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Original poster

Aibu to not want my abusive ex to change my babys surname

102 replies

glossypeach · 10/04/2020 16:24

I split up from my ex in early pregnancy due to him being incredibly abusive. Even though I was not in a relationship with him during pregnancy, he continued to abuse me to the point where I had to go to the police numerous times as I was scared for mine and my childs safety. I have blocked him everywhere and haven't heard from him in 4 months until I received court papers. He is taking me to court for visitation, to be put on the birth certificate for pr, and to change ds surname from mine to be double barrelled. My whole pregnancy he threatened to take my baby away from me, and when I was in labour he messaged my friend to tell me that I should 'say goodbye to him'. I do not want him to have parental rights due to this and to be put on the birth certificate and to have half his surname means he can continue to control me for the next 18 years of my sons life. Nobody bats an eyelid when a baby has a dads name but as soon as they have a mothers name there is uproar. Would the judge grant a surname change?

OP posts:
drunkyhumptydumpty · 10/04/2020 22:03

I'm not in the legal profession. The things I said happened to my friend.

The child's name was changed. And it was then someone else who got told that its PA to use the 'known by' mothers name only.

Winterwoollies · 10/04/2020 22:07

It is so alarming to read the number of people speaking out in defence of an abusive man and his ‘rights’ and even going so far as to liken a female victim’s attempts to protect herself and her baby, to his violent and abusive threats against her.

SamanthaBrique · 10/04/2020 22:12

Touché @winterwoolies. WTF has happened to Mumsnet?

Zilla1 · 10/04/2020 22:13

Thank you, Drunky, I'm aware there's a process, I just had never seen it used in reality.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/04/2020 22:20

It is a terrible situation. I bet he wants contact to keep control over you.
I don't know the legalities but have unfortunately heard of manipulating men playing the doting dad. I'd probably run away.
Not helpful I know.

redwinefine · 10/04/2020 22:20

Calm down. First and foremost, the courts aren't going to grant access to someone you can prove is abusive. Focus on that when you're feeling panicking. Then work from there. What evidence do you have... contact CAB, etc

drunkyhumptydumpty · 10/04/2020 22:44

First and foremost, the courts aren't going to grant access to someone you can prove is abusive.

Obviously firstly we should all give emotional support to OP.
But I do believe we should all be factual. There is zero point in speaking in absolutes that could set her up for a big fall if it doesn't go the way MN said it would.

This is not a fact. Abusive partners do get contact. Some judges believe that there is a separation between the relationship of the parents and that of the children.

The reality is as there is not written rules wrt CAO a lot of the time it's the will of the judge who sits that day.

They could be somebody with experience of DA. Or they could be sympathetic to fathers and believe in 50/50.

june2007 · 10/04/2020 22:52

Winterwoolies, I don,t see poeople defending an abuser. I see popel saying you will need proof, you will need legal advice, it may not go the way you want, it,s your word against his. That is def not the same.

SwerfandTurf · 10/04/2020 23:02

There’s been a huge rise in MRA types posting on MN over the past couple of weeks. Every single thread I’ve seen that has anything remotely to do with men behaving badly is infested with overt misogynists attacking women and defending abusive men. I’ve seen at least four threads like that just this week.

I don’t believe for a second that any judge would order a legal name change. And as already been pointed out, the OP could not legally put this man on the birth certificate without him being present.

Right now there is no proof and no presumption that he is even the father. He’s made on the record threats against the OP.

And whoever said a violent abuser could be a fantastic father should be ashamed of themselves.

SamanthaBrique · 10/04/2020 23:48

Read the thread again @june2007...

SamanthaBrique · 10/04/2020 23:51

Namely:

"Just because he had been a cunnt to you died now [does not] mean he shouldn't see his kid.”

“He sounds like a dick but doesn't mean he will not turn out to be a good father”

"He may be a crap partner but he could be an incredible dad"

Yes because abusers always turn out to be amazing fathers Hmm

Myohmy111 · 11/04/2020 05:30

I have worked in family law for many years. The default position is that the child has a right to enjoy relationships with both parents unless it is not safe enough for them to do so. The court would need to determine whether the father has been abusive and if so, the nature and extent/ level of the abuse, together with the impact, if any, on the child . So it’s by far a binary judgement simply limited to whether or not he has been abusive. A report from cafcass would assist the court in deciding this . If the court is satisfied that there is no risk or that any risk the father poses can be managed then they will very likely order contact. They will in the first instance grant the father PR if it is agreed that he is the biological father. And yes, it is not unusual for the court to allow a change of surname to a double barrel, unless the child is much older and has expressed strong views against it. Or unless there’s evidence to suggest that the father’s motivation to change the name is a means of controlling the mother.

