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Original poster

Aibu to not want my abusive ex to change my babys surname

102 replies

glossypeach · 10/04/2020 16:24

I split up from my ex in early pregnancy due to him being incredibly abusive. Even though I was not in a relationship with him during pregnancy, he continued to abuse me to the point where I had to go to the police numerous times as I was scared for mine and my childs safety. I have blocked him everywhere and haven't heard from him in 4 months until I received court papers. He is taking me to court for visitation, to be put on the birth certificate for pr, and to change ds surname from mine to be double barrelled. My whole pregnancy he threatened to take my baby away from me, and when I was in labour he messaged my friend to tell me that I should 'say goodbye to him'. I do not want him to have parental rights due to this and to be put on the birth certificate and to have half his surname means he can continue to control me for the next 18 years of my sons life. Nobody bats an eyelid when a baby has a dads name but as soon as they have a mothers name there is uproar. Would the judge grant a surname change?

OP posts:
SamanthaBrique · 11/04/2020 12:40

The OP asked for advice and that is what I have given, facts, some here have called people that have given clear and factual advice names

Are you lacking in comprehension skills @Teenangels? @Winterwoolies and others were clearly referring to the comments saying that this guy could turn out to be an incredible father. Abusive men generally don't make amazing dads.

frazzledasarock · 11/04/2020 12:48

OP, make sure you have the mediators recommendation and anything in writing between you and ex which shows what kind of contact you have offered.

The judge can’t force you to have contact with your ex.
But you may want a form of communication with him when your child is having unsupervised contact with him.

Make sure you are clear and explicit with evidence of everything your ex has said and done. Eg police reports, mediators report, ss recommendation in writing from them etc.

Have a plan ready for contact eg start supervised at contact centre whilst your dc gets to know this man, and then move on to unsupervised contact with someone doing hand over of your dc to your ex in a public place.

I’d be pissed off of my child’s surname was changed too, I’ve not heard of any mother and main carer whole been able to successfully apply for a change of surname of her child via the courts.
If he gets an order to double barrel then make sure your surname is the last part of the double barrel bit.

babycornplease · 11/04/2020 12:51

@roarfeckingroar just to reassure you, the judge in my case ordered a surname change from her deadbeat and abusive (thankfully now absent for the last two years) father's to mine, with his as an extra middle name to avoid a double barrel (the judge's suggestion). It's very rare, my solicitor warned me of this, very rare, but it is not impossible.

SoloMummy · 11/04/2020 13:47

Likelihood is that if he has applied to court his name will be added and probably his surname too.

Your best bet on that front are to push for having his surname just added alongside yours without a hyphen. As then your surname only can be used legally. With a hyphen both always have to be used.

Teenangels · 11/04/2020 14:36

@SamanthaBrique
No I don’t lack any reading skills, we don’t know what the OP ex parenting skills are like, he COULD and there is the word COULD be a great father. We also have only one side of the story here and the ex was never arrested or charged with anything. Why are you just calling me out, a family court will put him on the birth certificate and he will he granted PR.

SamanthaBrique · 11/04/2020 15:27

I'm calling you out because "He may be a crap partner but he could be an incredible dad" is one of the most stupid and dangerous things I've read on here in a while. You must have a very low opinion of men if you think an abuser as OP has described here COULD be an incredible dad. FFS!

drunkyhumptydumpty · 11/04/2020 15:30

as OP has described

Exactly. The judge will listen to both sides and with the recommendations of others make a measured decision.

RapunzelinQuarantine · 11/04/2020 15:45

No. A man who abuses his child’s mother cannot, by definition, be a good father. The act of abuse rebounds onto the child no matter how much you try to ameliorate it.

Growing up in a DV environment is know to cause lasting trauma. The ex obviously doesn’t care about that.

BanKittenHeels · 11/04/2020 16:02

op my friend was in a similar situation and the way she kept contact open was to set up a separate email account just for her abusive ex to contact her. She would read it only once a week only, or if the child was with him.
She didn’t unblock him on anything but she gave him a route of access that she could completely control.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

BanKittenHeels · 11/04/2020 16:06

He may be a crap partner but he could be an incredible dad.

And speaking as a child of DV who has dealt with many similar children in her career, this is bollocks.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 11/04/2020 16:20

He may be a crap partner but he could be an incredible dad.
And speaking as a child of DV who has dealt with many similar children in her career, this is bollocks.
Well then my opinion as the child of a man who's behaviour would definitely have been classed as abusive is that he is a wonderful Dad.
I condemn his treatment of my mother.

But I love him. It's best if we don't talk about her, I call him out on him bad mouthing her which he hasn't done in over a decade really.

But as a Dad and Grandfather. He is brilliant.

roarfeckingroar · 11/04/2020 16:26

Well done @babycornplease

Michelleoftheresistance · 11/04/2020 16:33

A man who threatens and abuses and terrorises the mother of his child, and during the birth is using the child as a weapon to hurt her, is a bloody awful father as well as a bloody awful human being.

OP, fgs don't unblock and re establish contact based on advice here.

Do what the police and other people actually involved and aware of the full RL situation have advised you. Take proper legal advice.

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/04/2020 16:57

Drunky if you can quote some case law as evidence to show a name change from a legal birth name of the mother to that of the father in the case of unmarried couples Id be interested to see.

Im aware of course of numerous cases the other way around involving absusive men having their surname removed.

