Shouldn't parents be teaching freshers life skills before university?

[RampantIvy]

I am still on the WIWIKAU Facebook page as DD is a post grad student.

I keep reading posts from parents of freshers students worrying about how their student DC are going to manage cooking, laundry and other life skills.

Isn't it our job to teach them those skills? Why on earth haven't these parents done so?

I admit to challenging one parent in the past about this and got my post deleted 😁

Back in the day weren't most halls catered and bedding provided?
Doesn't this make the "I went to university with just one suitcase" comments irrelevant?

Yes my uni was mostly catered back in day and now is all self catering. Bedding was also provided and washed. I only paid rent term time and moved out in hols.
Most unis now don’t have catered options. Those that do tend to be unis with high percentage of private school students. There’s no catered option at all at my DD’s uni (high ranked RG)

I hadn’t realised unis halls no longer provided bedding and towels and wash them until my DC1 started uni. Duvet/pillows/linens/towels are a significant extra load to have to take with you and a hassle to wash.

Actually I live in the most deprived region in the country with the lowest percentage of kids progressing to University. Several of DDs college friends received contextual offers for University and nearly all of her friends have worked PT while at sixth form to pay for their car running costs. If you live in an area where there's no public transport a car is an essential not a luxury.

I grew up in rural Scotland. There was one bus a day that came nearish our farm that went into town and one that came out from the town. They were called 'the worker's bus' - they arrived in town for 9am and left after 5pm. Everyone learnt to drive as soon as they turned 17.

It was certainly the case for Bristol in the mid-80’s (I can only think of 3 self-catered halls; so maybe 10-20%?). We assumed that they were for fussy eaters or people with allergies. Eating 2 course school dinners had been very much the norm too.

We collected sheets and pillowcases weekly, ferociously starched. Our rooms were cleaned once a week too.

I lived in University-owned houses for years 2 and 3 and these had a fairly hefty assortment of kitchen pans/crockery/cutlery. Again we had cleaners. If we wanted heating we had to feed a slot meter linked to a 2 bar electric heater.

Happy days..

Horses for courses. I never wanted to do any of the stuff my Mum was keen for me to get involved with (cooking, stuff around the house). On the other hand I was super studious and independent in other way. Guess what - once I had to I just picked it up.

My kids are similar to me, zero interest and maybe I should have pushed for them to get more involved but I just haven't. I'm not going to worry though- they'll figure it out somehow (and they have Google AND AI nowadays!).

Saying that, both YP and I were set on catered halls to remove some of those early day stresses. Plus it's THE best way to get to know people A no-brainer and I'm pretty sure it actually worked out cheaper overall too.

I think lots of people fuss and worry about the little things to avoid thinking about the big things. I know when my son was in and out of hospital when he was little I used to feel like it was the end of the world if his slippers didn't match his dressing gown or if his teddy bear didn't have a hospital gown and bracelet too.

When my eldest started university I was so worried about him not making friends or people being mean to him. But he was fine. I miss him hugely but he is living his best life and having a great time. I know deep down my 2nd son will be fine too. Although he will probably be eating a lot of frozen food and toast at the beginning. But that's ok and he will get better at cooking. In the meantime I will be worrying about stuff that doesn't matter.

The study you're talking about showed that the brain was still developing at 26, when the study ended. It's entirely possible that brains continue to develop well into your 30s and beyond. However, this does not mean that a 20 yo, or a 30 yo, is not (or should not be) a capable adult.

Snowplough parents always out themselves.

we don’t own a tumble dryer , so it’s good to know about the brandy stuff ! ( we use a dehumidifier and a clothes rack with a sheet over it )

The learn when they get there is what hopefully happens but isn’t always true.
My dd was in a 12 share halls flat in yr1 which was truly disgusting. Some never washed up but worse than that would use other people’s dishes and pans and then hide them in rooms and cupboards caked with food. Another never ever emptied the kitchen bin eg last one there at holidays and didn’t take it out so there was a disgusting smell when they all came back. One of worse culprits was ex expensive boarding school so maybe it just didn’t dawn on her that there wasn’t staff to do it. Her parents presumably were clueless about how filthy she was and thought by giving her money so she could eat out/order just eat it would solve all issues. Food rotting in fridge and not being thrown out was also a constant issue, several seemed oblivious to their slime dripping on others food.
It’s ok if they will learn and muddle a long and you are confident they will do that. But no skills at all to point they are impacting others isn’t on.
On move out day there were industrial bins piled with grey (formerly white) filthy duvets/pillows/toppers. Clearly some hadn’t found their way to the onsite laundry all year.
You can learn to cook pasta/ask about laundry settings etc but that wasn’t the issue it was the complete lack of noticing basic hygiene/chores needed doing presumably as mum had always done it and that negatively impacted others.

