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Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want my abusive ex to change my babys surname

102 replies

glossypeach · 10/04/2020 16:24

I split up from my ex in early pregnancy due to him being incredibly abusive. Even though I was not in a relationship with him during pregnancy, he continued to abuse me to the point where I had to go to the police numerous times as I was scared for mine and my childs safety. I have blocked him everywhere and haven't heard from him in 4 months until I received court papers. He is taking me to court for visitation, to be put on the birth certificate for pr, and to change ds surname from mine to be double barrelled. My whole pregnancy he threatened to take my baby away from me, and when I was in labour he messaged my friend to tell me that I should 'say goodbye to him'. I do not want him to have parental rights due to this and to be put on the birth certificate and to have half his surname means he can continue to control me for the next 18 years of my sons life. Nobody bats an eyelid when a baby has a dads name but as soon as they have a mothers name there is uproar. Would the judge grant a surname change?

OP posts:

Overtime2019 · 10/04/2020 18:11

Op please please put an order in for a contact centre I was in the same position as you 14 years ago with my two kids and of hes anything like my ex hell turn up to a few acting like he's the bees knees being a dad but he will get bored and not turn up which will look bad for him in court and the judge will throw it out but please don't let him see you scared as hell play on it more trust me

Idontwantthis · 10/04/2020 18:18

Can’t believe some of these responses. Op - you’re doing what you need to to be safe.

Veterinari · 10/04/2020 18:19

OP please repost in legal. And see a solicitor. You need professional advice

AIBU is not the place for it

Teenangels · 10/04/2020 18:20

If you have blocked him on everything then you are not letting him contact you...…
You went to register the baby and you did not allow his name to go on the birth cert.
I ask again how old is the baby and has your ex seen him.
The police advised you to block him but he was never arrested or charged.
He may be a crap partner but he could be an incredible dad.
Can you imagine not being able to see your son, if a father was doing this there would be uproar on Mumsnet

KTheGrey · 10/04/2020 18:24

Agree with @veterinari.
Repost in legal.

WorraLiberty · 10/04/2020 18:31

My whole pregnancy he threatened to take my baby away from me, and when I was in labour he messaged my friend to tell me that I should 'say goodbye to him'. I do not want him to have parental rights due to this and to be put on the birth certificate

Does your friend still have the text?

Windyatthebeach · 10/04/2020 18:36

Even if double barrelled is court ordered school etc use a 'known by' option so you can just use yours...
Start writing a timeline and gathering evidence. Printing off texts and emails is a start.
If you have police evidence of anything write it in the timeline. A list of witnesses of you have any too.

ohwerehalfwaythere · 10/04/2020 18:40

The Child Law Advice Service is still providing free online advice, contact form on their website

Merryoldgoat · 10/04/2020 18:43

Gather all the texts/messages etc - list all the dates you can remember calling the police and the professionals you saw. Get a letter from your GP if you saw them in relation to this.

Then seek legal advice - it will save time.

Try Rights of Women for further information.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

BusyProcrastinator · 10/04/2020 18:53

Can you speak to a domestic abuse charity? They might have advice on this.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sadly you may well have to give him access (but as a poster above says, he may lose interest once he has it). Ignore people calling him a ‘crap partner’ - he’s an abuser, not someone who doesn’t do the dishes.

Sadly I’ve read various articles about abusers using family courts to further torment people. Make sure you get evidence for everything you possibly can. Good luck

userabcname · 10/04/2020 18:54

Er, sorry, but no - the baby does not NEED an abusive POS man in his life just because he's the father. What bollocks. OP I am no expert but I certainly hope you get the legal help needed to keep this man out of your life. Please do not worry about depriving your child of his biological father - I was raised by a single mother and was / am very happy with no contact with my bio dad! No father is better than a shit father.

LouHotel · 10/04/2020 19:01

@Teenangels incredible fathers don’t abuse the mother of their child.

Your responses are utterly crass, it’s not the responsibility of an abused women to facilitate contact with their abuser, she tried mediation and it fell through. Your responses are victim blaming and you should do better.

Geepipe · 10/04/2020 19:08

People saying he might be an incredible father need to reign it in. He is not and never will be an incredible father.

Incredible fathers dont abuse the mother of their children and threaten to kidnap the child.

Teenangels · 10/04/2020 19:21

@LouHotel I am not victim blaming at all, I am just being sensible and know that the family courts will see the OP in a bad light for not keeping contact open, as others on here have pointed out.
The family court will only look at the evidence in front of them and I believe that a father should be on the birth Cert the OP has said she does not want this so the father will not have rights over his child.

