Son refusing to return to university after heartbreak and a lonely start

[ser]

Sorry… it’s long!

My son has just turned 18 and, despite always being adamant he wanted a gap year to go travelling, he changed his mind last minute. He got excellent grades and got into the university and course he wanted through clearing. Because it was through clearing, we opted for private halls; he was in a room with an en-suite and a tiny kitchen shared with just one other student. After his A-levels, he spent the summer travelling and visited some really cool places, both with his mates and his girlfriend. He seems to need to be busy and is keen to be out and about, playing sport or just generally in the company of others.
He moved into his halls quite early. It just so happened he’d landed from a flight from Japan at 10 p.m., and we had to leave for uni at 4 p.m. the next day. We moved him into his halls, and the place was completely dead. There were no other students and no flatmate. He was clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, so he decided to move his stuff in, then head off to spend some time with his girlfriend (who’d also just started at a different uni).
After four or five days, he went back to his uni, but it was still pretty quiet. There was still no flatmate and no one really about to speak to. He joined a gym, went to the student union, walked into town, and put a message on his halls' WhatsApp group to see if anyone fancied a drink, but no one replied. Freshers' week started and he went out a bit, but he was struggling with not knowing anyone and started to feel really lonely.
He decided to come home one day this week, and whilst here, he split up with his girlfriend. He is absolutely devastated! He is sobbing, crying, and just absolutely heartbroken. He is now refusing to go back to uni, as he’s saying he’s so lonely and isolated and has absolutely no one.
Normally, I’d kindly tell him he needs to put the effort in and make friends at uni, and that everyone feels lonely to begin with. However, I have never, ever seen him so unhappy in his whole life. He was completely in love with his girlfriend and is finding the break-up really hard. I just don’t know how firm to be. I know that once he gets over the heartbreak and finds some friends at uni, he’ll love it, but he just can’t get past how he feels right now. He says he can’t bear to go back there and feel so lonely.
I’m really unsure how to navigate this. I have tried everything to swap accommodation (as has he), but other than a tenancy takeover (which we have tried but had absolutely no interest in), there are no options to swap. His actual lectures start Monday, so I’m desperately trying to convince him to go back Sunday night, but he just won’t consider it. I really don't know how hard to push him. He’s absolutely in bits, and to throw him back into uni seems harsh. On the other hand, the distraction could do him good (if only he could find some mates), and we are liable for the whole rent regardless (which is £8,000). I really just don’t know what to do for the best, and I don’t want him to make any rash decisions that he’ll massively regret. I’m also worried sick about his current mental state!

He needs to call the uni on Monday and talk to someone in the student services about his options if he doesn't go back. Whether he will have to pay any fees as well as the accomodation costs.

What if you agreed to take a week before making any decisions. The start to uni sounds rubbish and then splitting up with his GF, he must need a few days to get over the shock.

Jeez, what an absolute turn of events, poor lad. He must be feeling absolutely lost.

It is a lot of change for him all at once, on top of the undeniably massive leap from sixth form to uni. It is no surprise he is struggling with it all right now and that is totally normal. But absolutely awful for you to have to watch, I’m so sorry for you both.

Are any of his school mates at the same uni? Either this year or the year above? Might be helpful to get him on his feet, finding friends and a social life is a huge and daunting task when you’re starting out totally alone.

I tend to think that if he misses the first few days/weeks, it will make it much harder for him to get into the flow. But balance that with the fact that he simply cannot cope with everything right now, and it is therefore more likely to fail if he pushes himself beyond what he can manage.

You are in a really tricky situation.

Couple of options -

1. could you get a hotel/airbnb and go up with him on Sunday and stick around for the first week? Talk it through with him, I’m sure he realises but tell him that this is likely his best shot for getting back on track this year. Is that what he wants? Does he feel that he might regret pulling out? Ask him all this, it is probably going round and round in his head already but good to get him to really think about how he is assessing his options.

2. you say he was originally having a gap year? What was he planning to do with it? Could he pick up any of those plans again and reapply for next year? You’ll likely lose the uni accom costs. I’m pretty sure you won’t have to pay uni fees, they tend to be a bit slow on charging those IME.

You know him best; do you think he will be able to pick himself up quickly or will it be a slow process and risking that he might plummet even further mentally?

