Son refusing to return to university after heartbreak and a lonely start

[ser]

Sorry… it’s long!

My son has just turned 18 and, despite always being adamant he wanted a gap year to go travelling, he changed his mind last minute. He got excellent grades and got into the university and course he wanted through clearing. Because it was through clearing, we opted for private halls; he was in a room with an en-suite and a tiny kitchen shared with just one other student. After his A-levels, he spent the summer travelling and visited some really cool places, both with his mates and his girlfriend. He seems to need to be busy and is keen to be out and about, playing sport or just generally in the company of others.
He moved into his halls quite early. It just so happened he’d landed from a flight from Japan at 10 p.m., and we had to leave for uni at 4 p.m. the next day. We moved him into his halls, and the place was completely dead. There were no other students and no flatmate. He was clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, so he decided to move his stuff in, then head off to spend some time with his girlfriend (who’d also just started at a different uni).
After four or five days, he went back to his uni, but it was still pretty quiet. There was still no flatmate and no one really about to speak to. He joined a gym, went to the student union, walked into town, and put a message on his halls' WhatsApp group to see if anyone fancied a drink, but no one replied. Freshers' week started and he went out a bit, but he was struggling with not knowing anyone and started to feel really lonely.
He decided to come home one day this week, and whilst here, he split up with his girlfriend. He is absolutely devastated! He is sobbing, crying, and just absolutely heartbroken. He is now refusing to go back to uni, as he’s saying he’s so lonely and isolated and has absolutely no one.
Normally, I’d kindly tell him he needs to put the effort in and make friends at uni, and that everyone feels lonely to begin with. However, I have never, ever seen him so unhappy in his whole life. He was completely in love with his girlfriend and is finding the break-up really hard. I just don’t know how firm to be. I know that once he gets over the heartbreak and finds some friends at uni, he’ll love it, but he just can’t get past how he feels right now. He says he can’t bear to go back there and feel so lonely.
I’m really unsure how to navigate this. I have tried everything to swap accommodation (as has he), but other than a tenancy takeover (which we have tried but had absolutely no interest in), there are no options to swap. His actual lectures start Monday, so I’m desperately trying to convince him to go back Sunday night, but he just won’t consider it. I really don't know how hard to push him. He’s absolutely in bits, and to throw him back into uni seems harsh. On the other hand, the distraction could do him good (if only he could find some mates), and we are liable for the whole rent regardless (which is £8,000). I really just don’t know what to do for the best, and I don’t want him to make any rash decisions that he’ll massively regret. I’m also worried sick about his current mental state!

I agree. Feeling life has no purpose is a horrible feeling and IMO thoughts like that should be taken seriously. Let him heal at home OP without feeling he has failed. The rest can wait.

OP also, speak with the university accommodation support team. Private accommodation providers usually agree to a code of conduct and they will be able to advise you how to proceed on the basis that DS needs to be back home to be safe.

I’m so sorry OP, I can remember so well what heartbreak felt like at that age.

he sounds like a resilient kid re the travelling etc. I’d tell him that because everything is paid for, he has to give it two weeks. If he’s unhappy after that you can reassess. I’m sure since he’s a sociable, busy person he will be swept up into his new life pretty quickly.

OP, I get the impression that students are moving into private halls this weekend; there are two large, private halls of residence near me and I've seen lots of young people coming and going all day.

It may well be that the atmosphere will be much buzzier if he goes back to his halls this weekend.

Oh really? That’s good to know, thank you. May I ask which ones are close to you please?

Would you feel comfortable posting or DM what uni? I know my son struggled at times and would be glad to help. Eldest is at Sheffield, please message if we can help

Our daughter had the same thing.when she moved in there were two older students living there both in their third year.she never saw them as they studied all the time,and she was so lonely.she spoke to the university/student union,we as her parents spoke to them,finally they moved her in to a place where people her age/year where living,and she had the best time of her life,she didn’t want to come home when she finished completely this year.i hope everything turns out ok xxx

Thank you xx he’s at Cardiff University

He needs to go back to uni. If he doesn't go back, he'll feel useless and untethered.

