needs her to pay more so he can pay more into his own pension which is just for him. They need to pay what’s fair for the relationship and if that lets him add more to his pension then fine. But if his pension is an essential input to the calculation, then so is hers.

They are hardly acting as roommates, roommates would pay 50:50. He effectively subsidizes her to work part time so that she doesn’t need to pay childcare, sounds like something you do in a relationship and definitely not a housemate arrangement

I think you're looking at the wrong figure.

He is putting in £1000 a month and the OP mentions moving in with him, implying he was already paying bills at that level.

Rent on a small flat of under a £1000 month is not in the private sector in many places. It's most likely to be a council or housing association tenancy. Is she on the tenancy? Does she have permission to be there? Because frankly no one defending the man's view here seems to have even noticed that, and at least one PP has been really rude for me over missing a mention of the rent but totally ignored the actual questions that I'm raising.

She is putting in £650 a month
She has a further £180 maintenance and £108 child benefit, so £288 a month

£1650 a month wouldn't go far where I live renting in the private sector for rent alone, and I'm in one of the last cheap areas of North London (some years ago now). Nor, honestly, would £1938. That's why I think she's moved into his council or social housing rental.

She has less money to spend on her and her son, than he does just on himself. Is that how you would treat someone you love?
She also does the majority of the housework, cooking and laundry. He has a good deal.

Yes I don't think we're getting a true picture here.

I would run
what’s the point in this relationship

Ok, thanks for responding to what I posted. I'm sensitive about these things, and I'm fragile this week, as I'm missing my mum on a significant anniversary. I come from a family of multiple marriages and stepparents, and some really difficult situations over money and property which I won't detail again further.

We need both of your earnings to vote IMO.

@Redragtoabull or maybe you just need to read the thread?

@elkiedee she says clearly they rented a house together and chose to rent a three bedroom. Where I live they could easily rent for this amount.