Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

Obviously no one is entitled to anyone else money - goes without saying.

But no, I wouldn’t keep more money than I could possibly need, while watching my children struggle.

I think becase she hasn't really struggled for most of her life she doesn't really understand peoples struggles etc. But, it is after all her money and her inheritance, so you have to accept that she decides what to do with it, it's hers.
She has given 50K to each when she didn't have to. I think some appreciation is needed here for her generosity. Fifty thousand is a lot of money on its own, but your problem is you are comparing it to the sum she received, so you don't see it as being generous. She's only 70, she's not even that old, my Grandma is 95 & still going strong, people are living longer.
Don't wish someone dead just because of money, I know you haven't but I see pp comments on 'she will be dead soon', how awful is that?
Do we really value people as just money instead of actual people?
Money brings out the worst in people as we can see from this thread. If it's going to cause arguments then both parties shouldn't be receiving any of it.

As an aside, I do wonder whether some younger posters on MN will consider that when they have reached their 70s, they will "be dead soon".

In the UK, it's not at all unusual for women to live to their late 80s, early 90s.
My late mother and my late mother-in-law were both nearly 90 when they died. My husband, who died 12 weeks ago, would have been 80 next month. His grandparents were in their 80s and 90s when they died, his great aunt was 92. My late dad was 82 and my grandfather was 92.

I'll be 74 next month. I don't feel that much different than I did when I was 64. I certainly don't wake up each morning thinking I'll "be dead soon".

Yep. Agree. My own mum developed dementia at 71 and lived until she was 95. Specialist dementia care is horribly expensive. I think it’s totally selfish of this lady’s family to assume she won’t need the money at her age, given the cost of full time care.

I tend to think that if you inherit wealth that is family money that you are a steward of, not just money to blow as you please.

Imagine if you owned Downton Abbey - it would be regarded as totally unacceptable if you just blew all the funds that facilitate the maintenance of the estate.

If you are a self made individual and want to spend it all before you die, sure, go ahead. But inheritance is a privilege whereby you have the opportunity to create recurring wealth that supports your family for generations to come if appropriately managed.

My sincere condolences on your loss @pigmygoatsinjumpers 💐

Thank you, ThreadGuardDog.

If this lady had to go into care and lived for ten years or so, more than half of that money would be eaten up in fees.

What a tight fisted old git she is!
If I had a windfall like that I would give my children way more money.
Even so, bite your tongue and keep her sweet or you'll get written out of the will completely. She's enjoying the power of being lady muck and she'll use it to play you off against each other.

I cannot imagine the OP gifting any of her money to a future DIL. Ever. Not without strings attached.

Inheritances are so tricky. Obviously as you know, legally it is hers to keep. However I couldn't watch my children struggle with mental health and working 2 jobs whilst sitting on such a huge amount.

Also hard to fully judge how much is reasonable for her to need, as you aren't in the UK so how expensive is CoL where you are, how healthy is she (for life expectancy but also help needed in the future). She didn't have a pension before, so what would have happened when her savings ran out? Given the cultural differences, would either of her DS have been expected to house and care for her?

Has she taken any professional advice? It should be fairly easy for a professional to calculate how much she needs in order to maintain her standard of living, and therefore how much she can afford to give away (cash flow modelling/forecasting). This is assuming she doesn't just intend to increase her spending to use it all, obviously she is entitled to, just couldn't myself whilst watching my kids struggle.

Your DP just has to manage how he best can. If she hasn't been the best parent overall, this situation is likely difficult to accept but also not fully surprising. Going against what she previously promised is the biggest kicker, as much for him watching his brother struggle probably. She is gifting something at least, so hopefully he can enjoy that and move on emotionally.

She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall

'Only' 50k!?

I’ve just passed the ninth anniversary of my beloved husbands’ passing and I can well remember how raw and painful it was after just three months. If it’s of any comfort it’s trite but true that time is a healer and you will learn to live with the loss. The pain eases and the happier memories resurface. Grief isn’t a linear process, so be kind to yourself.x

If my kids would abandon me over money they'll inherit in the end anyway, then I'd let them go and bequeath it to some other cause. And if I thought they were being nice to me just to get their hands on my money, I'd cut them off and get a cat. I'm not interested in love that has to be bought.