Definitely call the uni on Monday and discuss options. Wishing you both all the best

He has hardly been there. He needs to move there and live there to start making friends. He will meet friends in class too. He should go to the sign ups for societies on campus too.

As pp above said, encourage him to join societies. He’ll find likeminded people and keep busy. If he’s into sports, he could have training, socials and matches pretty much every week.

Could you go back with him for a few days to help him settle in?

How far from home is this uni? Would it be possible for him to commute to lectures initially until he feels stronger?

Private halls are often lonely. Plus he's split up with his girlfriend. This is a lot for a barely 18 year old.

Or if he can't commute, can you go and stay with him at least till flatmate arrives?

Finally, if he ditches this uni now, I don't think he'll be liable for the tuition fees. The halls rent he may be, but what price happiness?

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it. His uni is 3-4 hours away and no, unfortunately he doesn’t know anyone there already. He’s sporty and sociable and loves to be out but he’s completely lost all motivation and is becoming very negative about everything (which is something I’ve never seen in him before).

I worry that if he goes now, he won’t cope because he’s not in the right place mentally, but I also worry that if he doesn’t go this year, he’ll hate being at home whilst all his mates are at uni, and then feel he’s failed. The main issues I think are the halls and the break up. I think if he was somewhere with a shared kitchen/lounge and other people, he’d be in a much better position.

I would love to go with him and be there for the first week or so but unfortunately as a single parent (and a teacher) it’s just not an option. I am, however, on half term in 2 weeks time so if he could just get through 2 weeks, I could then go at that point and spend some time in a hotel close by so I’m there if he needs me.

I really just don’t know what’s best, I don’t want to push him and then him fail and spiral any more but I don’t want him to hugely regret his decision a few months down the line if he decides to withdraw.

He has always been a very happy, sociable and resilient lad so this has completely surprised me.

First steps are to find out the realities of your options in terms of course fees, loan returns, accomodation fees etc. What can you get back when, how. Can you get any of it back, can you defer a year and place him in halls, would he rather commute from home… can he transfer nearby for this year or next year.

Arm yourself with information. While you do that he should go and make friends on his course. That’s where most friends are made.

Also remind him he can come home next weekend if he wants to. You’re not sending him back to be alone forever, just to go to lectures and see what it’s about and then he can come home.

I think you need to let him decide whether or not he thinks he can cope. I think it would be better for him not to return, then get bored/restless by Christmas and have to do something else until the new academic year starts.

I split up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks into starting uni. I remember wandering around the corridors, sobbing uncontrollably, trying to find someone to talk to – really difficult when you don’t actually know anyone! They must’ve thought I was crazy.

My parents weren’t at all supportive and took the opinion that, you’re young, you’ll meet someone else. Obviously, this did not help me at all. They were about a 4-5 hour drive away.

When your heart is breaking and you are feeling alone, it’s truly devastating. I say let him heal at home.

Yes, that’s what I’ve suggested. I’ll drive him there on Sunday, make sure he’s got everything he needs and stay as long as possible, then tell him I’ll book him a train home after his lecture Friday if that what he wants. He’s got daily lectures, his gym membership and will hopefully join the cricket and golf societies. If he can do that for the next 2 weeks, then I can stay at bit at half term if he needs me too (although I honestly believe as soon as he finds 1 or 2 people to hang out with, he’ll be fine). Because this is all so unlike him, I’m trying to tread carefully so probably sound a bit OTT (especially as this is a boy who has spent his whole summer travelling from country to country) but the break up has totally thrown him and not having his mates around him has been really difficult. He’s currently saying his life has no purpose anymore which is what is scaring me the most. Thank you for your kind advice, it’s much appreciated.

This is what really worries me and the thought of him doing this is unbearable 😢 I’m sorry you went through this. Do you think being at home would have been better for you? Or would you have regretted leaving after you got over your heartbreak do you think? X

Hi - I’m so sorry OP. So I can’t speak from experience but what you described was basically what my (now) husband went through. He was absolutely miserable and hated it and was so so so lonely. His mum said she had never seen him like this. Like your son he was sociable and friendly but he just couldn’t cope because he felt really lonely. They said to him that they thought he should see the end of the semester out but if he wanted to quit and regroup they understood. He decided to go back in but got himself a Saturday job which then helped as he met more people in the area. I think for people are are used to be sociable sitting with yourself can be quite hard, especially after a break up. Good luck to you both!

edited to say: he also joined a martial arts club at uni which helped and stopped going home every weekend as people were meeting up to study in the library at weekends. - was telling him about your post and he reminded me of this!

