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Original poster

Aibu to not want my abusive ex to change my babys surname

102 replies

glossypeach · 10/04/2020 16:24

I split up from my ex in early pregnancy due to him being incredibly abusive. Even though I was not in a relationship with him during pregnancy, he continued to abuse me to the point where I had to go to the police numerous times as I was scared for mine and my childs safety. I have blocked him everywhere and haven't heard from him in 4 months until I received court papers. He is taking me to court for visitation, to be put on the birth certificate for pr, and to change ds surname from mine to be double barrelled. My whole pregnancy he threatened to take my baby away from me, and when I was in labour he messaged my friend to tell me that I should 'say goodbye to him'. I do not want him to have parental rights due to this and to be put on the birth certificate and to have half his surname means he can continue to control me for the next 18 years of my sons life. Nobody bats an eyelid when a baby has a dads name but as soon as they have a mothers name there is uproar. Would the judge grant a surname change?

OP posts:
UncleHerbie · 10/04/2020 16:26

Just googled this.

www.gov.uk/correct-birth-registration/who-can-apply

Teenangels · 10/04/2020 16:27

OP, was your ex arrested and charged with anything?

Original poster
glossypeach · 10/04/2020 16:29

@teenangels no he wasn't

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/04/2020 16:30

OP family court judges can smell manipulative pricks a mile off. He won't be the first nor the last - get a solicitors advice though and don't hold back from being candid about the abuse you suffered. Anyone can get a hearing, it doesn't mean he will win

Teenangels · 10/04/2020 16:36

So he has not been charged with anything, although the police were called numerous times.

The family court will put him on the birth certificate as that is a legal document, recording your sons parents.

Although you may hate your ex he and your son need a relationship be it in a contact centre under supervision.

You state that he threatened to take your son away from you and you rightly feel that this is wrong but you are doing the same to your ex.

lmcneil003 · 10/04/2020 16:39

Dicks also have rights to see their children. See a solicitor and follow the court process.
Just because he had been a cunnt to you died now mean her shouldn't see his kid.

Geepipe · 10/04/2020 16:39

Im so sorry this is happening to you op. I think you need to contact a good lawyer and discuss everything with them.

june2007 · 10/04/2020 16:40

I doubt it was all happen just like that, I expect hew will have some access to your child. I Would def get advice from legal team.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 10/04/2020 16:42

You can refuse to have the name double barrelled BUT the courts will highly likely grant him his petition to be legally named on the BC (after DNA) and will probably give him limited supervised contact leading to unsupervised and finally overnight access.
You need to prepare yourself for this happening.
Do you have legal representation?

Jiggeriepokerie · 10/04/2020 16:43

Dicks also have rights to see their children

It's more the fact that children have the right to see their dick of a parent rather than the other way around. Depending on how much of a dick that parent actually is of course.

Zilla1 · 10/04/2020 16:44

Sorry for your trouble, OP?

Have you already registered the child's birth and got a birth certificate, OP, solely in your family name?

I'm not aware and wonder if there has routinely (or ever) been an enforced change in a child's surname to make a double barrelled one to include the father's surname in England and Wales though other posters may have more experience. I understand being granted PR by the courts is something different and can happen. I'm not saying there might not be trouble from the other issues you posted OP but the surname issue might not be one.

Original poster
glossypeach · 10/04/2020 16:48

@teenangels I am not doing the same to my ex... I told him that he could see him at a contact centre from birth but he declined and has taken me to court. I never said he couldn't see him, I just do not trust him.

OP posts:
PeacockPies · 10/04/2020 16:48

Firstly I'd repost this in the legal section as it's legal advice you need at the moment.

Next, gather any evidence you can. Messages etc. Get a notebook and try to remember anything you can that will help you show that he was abusive and write it down factuallywith rough ideas of dates if you can't be precise. Names of other people who saw or heard anything.

Lastly look for some legal help"

Teenangels · 10/04/2020 16:53

@glossypeach
You have blocked him on everything, so he can not communicate you have refused to put him on a legal document and he is going down the legal route.
You know that to go to a contact centre that you have to go to court, so that is what he is doing.

You say that you do not trust your ex, but he probably does not trust you, how old is the baby and has he seen the child.