It’s ok if they will learn and muddle a long and you are confident they will do that. But no skills at all to the point they are impacting others isn’t on

Well said @Moreholidaysthanjudithchalmers

I don't remember actively teaching DD to do everything, but she just seemed to pick stuff up by noticing how things got done in our house. She enjoyed cooking so I didn't need to teach her anything. I had always encouraged her to cook and although she dropped DT after year 9 she had learned enough at school as well as at home to understand the basics.

More importantly, she knew where to look things up.

I remember at Christmas she was the last to leave halls to come home. There was going to be a flat inspection and she was up until 3 am cleaning the kitchen.

Move out day was unusual because of lockdown. I think DD was the first to leave and as long as she had all of her stuff no-one cared how clean the kitchen was. I remember making sure that her room and ensuite were clean though.

Clearly, I am referring to NT students here BTW.

Don’t get me wrong mine wasn’t some domestic goddess but basics were there. They had a halls cleaner once a week for kitchen and communal bathrooms and had a flat tidy up Tues night (he wouldn’t clean if surfaces not clear) and some never participated. My dd has a physical disability so I did worry about some practical things and visited a few times. So I saw with my own eyes. The worse culprits seemed to go home but parents not visiting so I suspect they had no idea. Money seemed to make things worse eg better off students would buy fresh berries and leave to rot whereas if your food budget is £30 a week you aren’t buying punnets of raspberries and blueberries to ignore and rot.

Is that meant to be a judgemental dig at me? I didn’t even accompany my DC to open days, the difference is I don’t judge parents who do.

Just seen a thread in WIWIKAU from parents posting pictures of their DC's first attempts at making a meal at university and being proud that their intelligent student could make a sandwich, heat a tin of spaghetti hoops and burn some sausage rolls.

I have no words.

I find it's usually the really academically able ones who lack practical skills. It's a shame really as my 13 year old will never have the academic skills to go to university. But he can cook, clean and do basic diy already. My 20 year old has improved a lot in his cooking skills but still struggles a lot with other practical things.

I'm avoiding the facebook page at the moment because there is quite a few posts about upset first years and upset parents at the moment. I have to admit I'm feeling like when the hedgehogs got squished in the animals of farthing wood at the moment when I look at the page. I know I will be ok when dc2 has gone and I know he is happy. It's that time just before that's tricky.

They’ll be fine.
I know someone who lived on cornflakes at uni, but is now an excellent cook and a bit of a gourmet.
There’s too much sneering on this thread. Live and let live.

Why?

They’ll manage and none of it is rocket science. The mollycoddling of kids is insane. Every minute and experience micro managed.The idea that kids will crumple in a heap because they haven’t been taught to cook or fill a washing machine is ludicrous. That they won’t cope because mummy hasn’t given them a crash course in working out a washing machine button or reading instructions on a pasta packet. They’re doing degrees!!!

My husband and I went to uni in the 80s with my husband turning up at a station with a suitcase. Neither of us had been taught anything. It’s part of the fun of it and wasn’t hard to learn even without a phone and the internet at our fingertips.

Just leave them be, get off the parent groups. It’s their experience, not yours.

I have no words that you’re on parents groups and so heavily invested in your adult child’s life.

Part of the experience and fun of it is learning new skills and survive- yourself!

Nope they weren’t. Mine certainly wasn’t and neither was my husband’s.

To be fair to some extent parents groups can be useful when applying. He liked x y and z uni where is similar but slightly lower grades for insurance etc. There’s a lot of people with experience. But the oversharing, micro managing and completely inappropriate expectations in some cases for staff and flatmates to be practically carers is wild.

DD sent me a photo of her first meal complete with herb garnish 👩🏼‍🍳 Her flatmate arrived with a selection of home cooked meals which are stored in her shelf in the freezer. Two weeks in the flatmate has hardly had to cook and DD is feeling very superior about her cooking skills (don't think she'd quite appreciated how much she knew because cooking and baking is her sister's hobby so on the wider family DD2 is the one who gets all the praise).

When I first met DH he couldn't cook. Now he does most of the cooking at home.

Not everyone does it, some parents do. 'We have A levels next week', 'we are applying to Bristol'. Weird.

Not sure I’d be wanting my student kids cooking with fresh herbs. 😂Keeping costs down and shopping in Lidl is the message I sent. Packed the first off with a student cook book, didn’t bother with the second as it’s all online.Herbs out of a jar are fine and their fresh herb days will come. I remember just rocking up with Grub on a Grant , teaching myself to cook and surviving on butter bean goulash at times which was basically butter beans out of a tin,cheese and yogurt. 🤢 My dc have taught themselves a very cheap menu which they live on. Keeping debt down is the priority.