Son refusing to return to university after heartbreak and a lonely start

[ser]

Sorry… it’s long!

My son has just turned 18 and, despite always being adamant he wanted a gap year to go travelling, he changed his mind last minute. He got excellent grades and got into the university and course he wanted through clearing. Because it was through clearing, we opted for private halls; he was in a room with an en-suite and a tiny kitchen shared with just one other student. After his A-levels, he spent the summer travelling and visited some really cool places, both with his mates and his girlfriend. He seems to need to be busy and is keen to be out and about, playing sport or just generally in the company of others.
He moved into his halls quite early. It just so happened he’d landed from a flight from Japan at 10 p.m., and we had to leave for uni at 4 p.m. the next day. We moved him into his halls, and the place was completely dead. There were no other students and no flatmate. He was clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, so he decided to move his stuff in, then head off to spend some time with his girlfriend (who’d also just started at a different uni).
After four or five days, he went back to his uni, but it was still pretty quiet. There was still no flatmate and no one really about to speak to. He joined a gym, went to the student union, walked into town, and put a message on his halls' WhatsApp group to see if anyone fancied a drink, but no one replied. Freshers' week started and he went out a bit, but he was struggling with not knowing anyone and started to feel really lonely.
He decided to come home one day this week, and whilst here, he split up with his girlfriend. He is absolutely devastated! He is sobbing, crying, and just absolutely heartbroken. He is now refusing to go back to uni, as he’s saying he’s so lonely and isolated and has absolutely no one.
Normally, I’d kindly tell him he needs to put the effort in and make friends at uni, and that everyone feels lonely to begin with. However, I have never, ever seen him so unhappy in his whole life. He was completely in love with his girlfriend and is finding the break-up really hard. I just don’t know how firm to be. I know that once he gets over the heartbreak and finds some friends at uni, he’ll love it, but he just can’t get past how he feels right now. He says he can’t bear to go back there and feel so lonely.
I’m really unsure how to navigate this. I have tried everything to swap accommodation (as has he), but other than a tenancy takeover (which we have tried but had absolutely no interest in), there are no options to swap. His actual lectures start Monday, so I’m desperately trying to convince him to go back Sunday night, but he just won’t consider it. I really don't know how hard to push him. He’s absolutely in bits, and to throw him back into uni seems harsh. On the other hand, the distraction could do him good (if only he could find some mates), and we are liable for the whole rent regardless (which is £8,000). I really just don’t know what to do for the best, and I don’t want him to make any rash decisions that he’ll massively regret. I’m also worried sick about his current mental state!

If you think there is a possibility of ADHD - then the Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria will be rinsing through him right now. Cardiff is the one uni I hear consistently that students have a great time at (I have had 4 go to uni over the last 8 years) - also his course will likely be more emotionally attuned students (and lots of girls…) due to the subject. I suspect he will be just fine after Monday ❤️❤️❤️

Poor boy. But the split with girlfriend should make it simpler to start afresh at university. Does the university have a freshers week with social activities. That would be the chance to meet others and join sports societies etc. I realise he probably feels too down right now to put that effort in. Make a deal with him that he goes back for 2 weeks to attend classes, even if he doesn't attempt anything social. After that if he's still adamant then he can come home for a week to think it over. He might find home a bit boring if all his old friends are away

My son didn’t go through a breakup but was utterly lonely when he first started uni and really wanted to drop out and hearing him cry on the phone to me was heartbreaking. I was quite firm though and gave him a timeline and told him to stick it out until the half term which he agreed to and by the time it came around to that time he had found friends and started to thoroughly enjoy his time there. It is hard but it may be the best thing for him to do rather than sit home with no plan or distractions. Good luck to him and you.

apologies, I haven't read the whole thread, just a thought, it sounds like he's got really good mates, are they all FT in courses now? Are any at uni near him? Could they visit him for a weekend? If he had a friend, sibling or a cousin who might come and stay a night or two, get him out a bit to meet people, might just get him over the best couple of weeks?

Also these ‘intense ex GFs’ frequently pop back up again in a few weeks once they realise the grass isnt greener or they have hit a lonely spot themselves. I have two older DS so seen this play out more than once. Often it’s not to resume the relationship but for their own comfort. He doesn’t owe her this. My advice to my DSs was not to go back - one did and lo and behold 3 months down the line dumped again - that took a lot to come back from as he was like a kicked puppy as he had jumped thru hoops to keep her happy on round two - became very unbalanced.

Well that’s not true. I had the wildest time during freshers with a bunch of strangers circa 2013. One of those strangers now being my husband and the other two my best mates.

People have all kinds of university experiences, but it’s a lie to say that nobody has the big party, launch into friends version.