But the living accommodation sounds awful and completely wrong.

Somehow that needs to be sorted so that he has a friendly busy flat share.

Speak to student services and explain about his mental health. Really push that as the issue for him in the current living accommodation

He needs to join clubs and sporting groups

He'll be absolutely fine after a few weeks with lots of fun and distractions

The trouble for him atm he has no frame of reference therefore he can't think "I got through X before therefore I can get through this" AND he has no distractions

I think you’re absolutely right! The accommodation really is awful and not suited to him at all. He’s currently spending the weekend with mates at their universities so he is seeing how much fun the university experience is, but just needs to get to the stage at Cardiff. Thank you. I will look into how the accommodation can be sorted, but every time I’ve called, it’s a flat no and unfortunately the contract is signed.

It makes no sense that they won't let him change flat -.how frustrating for you. But it's positive there is potentially a suitable one for him.

Would uni accommodation services or uni student welfare be able to intervene on your behalf? I really hope you can get this sorted.

Hi @ser

I checked with Claude ......might any of the below info be useful?

_

I am so sorry you are going through this. Experiencing poor mental health during Freshers' Week is incredibly overwhelming, and being in a flat where you feel uncomfortable or unsupported only makes it harder.

Please know that you do not have to just sit through this, and Cardiff University has specific teams to help you change your living situation under these circumstances.

Because this involves your health and wellbeing, your request will be treated with much higher priority than a standard room swap.

1. Register with the Student Disability Service Immediately

At Cardiff University, mental health conditions are supported through the Student Disability Service. By formally notifying them, you trigger the process for "reasonable adjustments", which includes prioritizing you for safer or more suitable university accommodation.
• What to do: Log into SIMS and complete the official Disability Support Form.
• The Evidence: You will need to provide medical documentation, such as a doctor's letter or a note from a consultant, confirming your mental health condition. If you don't have this yet, register anyway and book an appointment with a local Cardiff GP as soon as possible to request one.
• Contact: You can reach the Student Disability Service directly at +44 (0)29 2251 8888 or via email at [email protected].

1. Contact the Residences Team and Residence Life

While the Disability Service logs your medical need, the accommodation team manages the rooms. You need to alert them that your current flat is severely impacting your wellbeing. • Email Residences: Send an urgent message to [email protected] detailing your situation. Explicitly state that your mental health is suffering due to your current flat environment. • Talk to Residence Life: Cardiff has a dedicated Residence Life Team that works directly inside the halls. They are there to support students who are struggling to settle in. Look out for a Residence Life staff member in your hall or ask your reception how to speak with them urgently. They can advocate for you to the accommodation office.

1. Get Independent Help from the Students' Union

If you feel overwhelmed dealing with the university administration directly, the Student Advice team at the Cardiff Students' Union is a fantastic, independent resource. • They can help you draft your accommodation transfer request, guide you on how to handle your tenancy contract, and ensure your voice is being heard by the university. • You can visit them in person at the Students' Union building on Park Place (Cathays Campus). Immediate Mental Health Support If you are struggling right now and need to speak to someone immediately, please use these free, confidential resources: • Cardiff University Student Connect: Drop into the Center or access the 24/7 chatbot on the Student Intranet to be directed to an on-duty wellbeing counselor. • Samaritans: Call 116 123 (any time, day or night) to talk to someone. • Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258 if you prefer not to speak on the phone but need urgent mental health support via text.

Are you currently staying in university-owned halls (like Talybont) or a private student complex? If you feel up to sharing, letting me know whether you need a quieter environment, a different room type, or just a fresh start in a new flat will help me guide your next steps.

More or less exactly this happened to me at uni in the 90s - quiet shared flat, no friends at uni, dumped by the boyfriend at home I completely adored. The heartbreak was unbearable. I couldn’t eat or sleep, crying all the time. I went home for a week. My parents were really understanding but did encourage me to go back. I did bounce back but the initial month was very hard.
I don’t think you should push him, even if he does miss the course start. I’d let him process the heartbreak; he will still be in shock and grieving. See where he is after a week/fortnight?
maybe see in the meantime if you can get anywhere with student services on the accommodation front from a mental health perspective? It’s so important.
I have a son just started at Cardiff too but it sounds like he’s been luckier with accommodation in one of the main halls. Maybe there will be a bit of shift around? There might be students eg who are in a very social flat that doesn’t suit them and who would prefer a quiet place. Hence wondering if student services might be worth talking to as they will know this stuff.
very best of luck to him - he will survive this and be happy again!