Op you wont have your surname removed don't worry.

amateursleuth · 11/04/2020 17:16

drunky I can't help thinking that your own experience
my opinion as the child of a man who's behaviour would definitely have been classed as abusive is that he is a wonderful Dad.
is colouring what you're saying to OP here.

I've seen plenty of posts here to OPs who want to change the surname of a child from that of the deadbeat dad who hasn't seen them for years / ever, to their own name or their new married name with the bloke who's actually doing the dad work, that tell them no way can it be done without the biological Dad's permission. So I don't see the father here getting that without the OP's agreement.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 11/04/2020 18:13

It's not.
I have given impartial, factual advice. The reason being that there is so much BS on here.
Telling Op he won't get contact, he won't get the name changed. That she will win is absolute horse shit.

He has a very very very real chance of getting it.

Because the difference between your example and the OPs is 1. Age. The age of the child and what they are used to is taken into account.
And 2. 'Dad work' isn't recognised. It's BS.
The options are adopt or suck it up.

insideoutsider · 11/04/2020 18:14

@ratspeaker
I suggest you set up an email account to use only with him. Check it once a week. Or get someone to check it for you. That way you have given a form of contact and will also have a written record

Definitely open a new email address for just him and read it once a week and respond only to requests. This is how I proved that I kept communication open when my abusive ex was threatening similar. My exH was on the birth cert and I managed to change my children's surname to mine / double-barrelled after the divorce. He tried to get it changed back but the court ruled in my favour. Thanks for mumsnet very many years ago when the message was clear. You don't roll a red carpet out to your abuser. Keep him blocked everywhere and keep every mean text, voicemail, email as evidence.

No way should you listen to those saying you should spend any kind of time with a person who abused you. And NO, he is not a good father. If he was, he would not be threatening to take your child from you.

And to those saying it's his child too, yeah, but because of OP, solely because of her, that child is alive. Now he rocks up and wants his name on the BC. He needs to take a pew.

frazzledasarock · 11/04/2020 18:37

Abusers are never good fathers. Ever.

Drunky the fact you’ve had to defend your mother to your father and argue with him to shut down his bad mouthing your mother to you. Makes him a shit dad.

A child should not have to do that, most children don’t have the capacity to stop their abusive parent verbally abusing their resident parent. And it screws up children hugely. It’s a type of abuse.

Krisskrosskiss · 11/04/2020 18:48

Block him on everything and let him go through court... keep records of every single abusive communication you get from him, never reply to any of them.. get the police to issue an harrassment warning.. the court may possibly order visits through a contact centre maybe even built up to that by letter contact to the child... most men who are just using the child to try and abuse the mother will get bored or fuck it up by this point... your ex sounds nuts and I'm pretty sure he will fuck it up for himself... just sit tight do not respond to him at all. Do not listen to people who say the child deserves a relationship with the father... a child deserves not to watch their mother abused.

Poppi89 · 11/04/2020 18:57

@insideoutsider Did your ex get contact in the end?

My DDs father tried to take me to court after 10 years of not being involved but we went to mediation first and luckily I had all the years of texts etc to show that he has not wanted to be involved, been aggressive etc and so he had to start with communication on a regular basis and contact in a contact centre for 6 months to get up to equal parental rights.
I said he has not been around for 10 years and been aggressive etc and the mediator told me that if it went to court I would have to put his name on the birth certificate and he would have 50/50 rights as they see it as being in the best interest of the child.

He only lasted a few visits before he got bored so I never went to court but it did worry me how much say I would have if I did.

Shmithecat2 · 11/04/2020 19:03

@glossypeach I've reported this thread to @MNHQ, with the suggestion that it's moved to a more suitable subforum such as Legal Matters. AIBU generally isn't the best place for threads like this. Good luck Flowers

drunkyhumptydumpty · 11/04/2020 19:07

@Willyoujustbequiet I haven't got case law. But you have legal professionals on this thread saying it can and most likely will happen.
And it's not one for the other.

It's adding the other parent. So hyphenating the mother and fathers name.

I'm not getting into a debate over shit fathers. MN is far to Black and white.

The reality is if he wants to be he will be in this child's life. He could one day end up with 50/50. I am sorry that OP will have to deal with him for the rest of her life.
But that's apart of parenthood. Having to put up with the other lot of DNA.

amateursleuth · 11/04/2020 19:18

I didn't say he wouldn't get contact. My point was specifically about the name change.

How many instances are there that you know personally where a judge has ordered a child's name to be changed against the will of the mother, drunky?

you have legal professionals on this thread saying it can and most likely will happen.
No, someone has said it can. Not that it 'most likely will'. You're reading this the way you want to.

insideoutsider · 11/04/2020 19:27

@Poppi89
It was a long time ago now but he couldn't be bothered to show up in court or follow through with anything so I got 'residence order' for the kids. Turns out he just made the threats to scare me and control me and it worked for a while. After that, I would only meet him with the kids in a public place like soft play.

It was a long time ago though. He lives in a different country now and has 'grown' a little and makes effort with the kids. The kids are also older so he spends time with them as they wish.

It took a very long time to get here.

drunkyhumptydumpty · 11/04/2020 19:28

@amateursleuth I know personally of 2.
I've also read on a single parents forum of a lot more :) it happens. Quite often. And with the age of this baby. I'd say it will likely happen here as well.