My daughter has adhd and spends a lot of time with her friends . She has gone to uni in the city she loves alone. It’s been hard , as some of her friends are together in other unis and she’s on her own. She’s been putting herself out there. Just finished third week. Slowly getting to know course mates and joining things . Has gone to visit uni friends for the weekend to take a break. Still feels like she just has people she knows after three weeks but I’ve explained to her that it wouldn’t be normal for people she’s meeting to feel like friends as she’s known her friends for years ! She told me this weekend that she’s realised she has to put the effort in . Went out on Thursday , lost the people she was in and let some lovely students in the club she was in who were understanding when they saw her a bit lost and walked her home and exchanged numbers. A course mate wrote to her to do something this weekend but she’s away but has told her she will meet up Monday. Baby steps . Takes time for it to feel like home. Her flat is also unsociable which doesn’t help but she’s been looking at the accommodation chat and trying to arrange with others and visiting others in other accommodations.
If the cut off is not yet maybe encourage him to just try for a week see how it goes. Not everyone clicks with uni straight away. If ts all a new experience. Like stating a new job takes a while for it to feel normal. He can then decide before cut off.
he can always visit friends at the weekends too!

could we make a post on Mumsnet OP??! There are so many people on there someone must have a child at Cardiff uni in some capacity that would be willing to
connect with your son even for a drink. Young people are kinder then sometimes they are given credit for, if your son wouldn’t mind something like that of course!

I meant on mumsnet*

From what you have said, Uni hasn’t started yet, so there won’t be anyone there. If he goes back tomorrow there will be people everywhere and then classes on Monday to make friends

If Lectures start on Monday, I would encourage him to go, and then see if he can get a group together to go to YOLO - https://www.cardiffstudents.com/our-venues/events/yolo/ it's the big night out of the week (DD was at Cardiff) - it might kick start
some friendships?

I’m overwhelmed by how kind everyone has been on this thread, what a lovely, supportive and helpful group. Thank you all so much for the advice and kind words. I think after spending the weekend surrounded by friends, he’s in a slightly better place. I’m hoping to get him back there tomorrow evening 🤞 even if only for a few weeks to give things a really good go. I will keep you posted ❤️

Is there a Facebook group or similar for his course? Could he post on there? Everyone at uni wants to make friends and are usually very keen for literally anyone to come to events/parties with them. Hes gone very early, even if not in private halls I doubt anyone would have been around before freshers week, its not an indication of how lonely his entire experience will be. Private halls can be lonely and he hasn't had the chance to make course/society friends yet.

I went to Cardiff and my best friend was in the same boat as your DS, private halls with no friends and we met through Facebook group for our course, she basically just came and hung out with my flat for freshers and the rest was history! I would encourage him to go back for this week, meet some people on his course. If he still feels the same next weekend then see if he can defer for a year. Cardiff really was a great city to go to uni, and will give him everything he wants from the experience.

I was miserable as sin for the first couple of weeks. I think new arrivals panic before their lectures start as they haven’t started meeting their course mates yet. Those are often the closest friends you make. I was placed in a student house (university accommodation) with mostly fourth year medical students. I stuck it out and ended up having the best time of my life once my course really got going. If you’d told me that in those first lonely and frightened weeks I’d have never believed it. He should go back and come home weekends if he’s struggling until he inevitably makes friends. He's sociable by nature, you say, so he will make friends, at the moment his isolation is circumstantial. And he’s young, heartbreak cuts deep when it’s a first love BUT he’s about to meet loads of single young women with similar interests, he’ll be falling for someone else before he knows it.

That’s brilliant news, think the best possible outcome. He can give it a whirl so that he feels that he has genuinely tried and then make a call in a few weeks time. Well done, will keep everything crossed for him!

@ser

Are things looking brighter today, OP?

This exact same thing is happening to my son right now. I could have literally written that post! I am so upset and worried I’m not sleeping or eating and can’t stop crying. God knows how he is feeling (still at uni but otherwise identical circumstances)..
what uni is he at? Imagine if at same uni as my son - they could find each other!

So sorry to hear this! OP's son is at Cardiff.

Any way you could go up with your son and stat there for a few days to help him settle in?

Ah that’s a shame - different uni. I’ve just spent the weekend with him - the weekends are the worse as he has nothing on. On top of being lonely and friendless he now has heattbreak on top of it. Very sad but hopefully transient

Oh no 😢 is the uni far away from home? Could he come home on weekends?

Oh no! It’s so horrible isn’t it! I’ve got constant knots in my stomach. He’s at Cardiff uni. Where is your son? Sorry… just seen your update. So sorry for your son (and you) xx

They are I think thank you, just home from dropping him back in Cardiff. The shock of the heartbreak seems to have eased ever so slightly but the accommodation situation is still dire. I went in with him to take some shopping etc and didn’t see a single other person and must’ve walked up and down 5 flights of stairs about 10 times carrying things back and forth, there is just no one about there x

Exactly that. I’ve applied for a room move ..
all I can suggest to him is to throw himself into clubs and sport. But coming home to radio silence - when others are having so much fun- is not good! Thinking of you and all other kids and parents going through this .. they say you’re only as happy as your least happy child and this is so true

I would take that as incremental progress - if he’s not paralysed by the heartbreak then he has some energy and agency to either push to swap accommodation and / or work hard to build out his social, sporting and course experience outside of the flat situation. I hope tomorrow goes well for him - first day of the course. Maybe encourage him to be the initiator of a course meet up. Someone has to do it - might as well be him (will be popular if he does) rather than waiting a week for someone else to take the initiative. Take it day by day.

Kindly if you “are not sleeping or eating and can’t stop crying” it tells me that you are emotionally dysregulated and not grounded sufficiently putting you in an impossible position to soothe, support, guide your child at their time of need. Do you have any coping strategies that have de escalated you in the past so that you can be emotionally available to help him?