Son refusing to return to university after heartbreak and a lonely start

[ser]

Sorry… it’s long!

My son has just turned 18 and, despite always being adamant he wanted a gap year to go travelling, he changed his mind last minute. He got excellent grades and got into the university and course he wanted through clearing. Because it was through clearing, we opted for private halls; he was in a room with an en-suite and a tiny kitchen shared with just one other student. After his A-levels, he spent the summer travelling and visited some really cool places, both with his mates and his girlfriend. He seems to need to be busy and is keen to be out and about, playing sport or just generally in the company of others.
He moved into his halls quite early. It just so happened he’d landed from a flight from Japan at 10 p.m., and we had to leave for uni at 4 p.m. the next day. We moved him into his halls, and the place was completely dead. There were no other students and no flatmate. He was clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, so he decided to move his stuff in, then head off to spend some time with his girlfriend (who’d also just started at a different uni).
After four or five days, he went back to his uni, but it was still pretty quiet. There was still no flatmate and no one really about to speak to. He joined a gym, went to the student union, walked into town, and put a message on his halls' WhatsApp group to see if anyone fancied a drink, but no one replied. Freshers' week started and he went out a bit, but he was struggling with not knowing anyone and started to feel really lonely.
He decided to come home one day this week, and whilst here, he split up with his girlfriend. He is absolutely devastated! He is sobbing, crying, and just absolutely heartbroken. He is now refusing to go back to uni, as he’s saying he’s so lonely and isolated and has absolutely no one.
Normally, I’d kindly tell him he needs to put the effort in and make friends at uni, and that everyone feels lonely to begin with. However, I have never, ever seen him so unhappy in his whole life. He was completely in love with his girlfriend and is finding the break-up really hard. I just don’t know how firm to be. I know that once he gets over the heartbreak and finds some friends at uni, he’ll love it, but he just can’t get past how he feels right now. He says he can’t bear to go back there and feel so lonely.
I’m really unsure how to navigate this. I have tried everything to swap accommodation (as has he), but other than a tenancy takeover (which we have tried but had absolutely no interest in), there are no options to swap. His actual lectures start Monday, so I’m desperately trying to convince him to go back Sunday night, but he just won’t consider it. I really don't know how hard to push him. He’s absolutely in bits, and to throw him back into uni seems harsh. On the other hand, the distraction could do him good (if only he could find some mates), and we are liable for the whole rent regardless (which is £8,000). I really just don’t know what to do for the best, and I don’t want him to make any rash decisions that he’ll massively regret. I’m also worried sick about his current mental state!

Savage by name ...

Sounds like he needs a break to process his heartbreak. My brother became suicidal at uni. Luckily my mum went back to get him after I asked whether he was safe and on reflection she decided he wasn't. Obviously not everyone ends up feeling that way but I'd always keep it at the back of your mind whatever happens next. Young man, new and stressful situation, recent heartbreak is peak demographic for dark thoughts creeping in.

Give it a few weeks and uni halls space will definitely come up, there will be drop outs who realise they don’t like their course who will be desperate for someone to take their place.

This was me in my first year of university. It's almost exactly my story. I'm happy to talk via PM if that's helpful.

@ser

These look promising, OP.

https://www.cardiffstudents.com/activities/sport/golf/

https://www.cardiffstudents.com/activities/sport/menscricket/

https://www.cardiffstudents.com/activities/society/6824/

But if he moved into uni halls he will have to pay for his current private halls AND the uni halls. He's locked into the private contract for a year unless he drops out of uni altogether

Where is there evidence of this?

Think this is likely.

Hi OP,

Your poor DS, what a miserable start. Completely understand about being tied to the private halls contract and it’s really shit that they won’t help.

it really doesn’t sound like he has been there much at all though? Has he joined any societies or gone to welcome events for his course? Sports clubs tend to be very sociable at Uni. If he can go to some socials, he needs to get himself adopted by another friendly flat - to do that though he needs to go to some socials/get chatting to course mates and admit his flat is a bit rubbish/no first years around. DS’s friend was in a small flat (just two people) but he managed to get adopted by others and hangs out with them now.