The interest on that inheritance will provide her with a nice little pension. Statistically she probably only has another 20 years tops in this world. Be patient.

What did she do wrong in life to deserve a DIL like you. You are the morally corrupt 1 not her. Threatening that she will have a lonely life because you cant get your hands on a bigger cut. Discusting. Show her who you are so she can divert her will to those more deserving.

It doesn't sound like she has had this money long. Someone who has had very little in life and no pension to lean on when it is gone would understandably be very cautious to give anything large away before working out what to do with it. A million pounds will hardly buy you a mansion in many parts, especially by the time stamp duty is paid and i don't even mean just in the SE. And why shouldn't she use this opportunity to be able to afford whatever dream house she finds, in the exact location she wants to live out the rest of her days. By the time she gets a lovely house, maybe a car and furniture for the house, a holiday or 2, running costs for this house. She could have 500k left. If she lives until 90, that is only 25k per year. What if she lives longer?

She is being very sensible to make sure this money lasts her for the rest of her days. Maybe she will give further lump sums when she has figured everything out and has everything she needs, maybe she will just hold on just in case and her family can wait for her passing to get the inheritance.

Love how you think you hold any of the cards here and speak for her children, you don't dictate what they do, this is their mother, their inheritance, even if they are as grabby and cruel as you, they won't be leaving her lonely risking she will cut them out of the will

I keep repeating I do not want the money. It’s not mine to want or have and I could not care less. Not sure why people cannot read that statement which I keep repeating. I’m asking about morals and percents and help, not about her cash for my account clearly.

You can say you don't want the money all you like, but you clearly do. Why else are you so outraged by your partner ONLY getting £50k?

On the question of morals, yours are very questionable.

Think yourselves very lucky . £50k is a huge gift
I suspect MIL knows that you are money grabbers and is ensuring that you wait for any further gifts / inheritance. I like her style

I’d like to think I’d gift my DC more than £50k each if I found myself in her situation, but it would also depend on their circumstances.

I’m curious, though: you make it clear £50k isn’t enough in your eyes, but suggest £350k would be. What makes that amount acceptable to you? And what about if it were £300k? Or £250k? Or £100k? At what point would you feel she’d fulfilled her moral obligation to her DC?

I don’t think it makes you grabby to be upset on your DP’s behalf — especially if this is part of a wider issue with their relationship — but I don’t believe she has a moral obligation to gift her DC anything. This is especially true (IMO) if the law where you are means everything will come to the DC on her death in any case.

If her children are so shallow that they would abandon her for the sake of £300,000 ( the difference been what OP wants and what she seems to be getting) then MIL is wise to keep her money till her death.

In 20 years time she may well want to be looking for a five star care home that charge £2000 a week. If her children do not care enough to visit, then there are many charities to choose where to send what is left.

It is about the 50k. If the inheritance was bigger there would be no moral question as none of you would be living in riches or poverty. That’s where the question stems from.
I thinking breaking a relationship with your mum/mil because she inherited money and your belief is you haven’t been given ‘enough’ is awful. Morally it’s clearly right for her but not you. It’s up to her. The value of a relationship should go beyond money, you are judging your worth to her in monetary terms.

Selfish people are parents too,l know people who think it is morally correct never to give an inheritance even if they received one themselves. I also think you underestimate how much a child will put up with to maintain a relationship with their parent- it's not as if you can say my parent is being fair can l please have a different parent.

The younger son is not struggling. He is working two jobs because he wants a "nice lifestyle". That's his personal choice (and OPs, presumably, as its her husband).

I'm with you OP. How wonderful for her that she's struggled all her life and now has this life-changing windfall; however, how utterly selfish of her to not think of helping out her family in a significant manner and sharing her good fortune so that they can also benefit in a life-changing way.

I know with absolute certainty if I were in that situation, the first thing I would do would be to work out who I would gift money to, how much for them, how much I would keep, how it would be done etc. My partner feels the same way. I'm surprised that in the face of such absurd abundance, most posters on this thread are questioning your feelings on the matter.

Unless there's some backstory to come, like poor parent-child relationships, I don't think you are unreasonable in feeling the way you do at all.

YABVU.

I can't believe you're thinking of cutting someone out of your life who is GIVING you £50K!