Oh bless him that sounds really tough, I think I’d give him some time, everything feels terrible and overwhelming now but he might feel a bit better in a few days.

Personally if he doesn’t want to go back I’d see if he can defer his place and what the options are re getting out of the accommodation contract. But there’s no point making this decision when emotions are so heightened.

Poor lad. What if he had a change of accommodation? Would he consider going back with a new place to live?

Yes, I think he would, but I’m unfortunately not in a position to afford two lots of accommodation. I’ve checked the contract and the only way of getting out of this agreement is if he can find a tenant to take over his current accommodation (which is highly unlikely)

Would you be willing to say which uni? Someone may have a child there who might be in the same position and looking to make a friend?

Yes, it’s Cardiff University and he’s studying psychology

I did get over it, but took a while! The thing that helped me is that I actually had a close relative at the same uni. I was miserable for a long time.

My DM didn’t want me to return home. It was a case of, well there’s nothing for you here: you don’t have a job, why would you come back? She wasn’t a particularly loving person, and was one of these people who thinks you get on with whatever life deals you, and emotions don’t come into it.

You know the sort of person your son is. You can encourage him, but please don’t force him. Let him know that you are there for him and the decision is his, and his alone. If he was thinking previously about taking a year out, then I don’t see that there’s a such an issue if he doesn’t go back, then decides within a couple of months that, maybe I should’ve stayed after all!

I don’t think pressuring him is a good idea (I know you’re not). Saying things like, you might not have the same opportunity next year… Not helpful (again, know you’re not). I think he needs to deal with the issue in hand: Heartbreak. this is what he needs to get past. This is what is consuming him right now. I think thinking about stuff that this may affect going forward is not helpful.

If he wants to quit and stay at home and heal, let him.

You know, I’ve just read your response again.

I think I would have been better if I had come home – to a parent like you. Unfortunately I didn’t have that kind of support.

Breaking up with my first love was the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Not everyone gets it. My parents didn’t, cause they had never felt like that about anyone. Including each other.

If anyone had some sort of physical injury, you wouldn’t just say, right get on with it. You know that they would need to take time to heal. Things like young love seem to get dismissed. If it’s important to your son, then it’s important.

TBH, if he’s saying his life has no purpose … uni is irrelevant. Keep him close, love him and support him. What’s the worst that can happen? He gets over it and wants to go back to uni. Brilliant.

I would recommend posting on the Facebook Group WIWIKAU What I Wish I Knew About University. Maybe you can help him link up with other students that way. You can post anonymously. I hope things work out for your son.

There is a specific Facebook group for Cardiff uni parents. Also one for Cardiff Met uni. Try them. I’ve seen lots of messages where parents try to get their YP some support etc.

As you can't get out of the accommodation contract the best thing is probably to try to swap accommodation within the same private halls or same provider. If he could move into a larger flat that really might help him settle in and find his feet.

Good luck

Thank you, this particular place only offers the same flat arrangement, there are no options for larger flats. The company do own another halls that looks like it’d be much better, but when I asked about swapping I was told the only option would be for him to find someone to take over his current accommodation. I just can’t understand why though as it’s the same company and the same price… and they have rooms available. I’ve tried speaking to a few different people at the company and they’ve all said the same thing unfortunately. But thank you for your suggestion, it would have been ideal.

What a difficult start he’s had through no one’s fault. You’re in such a tricky position OP. My gut tells me that despite feeling sure that things will improve if he pushes on, the best course of action might be for you to let him make his own decision without pressure either way.

Creating an expectation that he should crack on may make him go back because he doesn’t want to let you down. My own experience of tough love and adopting a stiff upper lip hasn’t been good which I guess clouds my thoughts on this.

I believe that at this stage there some time for him to give any tuition loan back without penalty.

The combination of heartbreak, loneliness, unfamiliar surroundings and lack of support network would be hard for anyone to navigate. He sounds very down and your support could really help him bounce back. He may be best to be back home to build himself back up and hopefully go back to uni next year.