Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

Some people are just tight with their money and there is nothing you can do about it.

With property and investments parents are worth around £1 million. Mum has had dementia for the last 8 years and I have helped care for her over the last 6 years. My dad is as tight as they come, always has been. He gifts me £40 per month for my 'help', it doesn't even cover the cost of all the telephone calls and ferrying about that I do for them but it is what it is.

50k is generous.

The best thing the older generations can do for their children is stay financially solvent and able to pay for their own care. She is going to be able to do that. If there is money left, they will eventually inherit.

Any DC who would abandon their DM through greed is worse than the parent in my opinion.
Funny how generous people are when it's other people's money.

We don't know which country the MiL is living in or what the rules are in that country around "deprivation of assets" or what the implications could be if she were to give away substantial amounts of her assets but are you not aware how much it costs for care/nursing home fees or for live-in nursing care, should she need it in the future?

I hope she spends it before she dies so you don’t see a penny of it .

So...you reckon it's morally wrong for a mother not to give as much as she possibly can to her adult sons, but it's totally fine for a wife to sit back comfortably and watch her husband work two jobs rather than help him.

And you reckon it's morally wrong for a mother to give both her sons the exact same very generous gift, rather than singling one out for special treatment because, in your estimation, your DH happens to be more deserving than your BIL.

And yet you DON'T reckon it's morally wrong to limit contact with your MIL because she hasn't been - again, in your estimation - generous enough.

And you also don't reckon it's morally wrong to take money that isn't yours from an approaching-elderly woman who may well need it all for care in the future.

Sorry, OP, if anyone's got their moral compass awry, it's you.

So, your MIL spent her life up to the age of 70 with a relative who could have given her a load of money but didn't, and you weren't raging around on her behalf about how unfair it was on her.

Now it's your DP you think she should hand over the money as soon as she got it?

Is that what you are getting at?
You think you'd rather your DP gets it than her, so that makes it a moral issue?

Where is the morality in what you are asking?
You are saying your (as in you and her children) relationships are purely transactional, and that you will treat her differently if she doesn't pay you enough to act like family.

it’s almost never appropriate or even necessary to tell someone their behaviour is yucky. But it is very and extremely necessary to understand and file it.

So you are the partner of the younger son, and your current home which you live in with him and your child is worth approx 340k x 2 plus both your deposits as you say ' my 50% of property is paid off ',

thus you are after a share of this woman's money because your partner can't actually afford to live in his home, with you and your joint child, as he has 2 jobs just to afford his mortgage and a ' nice ' life.

Greedy and the older woman knows it !

and now

you will not allow your partner to have his mother to stay in your JOINT home because she is not giving him the money you want...

I would presume that this is the net amount after inheritance tax has been paid by the estate.

Can you imagine going to your mother and saying hand over £350k to each of us or we’ll disown you. Remarkable morals.

Wow. Where there’s a will there’s a greedy family…

Aye. Or the seething burning resentment at only being given a free £50,000

If I came into that kind of money I would share more than £50K each with my kids. Absolutely.

“it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this.”

Yes it does! Relationships shouldn’t depend on generosity or lack thereof.

This is where you lost me. I agree that in MIL’s position I would want to give away more than that to my children sooner rather than later, to make their lives easier. However, her decision to only give away a relatively small amount of her money should not have an impact on whether you bother to spend time with her. Loving family relationships should not be transactional.

She will be dead soon anyway

Crikey! How old are you? She is only 70 so on average can expect to live until she is 88 with a 46.2% chance she will reach 90 & a 5.8% chance she will reach 100.

The law in Scotland states that children get one third of the moveable estate...but they can't get what's not there. If it's spent, it's spent.

Sounds like you're the wife of the younger son and think she should pay off your mortgage which is how the 350k sum has been arrived at? No you are not morally entitled to demand a share of the inheritance, determine how much is enough for her to keep, nor judge her 'mistakes in life'.
50k gift is generous and there will likely be inheritance forthcoming to your husband and brother in law when she passes herself, unless she decides to spend the lot in short order, which is her right.

Team OP.
His mum sucks.
i wouldn't do this to my kids - £1.85m is enough to make everyone very financially secure. Ultimately its not an efficient use of the money.

While everyone can say what they want on an anonymous forum most people would struggle if their mother did this to them.

Your dp should get some therapy (if needed) to come to terms with it or have a clear and frank conversation about it.

Morality does not really come into inheritance. There is nothing moral about the fact that some people have money left to them and others do not. But if you are fortunate enough to be in the first category, you are free to do what you like with it.

Yes, but it’s the DIL who is selfish here.

If my kid would abandon me for ‘only’ giving him a 50k handout then personally I would consider that the trash taking itself out.

It’s her money, she can do what she wants with it. Stop being grabby

What was the moral question?

Interested to know how much you would like her to give, OP?

I think it exceptionally entitled to think that someone else should give you their money, but the thing that really shouts out to me is that you don't want your son to have to struggle. You would be doing him a great disservice, it is not a good thing to completely smooth the paths of our children, struggle is part of life and is how we grow.