Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

She can spend all she likes and have nothing left which is perfectly fine and acceptable even if I think it’s morally a terrible choice. By law where she lives she is obliged however to give 50% of her assets to her children on death so that’s not a question on table of cutting the kids off, law doesn’t permit it and thank goodness that country is aware of the moral obligation of parents despite what 75% of people think here. Whether it be 10k or 10M there is a moral (not economic) obligation.

I keep repeating I do not want the money. It’s not mine to want or have and I could not care less. Not sure why people cannot read that statement which I keep repeating. I’m asking about morals and percents and help, not about her cash for my account clearly.

The MIL is not in the UK.

Why aren’t you giving your own husband money if he’s struggling financially abd working two jobs and you’re well off? That should be your first priority, not preying on an elderly woman. That is what is morally reprehensible.

It’s not a moral obligation. I will take care of my child. They have had great childhood and I will help towards a house deposit if I’m able, but I also want to enjoy my retirement and that’s absolutely ok as well.

There is no moral right and wrong here

She’s not liked much by my partner but as societal rules dictate in his culture she’s welcome into our life and home of course for many weeks a year
I am not quite literally saying we’ll never see her again but her 4 weeks a year at our home will no longer be happening. A once a year visit to her will more than suffice at this point. I repeat not a lovely kind and clearly not generous mother. Rather a very difficult mother by all accounts so there isn’t copious amounts of love for her anyway

Charming. Sounds like you are lucky your DP is getting £50k. I don't think I'd be rushing to give money to someone who "doesn't like" me much or speaks of me in those terms.

You are also very stupid because even looking at it cynically, if you alienate her from her son ("her 4 weeks a year at our home will no longer be happening") you are cutting off any real shot at the 1.85 million in her will when she dies. I don't think much of your partner if he agrees to not have her stay for 4 weeks if that has been a traditional thing -sounds like you are the driver of that here and it's not kind to try to drive a greater wedge between a mother and son when actually its their relationship to manage.

It's all very nasty sounding.

Whatever county that is I like the law of 50% to children.

Everyone has different morals, hopefully she will rethink, but your partner needs to keep her onside if he wants anymore.
Tbh as a child I would expect more but then I had a wonderful relationship with my parents, this doesn't sound like a very lovely relationship to start with, so really can't expect more at this time. X

Maybe she'd love to give it to her sons but doesn't want a grabby DIL to get their hands on it. So she is at this very moment in negotiations with a financial advisor to facilitate this complex outcome. After all, you seem to have been pretty savvy with your own financial affairs. Still, it's not all about the kerching kerching, is it?

Goodness, where to start?

« I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money. »

Who is the « beautiful child » here?

You’re aware of the struggles who has had? You and your DP? You, your DP and BIL? Everyone???

‘You can only imagine whose struggles in his thirties? Your DP’s or his brother’s??? Or your DC’s, are you projecting here???

You say you wish to buy your BIL (or maybe your DC?) a small property? If you’re hoping to do that from your own investments, where does the urgent need for a large inheritance come from? Or are you saying your MIL should give you lots of dosh so that much later you’ll be able to buy a property for your own DC? If that’s your angle btw much more tax efficient for MIL to gift directly to your child.

Whatever, I still think YABU

I don't think there's a morally "correct" answer to what she should do with the money. Some would say the right thing to do from a moral standpoint is to give it to charity, for example. Most of us could live on less than we do, without many of our luxuries, and give more of our money to charities who help people in truly dire circumstances. But we don't.

I think it's a mistake to judge her morally here on the basis of "I personally couldn't live with myself if I did that, so therefore she is immoral". She clearly doesn't see the world, money, family in the same way as you, she has a different perspective. You are disappointed in her, which is fair, but I think the question is to what extent is her choice reprehensible and unforgivable, rather than disappointing but not worth changing your relationship with her over.

By law where she lives she is obliged however to give 50% of her assets to her children on death so that’s not a question on table of cutting the kids off, law doesn’t permit it and thank goodness that country is aware of the moral obligation of parents despite what 75% of people think here.

