Son refusing to return to university after heartbreak and a lonely start

[ser]

Sorry… it’s long!

My son has just turned 18 and, despite always being adamant he wanted a gap year to go travelling, he changed his mind last minute. He got excellent grades and got into the university and course he wanted through clearing. Because it was through clearing, we opted for private halls; he was in a room with an en-suite and a tiny kitchen shared with just one other student. After his A-levels, he spent the summer travelling and visited some really cool places, both with his mates and his girlfriend. He seems to need to be busy and is keen to be out and about, playing sport or just generally in the company of others.
He moved into his halls quite early. It just so happened he’d landed from a flight from Japan at 10 p.m., and we had to leave for uni at 4 p.m. the next day. We moved him into his halls, and the place was completely dead. There were no other students and no flatmate. He was clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, so he decided to move his stuff in, then head off to spend some time with his girlfriend (who’d also just started at a different uni).
After four or five days, he went back to his uni, but it was still pretty quiet. There was still no flatmate and no one really about to speak to. He joined a gym, went to the student union, walked into town, and put a message on his halls' WhatsApp group to see if anyone fancied a drink, but no one replied. Freshers' week started and he went out a bit, but he was struggling with not knowing anyone and started to feel really lonely.
He decided to come home one day this week, and whilst here, he split up with his girlfriend. He is absolutely devastated! He is sobbing, crying, and just absolutely heartbroken. He is now refusing to go back to uni, as he’s saying he’s so lonely and isolated and has absolutely no one.
Normally, I’d kindly tell him he needs to put the effort in and make friends at uni, and that everyone feels lonely to begin with. However, I have never, ever seen him so unhappy in his whole life. He was completely in love with his girlfriend and is finding the break-up really hard. I just don’t know how firm to be. I know that once he gets over the heartbreak and finds some friends at uni, he’ll love it, but he just can’t get past how he feels right now. He says he can’t bear to go back there and feel so lonely.
I’m really unsure how to navigate this. I have tried everything to swap accommodation (as has he), but other than a tenancy takeover (which we have tried but had absolutely no interest in), there are no options to swap. His actual lectures start Monday, so I’m desperately trying to convince him to go back Sunday night, but he just won’t consider it. I really don't know how hard to push him. He’s absolutely in bits, and to throw him back into uni seems harsh. On the other hand, the distraction could do him good (if only he could find some mates), and we are liable for the whole rent regardless (which is £8,000). I really just don’t know what to do for the best, and I don’t want him to make any rash decisions that he’ll massively regret. I’m also worried sick about his current mental state!

@ser

I'm puzzled by the lack of students in his Halls, OP.

Could it be that it's a Hall which largely takes post-graduates, who may not need to be in Cardiff until later in October?

I see that Cardiff Uni guarantees a place in its own Halls to First Years and is now offering possible rooms to post-graduates, suggesting that the take up of Cardiff Uni rooms by First Years has dropped below the number expected this autumn.

I wonder whether something is different this year. It could be that a significant number of the students who applied to Cardiff this year are actually already resident in South Wales and have decided, for financial reasons, to live at home,

It's a difficult situation.

Having said that, it may be that he will spend very little time in the Hall, once the need to work in the Library increases and he spends more time socially.

He will probably make new friends and move to a house share for his second year.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Dd1dJM4O4ep/?stkn=MW5qdGRsZ2xncnVicA==

The Cardiff Uni Psychology Society are off on a pub crawl this week, OP!

I agree with you. But I hide it from him - I would never show him how much it is affecting me. He has no idea and sees a strong veneer. but I can’t help feeling like this

I remember my son calling in tears as he was “so homesick” after going back for his second year. He had gone back a week before term started and the previous year had not made friends. He had joined the rugby club the previous year as he loved the sport but he hated the laddish drinking culture. He wasn’t homesick but was very lonely. Once we had persuaded him to find and look at joining other societies (he found his tribe in the archery society) life improved.

When I went to university in NYC (my family lived 400 miles away) I was unable to secure any university accommodation and ended up living in a YWCA that happened to be the base for prostitutes servicing the sailors on nearby boats. It was lonely for a short period, but didn't really seem to affect me all that much. And eventually when I found my group of friends at the university, I ended up spending most of my time at someone else's apartment. I secured student accommodation the next year and I don't think I suffered much emotional detriment. I ended up dropping out, but that was for an entirely different reason. I think your son will be more resilient than you think.

Glad to hear he has gone back OP. I hope you will be able to help encourage him to focus on the things he can do something about and that he gets to meet people on his course and/or societies. I’d be really encouraging him to seek out opportunities to meet other people, and be honest about the fact that he’s not had the chance to meet people in his accommodation. Everyone is in the same boat about wanting to meet people and make friends so if he can push himself to start up those conversations hopefully he’ll start to meet people. Hopefully this will soon be no more than a blip!

I’m glad he’s gone back. Hopefully he meets people on his course. He really needs to get down to the student union and find out what societies, clubs are meeting when and where. If he’s missed freshers fair I’m sure there will be a website which details them all or even posters up maybe in the SU?

Thanks so much for all the messages. He went back last night after what sounded like a much needed weekend away with his mates. I think the initial shock of the heartbreak has eased and although he’s pretty sad about it, he’s picked himself up and dusted himself off. He enjoyed his first lecture this morning, then had to go to a seminar shortly after… just him and 4 girls who he said were a really nice group. He’s reached out to anyone and everyone he possibly can and is meeting others in a pub in the city centre tonight. He’s email the cricket club about missing his trials and is hopeful going on a social night with them on Wednesday. He said he’d probably go to the psychology social pub crawl tomorrow night to get to know some of the others on his course. He seems in a much better place and ready to give it a go. There is absolutely no life in his halls but I think he can see the light with meeting others through sport and his course. Still a way to go but I at least feel he’s in a similar position to most who have just started uni… just a boy trying to find his people (rather than a broken hearted boy, in lonely halls, with no friends). This group has been fabulous at supporting a mum having a real panic… so thank you all so much, I’m much more confident now that he’ll get there. Such a different experience to my other son, who is one year older, and seemed to walk into uni and never looked back 🤷‍♀️ they are all so different but I’m pretty sure they’ll all find their way 🤞🤞

I’m so pleased to hear this. Thank you so much for taking the time to update. I think he will
fly - all his actions demonstrate a very resilient attitude. Of course he would be heartbroken about his relationship end and the less than fabulous halls situation seemed to exacerbate his distress. But he’s taken stock and used his agency in these trying times. You should be very proud of him. I hope you are feeling a sense of relief yourself now and you should be proud of the son you have raised and how he is navigating challenging real life stuff. He can keep pushing for a swap (week 6 seems to be the turning point) but if he is very extrovert involved in sport, social activities etc a calm refuge might well exactly what he needs to restore, reset his social battery and get on with the work load rather than return to a flat of 8 rucking about toilet paper and weeks of dirty dishes in the sink.

This is because individual flats are often owned by individual investors. Pensions funds. They refuse to have empty flats with no income

How is he doing 3 days in?

So pleased to hear that update OP!

@ser

I thought of what you said about your son's student accommodation when I heard the trailer for Radio 4's You and Yours earlier, OP.

Apparently, there has been a fall in demand for such accommodation because of the decreasing number of international students and an increase in UK students choosing to live at home.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0032s9m