Poppi89 · 11/04/2020 08:04

Please listen to Myohmy111

It is lovely to see people supporting the OP but she needs actual advice too.
Being dismissive or getting defensive over advice that is given is not doing you any good as you asked for advice on what will happen at court to be fully prepared.
I personally don't think abusive partners should see their children but that's not how the world works unfortunately.

To the PP who said that he doesn't know he's the father, potential fathers can request a DNA test at court.
As already mentioned most courts and mediators will say the best interest of the child is to have both parents involved - unless the father is a danger to the child.

In this situation, most courts will say he needs to see the child through a contact centre where the parents don't meet.

As the OP has said she has different professionals who said he shouldn't be involved and she has asked him for contact in a contact centre and he refused she will need PROOF of all of these to support her case or else it will just be her word against his.

MushroomTree · 11/04/2020 08:23

DV worker here. As other posters have said, the default position is that the child needs a relationship with both parents, so I think you need to prepare yourself for access being given.

However, I would be collecting all of the evidence you have that he has been abusive and that you have offered a contact centre but it has been declined.

You don't need to go to court in order to use a contact centre. He could have arranged it himself if he really wanted to see the child.

How old is the child?

Teenangels · 11/04/2020 09:57

@Winterwoollies
You may not like it but courts need proof and they also believe that a child needs both parents, unless the child is at risk.
The OP asked for advice and that is what I have given, facts, some here have called people that have given clear and factual advice names... you seem to give the OP false hope... he will be certainly put on the birth certificate as it has been acknowledged that he is the father. This will give the father PR.

Myohmy111 · 11/04/2020 09:57

I really don’t think pursuing a contact centre is the best way forward at this stage. By the time of the first hearing, Cafcass should have completed police and local authority checks. Even if he hasn’t been charged with anything, they will have a record of the police call outs which, though does not prove he’s been abusive, would at least indicate a pattern of you feeling sufficiently in fear to call the police.

MushroomTree · 11/04/2020 10:56

@Myohmy111 I wasn't suggesting the OP tries to pursue the contact centre again. Just pointing out that you don't need to go to court in order to access one as a previous poster had said.

What I was also trying to say is that if this was really a concerned father wanting contact, he'd have agreed to a contact centre. Given that he refused and has now taken her to court and thrown in the name change, I suspect this is more about him gaining a level of control over OP via the child.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 11/04/2020 11:00

And you could very well be right.

But that doesn't mean he won't get what he is asking for.

Myohmy111 · 11/04/2020 11:09

Mushroom I agree . You don’t need to go to court to access a contact centre. I wasn’t directing my post to you.

I agree that his motivations could well be about him gaining control over the OP. Or it could also be about him genuinely wanting a relationship with his child and playing the long game by opting to use the court avenue to ensure that a court order is in place in the event of the OP stopping contact in future. What I have learned in my job is that its important to hear both sides and not to make fixed assumptions about people’s motivations

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/04/2020 11:29

The family court will not order a name change if the child is already registered in your name.

I think posters are getting mixed up. What the court sometimes do order is that a name change BACK to what is their original birth name on the certificate. For example baby x is renamed by mum baby y after a split. A court can order it to be called baby x again.

They wont change legally baby x to baby y just to appease a father. Thats ridiculous and would breach equalities legislation.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 11/04/2020 11:33

The family court will not order a name change if the child is already registered in your name.

They can. And have.
They don't change from mothers to fathers. They hyphenate and ensure both are registered.

roarfeckingroar · 11/04/2020 11:57

Have there been any cases of a judge ordering the baby's name to be changed to include the mother's? Absolutely disgusting misogynistic double standards if not.

NearlyGranny · 11/04/2020 12:21

Is he financially supporting his child, OP? If he's playing the 'rights' card, I'd respond with the 'responsibilities' one...

But honestly, it's likely to be empty threats. You know already that he can't be bothered with your child; he only wants to reach in and rattle you as he did when you were pregnant. A lawyer has to put whatever the client dictates in a letter; it doesn't mean he has any rights. Parents don't have rights; they only have responsibilities. It's the child who has all the rights.

Get advice from a women's group like Women's Aid or Rights of Women, then sit tight and wait. It's likely he'll run out of money or interest long before he gets near your child.

So sorry you're going through this. Do you think it's possible he's popped up because he has time on his hands?

They say the devil finds work for idle hands...

notthemum · 11/04/2020 12:23

Op. How old is your baby ? Have you registered him yet and got the birth certificate ?

Myohmy111 · 11/04/2020 12:28

Have there been any cases of a judge ordering the baby's name to be changed to include the mother's? .
Yes there absolutely have been when mothers have made applications to do so.