This is such a shame. If lectures start next week I’m assuming he hasn’t met people on his course yet? This is where he’s likely to make friends. I lived in a small house in year one with two others as i didn’t get a place in halls. I had nothing in common with the two girls and never hung out with them. I made all my friends on my course. If he made friends with course mates his,living arrangements become less of an issue. Did he join any clubs or societies in freshers week? If he left Cardiff and went visiting his gf sounds like he hasn’t given it chance to meet others and settle in.

Has the freshers' fair happened yet? If he's not even started lectures I think it's a bit too early to be throwing in the towel as yes he's not off to a great start but once his course actually starts it may well improve.

I would bargain with him: join at least one club or society, go to the first few weeks of lectures and see how you feel then.

I don't think he will be tied in for the year to that accommodation with the new renters rights bill- if you can find somewhere he'd prefer I think you can just give notice on it. Might give him something to look forward to?

I would try and move his accommodation. See if there is somewhere where 5 or 6 are sharing a communal area, it will be a more social environment for him. Sounds like he needs people around him right now.

This would be ideal, but I’ve phoned on a couple of occasions and it seems the only way to get out of the contract is for him to find a tenant to take over (impossible) or withdraw from university and give 4 weeks written notice

I do think that the uni would step in to help because a potential severe MH crisis is not a situation they'd want

He’s in a private halls so the university have no power over what the private company will or won’t do.

You're right. But the uni will know about students who want to swap. And the uni will be motivated by the MH situation

He really hasn’t, and now he’s visiting other friends at their unis because he ‘needs to be around people’. He says he can’t bear the thought of going back and sitting in that room alone. But you’re absolutely right, he’s not given it a chance at all. I’m just worried about forcing the issue when he’s in such a bad place after the break up. Any other time, I wouldn’t think so deeply about it, and he’d be off out exploring and trying new things anyway, but he has been hugely knocked by the split x

Poor lad. But I think you’d be doing him a major disservice in life if you let him stay at home because of this upset.

It’s far too early to tell if he will enjoy uni or not and he will make friends. And unless you’re made of money the loss of 8 grand would not sit right with me.

Hes an adult now and he has to give it some time.

Part of being an adult is learning that life can be shit and we have to soldier through it.

Private halls are really unpleasant. My daughter stayed in one last year for a placement year, and they are not built in a way that makes it easy to meet people. She hated it and also tried to get someone to take over her tenancy but had no luck. I was so shocked that it is even legal that renters can lock people into tenancies like this for a full year, often vulnerable, miserable students who need to go back home. I wrote to my MP and she was very sympathetic and helped me to write a letter of complaint and escalate it up, but we had no luck. The renters rights bill has stopped this for private landlords but not for private halls owned by big companies (often dodgy offshore ones) - they managed to lobby the government to not be included.
And yes, the only way to get out of it is to not be a student any more, because legally they can't have non-students living in them. So purely because of this, I would tell him to drop out and come home, spend the year getting better, then try again next year.
I was dumped at the start of uni, and utterly bereft and devastated, like your son. I tried to muddle through until about February but I was basically failing the course because I had no headspace to study, so I came home. I went to a different uni a year later and did really well.

Hi OP, that sounds really tough for your son. Things may get better for him as other students will be arriving now.

I just want to make you aware of fee liability. Most unis have a “cooling off period” that extends to the end of week 2 of teaching. After that, if students withdraw, they are liable for at least 25% of fees. (Obviously it’s taken from Student Finance England but it can impact future applications and of course loan repayments.)

My advice would be to encourage him to (a) find out Cardiff’s “cooling off period” deadline, and (b) give it an go with a view to making his decision by then, to avoid fees if he does want to withdraw.

He can likely “defer” his place until September 2027 if he wants to.