Original poster
glossypeach · 10/04/2020 17:00

@teenangels he took me to mediation and I had my mediation appointment alone and because of the abuse the mediator said that it is unsuitable. I told the mediator the situation and he said that my ex would have to call the contact centres to book it. And I have blocked him, because I was getting 20+ messages a day from him and my midwives, health visitors and the police officers told me to block him.

OP posts:
Poppi89 · 10/04/2020 17:03

How old is the child? Who is on the birth certificate at the moment?

Coyoacan · 10/04/2020 17:03

I'm so sorry, OP. Get the best legal advice you can and keep a record of all communications with him.

Oldraver · 10/04/2020 17:09

Regardless of the shitty way he has behaved toward you and your son you have to accept that he will get PR added to the birth certificate and eventually access quite probably not in a contact centre. If he behaves

But you do need legal advice to see you through this

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/04/2020 17:20

The OP has not "refused" to put him in the birth certificate. Men who aren't married to the mothers need to be there in person when the baby is registered - someone gives me a good reason as to why the fuck the OP should have to endure being in the same room as the man who abused her? BEcaUsE hEs tHE dAd isn't good enough.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/04/2020 17:21

And why should she block her abuser in social media?

Why must the responsibility to facilitate relationships between children and abusive men always fall to the female victims?

Poppi89 · 10/04/2020 17:28

What was the agreement from the mediation?

My understanding is that he can apply to the courts to get parental responsibility. The courts will look into why he wants to have parental responsibility and what he has done for the child or tried to do.

I think him wanting the double-barrelled name is pathetic as it has no impact on him as a father but by him reaching out and trying to go through mediation it sounds like he would have a good case so far.

So blocking him is not going to work in your favour. You don't need to respond to every message but say to him some rules like you will be ok for him to arrange a contact centre and if he turns up and everything goes well then in 6 months you will put him on the birth certificate. Sometimes partners will be horrible but they make good parents and you don't want your child thinking you have stopped them from having contact. If he doesn't agree or doesn't turn up then if it does go to court then it will work in your favour.

Original poster
glossypeach · 10/04/2020 17:46

@poppi89 the mediator stated that it was unsuitable due to the abusive nature of the relationship. Blocking him won't work in my favour? How is that fair. I was getting nasty messages all day every day from him. 3 different professionals told me to block him, including police officers. I have ptsd because of the relationship, so why should I have to keep in contact with this man and continue struggling rather than trying to heal from it? I never said he cannot see the baby, I said a contact centre and then when he would move onto unsupervised my mum would do the handover in a public place so I wouldn't have to see him. But he declined this.

OP posts:
RainbowsAndReading · 10/04/2020 17:51

He will get put on the birth certificate which would give him PR&R. I don't believe he will be able to get the name changed and he will look silly even asking for it.

He will get contact though. This will start off through a contact centre where they will assess his parenting abilities.

He sounds like a dick but doesn't mean he will not turn out to be a good father.

I think you are right not to communicate with him directly as it causes you a lot of stress, so the legal route is the best way to go for everyone concerned at the moment and hopefully it will mean there is something suitable in place by the time your child is aware of what is going on.

Given the current climate I would not agree to a contact centre until lockdown restrictions are lifted (if they are even still open).

slipperywhensparticus · 10/04/2020 17:53

You have evidence he declined this?

In reality the name makes no difference the child can be known as your name everywhere and his be the legal name my daughter had my name her "legal" name is her bio dads she eventually did a change of name deed to make it official a few years ago but day to day life didnt change

Poppi89 · 10/04/2020 17:53

If you have been told you block him by police officers and different professionals then if it goes to court then you will have the proof to that.

You are saying you wouldn't stop him from seeing the baby but then have blocked him, so if he took it to court he would say how can I arrange anything if she has blocked me.

When I went to mediation my biggest case was that because I had never blocked him he couldn't turn around and say I had stopped him because I had all the messages to prove it. Whereas if I had blocked him he would just have said he tried to contact me but couldn't.

I am not saying you should unblock him I am just saying he will use that against you if it went to court but he can't as you have professionals telling you to do that so you don't have to worry about that scenario.