I’d also encourage him to speak to welfare services at the uni or SU, they might be able to help with putting pressure on the company to at least move him to a better hall that they own.

I hope that you are able to persuade him to go back and focus what he can do to improve things rather than dwelling on the negatives and the things that are rubbish. If he’s pretty sociable and has lots of friends, feeling lonely and friendless will be a real shock to the system, and he’s maybe just not used to having to put a bit of effort in to find his people. He won’t be the only one, lots of people will be in busy flats but dislike their flatmates.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to respond. I really do appreciate all your ideas and suggestions. Before his break up, Cardiff was his ‘dream university’ and he was (and still is) passionate about his course, so I know those two things are good choices. He wants to live the university lifestyle and is really into sport, the gym and the nightclub scene so I know if he’s able to get going, he’ll enjoy it.
He is quite reliant on his friendship group in the fact he needs to be around people all the time and doesn’t like spending time alone. The break up has really knocked him. Deep down I think he knows it was right decision as they were incredibly intense, but he’s really struggling coming to terms with it. He’s definitely not moping around at home as being on his own seems to be his biggest fear so he’s been going to the gym, seeing friends and is currently spending the weekend with his mates at their uni.
He has joined a gym in Cardiff but has unfortunately missed his cricket trials (they were yesterday). The biggest issue is the accommodation. It’s just not geared up to be sociable. He has no flat mate and there are lots of older students who are getting their heads down and working hard (according to him).
His lectures start on Monday so I think it’d be great to try and get him back for that, with the view of reassessing in 2 weeks time (which sounds like it’s the cut off before fees need to be paid).
The main reason for the refusal to go back is the loneliness of the accommodation. He’s gone from the best summer ever, travelling to some fantastic places with groups of friends or his girlfriend, and I think he’d assumed he’d walk into one big party at university. He’s found himself with no friends, no company and now no girlfriend.
in every other situation I wouldn’t think twice about telling him to get back there and get involved, but I’m now worried I’d be forcing him back to something that he’s not ready for, and the loneliness of it all. I think I will try to get him there for Monday, be at the end of the phone whenever needed and just hope he finds some friends in the lectures. I think 2 weeks effort of his part is a reasonable request. Thank you again to everyone for your wise words x

Yes please

OP, is there a possibility that he could return to University later today?

The Psychology Society are holding a coffee morning tomorrow.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DdtuUhCOHYx/?stkn=MTBsZGZxemR2NnlnbA==

I have plenty of evidence in a giant digital folder that is baked inside the brain of every woman living in this country and the title of that folder is helpfully labelled 'MEN'.

Unfortunately not, he’s currently in Loughborough! I wonder if this is a weekly thing though, I’ll look into it, thank you so much

The worst thing you can burden yourself with at Uni is a high school GF or BF. It wasn't that many years ago that UCAS put a BF or GF on their list of things "not to take".

I hope he manages to do a few weeks before taking a decision. Life is long, and can at times be dull.

I went to Uni (decades ago) assuming it would be like "Friends".

I mean - it got there eventually but that first term was hard.

I think the sensible thing is to say for him to go back for a couple of weeks and come home at the weekends if he needs to.

Once he starts lectures he can start chatting to people he sits next to. Also join a couple of clubs. Between lectures and the gym he’ll be getting out and the week will fly by. Better than being sat at home dwelling on his ex. It’s hard but sometimes the best thing is to keep going and get into a routine.

If he doesn’t perk up after a couple of weeks of that or maybe a month then deferring would be the best option. He’ll need to have a plan though as sitting around for a year doing nothing could get him into an even worse position.

To be honest, it would be best if he got the train from Loughborough to Cardiff today, if you can persuade him to do so.

I feel for your son. My daughter is at a different uni and there are several facebook groups for people rearranging student accommodation in her city, so that is one thing to try. She had luck with that when someone dropped out of her 2nd year house and they managed to replace them.

It is definitely a shame he is in a quiet flat, but the people you live with in any first year flat is down to luck. He will be more likely to meet like minded people on his course or in societies. If he can bear to, I would try to throw myself into sports, which he enjoys and which have a big social scene. There will probably be some less well-known sports that don't have try outs, or could he send an Instagram message to the cricket team to say he missed try outs but would love to come along? Some sports you can also just join for the Wednesday night socials.