The OP will have to have some sort of contact even through a third party.

Original poster

glossypeach · 10/04/2020 19:38

So this man can tell me when pregnant how many people he knows that is going to beat me up once I've had the baby and that he is going to beat the s**t out of me, and he is going to burn me but I'm supposed to keep in contact with him and give this violent man rights to my child after he has told me that I will never see my son again because he is going to take him away from me. I actually have been reasonable by not denying him his right to be a father and saying he could have access at a contact centre for mine and my childs safety. As for the birth certificate, if he was on there and he took my child there would be no way for me to get him back because he would have the right to keep him. After everything he has put me through, I have been reasonable - he is the one who denied an contact centre for access to his son and is taking me to court to get exactly what he wants.

OP posts:

Poppi89 · 10/04/2020 19:44

If in mediation they said he's too abusive to see his son then the courts would usually have the same advice as mediation is usually the step you take before it gets to court. If it does end up going to court and they think he should see the baby then they would agree that it should be in a contact centre too.

Him saying he won't do a contact centre and the fact you went to mediation will work in your favour and show you are willing to do what's best for the baby.

Poppi89 · 10/04/2020 19:46

Some parents use the fact that they are not together anymore to stop the other parent from seeing the children so a court will look at both sides to see who's telling the truth. As you have had the police involved and been to mediation they will be able to tell that this isn't one of those cases.

MsF1t · 10/04/2020 19:59

Teenangel my sister's oldest child's father harassed and stalked her throughout her pregnancy. He was manipulative and dangerous and lots of people really believed him when he said he just wanted a relationship with his daughter. They told him where she was time and again, even when she had given birth. She escaped and cut contact completely. By your logic, she is the bad person.

He is now in jail for torturing a woman to death who he blamed for helping the mother of his second child get her back after he absconded with her.

There are some pretty dreadful men out there who are nevertheless fertile. Sometimes it's really is necessary to protect their children from them.

Teenangels · 10/04/2020 20:10

@MsF1t, where have I used logic that the OP or your sister are bad people..... I have not.
The OP ex has no contact for 4 months and is only seeking PR and visitation, if her ex is abusive now or in the future then she has every right to not allow any contact until that point the court will allow contact and may even in the future give 50/50 care.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/04/2020 20:24

In abuse cases it is standard practice for the police to tell you to block the abuser.

If that now means it won’t go in ops favour then the police need to change their stance.

If you don’t block your abuser you are then accused of making it all up and wanting to be in contact.

Friend going through something similar

Also another friend was taken to court by her ex and father of her child.

He took her to court in order to force friend to let him see their child.

As friend explained she had never refused him. He just never came.

He came round and took their Ds out for 1 day then disappeared again.

Could this all be an act of bravado and trying to control you.

I would insist on the contact centre as he has already threatened he would take your dc off you.

lynzpynz · 10/04/2020 20:26

He can't apply to change your child's surname unless he's named on the certificate, and even if he was put on it - you both have to agree to the change so just don't agree. Don't worry about that one.

If he's been abusive to you and you have evidence / proof then there is no reason you need to be involved in any contact with him. Gather all the evidence you can of this. Whatever happens if he wants to be involved with, and is granted access to, the child it will be in a contact centre or via an intermediary. It's not up to him to force you to see him, he has no rights over you only his child if legally acknowledged. Any contact should be official and through your legal team given abusive background, absolutely do not open unofficial dialogue options with him if he's abusive. Agree with others legal chat is where to get advice here.

JTTWC · 10/04/2020 21:24

@lmcneil003 another thread another rude comment from you. I'm sure if you were in the OPs situation you wouldn't be happy for a man who abused you to see your child. Perhaps think carefully before posting in future and apply a little empathy to your posts. Hope you get it sorted OP.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 10/04/2020 21:32

He will be added to the BC however there will probably be a 'lives with' order at least.

The judge could double barrel the name.

many people then advise you to then just change the name as known by.

This could be views by some judges as parental alienation. And if he contacts the school etc and demands they use the correct name they will have to.

ratspeaker · 10/04/2020 21:59

I suggest you set up an email account to use only with him.
Check it once a week. Or get someone to check it for you.
That way you have given a form of contact and will also have a written record

Zilla1 · 10/04/2020 22:01

Drunky, I'm aware the judge could do many things and I know this is not my area of expertise. If you work in family law, are you aware of any judges ever changing the legal surname of a child?

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