The way you are going, she may gift it all to the other child during her life though. There are all sorts of ways this could be evaded. She may even move countries with her new found wealth - probably to get even further away from you! LOL.

Perhaps your MIL is worried that her selfish DIL will fleece her DH and run off with the money if she gifts it?

Your post is contradictory. You say you don’t care about the money, then go on to say you do on behalf of your partner.
That her decision is enraging and upsetting and that these types of mothers do they even understand the emotional distress behaving this way causes ?
The two points are at odds with each other. You do care. You are angry.

Oi! Who says she'll be dead soon? She could live to 90 (I am 76 and no sign yet of the grim reaper).

She is 70. She could live for another 20 years.

She may need to fund care home or nursing home fees, at some point. There are no guarantees.

A £50k gift is lovely.

She probably needs some time to take it all in and decide what to do with the rest.

It isn't that people can't read what you've written but rather it isn't really believable that you don't want the money because of the obvious sense of entitlement that is oozing from all of your posts.

If you are as financially secure as you say you are, why is your husband having to work two jobs to maintain an acceptable lifestyle? And why would you expect his mother to share all of her resources when you, as his wife, seemingly won't? And yes, you said that you do share, but you're still talking about your half of the mortgage, your car, your businesses etc as if you aren't actually a single financial unit. If your businesses are doing as well as you say they are, then why don't you pay off your husband's half of the mortgage so that he doesn't need to work so much?

Honestly, I find your suggestion in the OP that the relationship with your MIL will end as the result of her only deciding to gift each of her children £50k when you think they should be entitled to more to be pretty despicable. And yes, you've backtracked on it a bit in response to criticism but it's clear from your OP what you meant. It is would be laughable that you seem to think you have the moral high ground in this situation if it wasn't so very sad that there are people out there who actually think about their family members in such cold, transactional terms.

If I needed to buy my child's ongoing affection, I'm not sure that it would be really worth having.2

Exactly this! If people who really love people should help them out financially, set her the example yourself.

Your only interest in her money should be concern that she receives wise advice on how to invest and use it.

Possibly she thinks that if she gave you more, she wouldn’t see you for dust? I’d take the £50K with gratitude and hope she leaves you more in her will.

Yes this is hilarious! Her part of the property is paid off, she’s very comfortable… but doesn’t want to share anything with her husband. Her MIL who is handing over 50000 is apparently selfish and they should cut all contact. Honestly, cannot fathom being married to someone who would happily see me struggle to pay half the mortgage while their “half” was mortgage free.

Be grateful for the £50k. She could have 30 plus years left, and/or require a great deal of care. She has no pension, so she may well need this money. If there is any left over when she's gone, you may get some more at that point

Maybe she's doing this to see how her sons/you react, to decide who really deserves the money.

. . . speechless at the entitlement . . .

you keep saying it's not about the money - but you're moaning about her not making the "moral" choice you think she should have made in relation to that money.

you lied in your first post saying it was a positive parental relationship - now you say she's been a difficult mother, it's all strained and she has never given your your husband a birthday card. why lie?

why be surprised if you think she's such a witch?

why are you entitled to protect your family money but she's not entitled to make sure hers is protected?

I'd rather have my parents than any money they may have.

You seem fixated on her money. I hope she spends it all on fast cars, toyboys and exotic holidays, and leaves nothing.

Is she in good health OP ? Because at her age if she gives away a significant chunk of this money and she has a reasonable expectation of needing care then the LA will treat her as though she still has it. In the world of care fees £1.8m realistically doesn’t go far if she needs specialist care - dementia care for example is costing one of my relatives upwards of £1800 a week - and that’s without the optional extras that have to be paid for. In simple terms it’s nearly £100,00 a year. Maybe she could afford to be a bit more generous but I wouldn’t advise anyone of her age to be profligate because it could be the difference between a comfortable care home where all her needs are taken care of, and relying on the local authority.