Your post really touched me as he sounds a lot like my son. I wish him the best. It sounds like he has all the qualities to embrace uni life, he just needs to spend a bit of time and to keep putting himself out there. It is time for him to be brave, but I think he's got it.

Ps something I have realised with my son is that he is a real planner for his group of friends and they in turn rely on him to take that lead. He is full of enthusiasm but also easily gets disheartened when people don't respond or are flaky - he finds it hard to understand why they might want to stay at home when they could be having fun. Maybe your son could send another message on the halls chat - it's unlikely people haven't replied because they have all made friends already and don't want any more. Maybe they were shy the first time. He could even say something like 'Is anyone else finding it hard to meet people here? My flat is so quiet.'

If the company are insisting he has to find someone to take over his flat he needs to be haunting the places he wants to live, looking for somebody who hates a crowd and wants to live alone. Those people will be out there, though probably hiding away in their room. It's really tough but the best way to settle in is to immerse yourself. Sports teams will help.

Tell him to do one more week.
And then another.
If people in lectures aren't social then he needs to join clubs and have activities with people.

Poor lad. But he'll get over her. It just hurts like hell when you're young.

I think he knows how to cope better than you think he does. He knows he needs to be around people and despite his heartbreak that’s exactly what he has done. Look at his actions not his words. He is talking to you which is great and he is tapping into his established friends and social networks.

Some people don’t even attend freshers week - and those that do it’s all very false - no one is having a wild time with strangers - which is what everyone is in those early days.

My DD is ADHD massively busy, hugely extrovert, social, loads of sporting and cultural hobbies and interests. Had taken a year out done a professional level job and travelled extensively……but we had the weeping and wailing for weeks. Her ADHD means she verbally processes and everything thing is amplified - which I would often absorb as fear and anxiety. I took me time to watch her actions - after the emotional download / vent to me she would then say she was off to do x,y,z. She is massively loyal and emotionally connected to her friends and was like a fish out of water having traveled with them for 6 months and them not being there. She made all her friends via her course which she is passionate about. She was sharing a room with an unpleasant disinterested international student which was intolerable. She just was out busy only back to sleep. She got a transfer after 6 weeks. Lots of people move about at that stage.

Try to take it day by day. What’s he doing today - hes with his friends so being emotionally nourished and safe. If he comes back late Sunday and agrees to go in on Monday then that’s enough to keep nudging along. Day by day.

He’s going through heartbreak of his first love. He won’t be the only one in term one.

I find it’s always best to give someone an exit opportunity when they are in deep disrepair - ie drop out after week 1 …. I can guess he won’t do that. He is better equipped than you think.

Agree. Another one of mine wouldn’t come out of her room if the any of the other 8 flat mates were in - she would have loved this swap. Get posting on groups. Also getting moving / physical is important to shift mood even for a few hours. He has to get thru his heartbreak at his own pace - but lots of distraction is a good thing. Also coming back or visiting friends at other unis isnt social death - most weekends are much quieter than during the week - as long as hes around for Thirsty Thursday student night in Cardiff he will be fine. Best of luck to you all. Remember he will feel different/better each week that passes. Sounds like he’s a sporty social extrovert and other peoples company is like oxygen - same as my younger daughter - my older one has zero social battery and is happy as a pig in shit having quiet time.

You’re right, thank you. And interesting what you’ve said about your daughter as my son is exactly the same! (His brother is a year older and has ADHD but I have never suspected it with him, interestingly enough though, his brother went to Exeter last year without so much as a blip, he seemed to settle the moment he arrived. I appreciate they are all so different though) thank you for your kind words

It’s so so hard to see your kids suffering. If he really can’t face going back, and you’re worried he’s too fragile to do so, could it be an option to transfer to the uni where he already has friends? It might not be his dream uni but at least he would be working towards his original plan but with friends around him, that would surely be better than just not going at all? Hope it works out for him and he is feeling in better place soon.

Is it not now possible now to give notice and only have to pay for 2 months? Was that not a new law that came in in May? I can’t remember the details, but it might be worth looking into