Treatment Resistant Depression (sensitive content)

[SB1967]

I suffer from very severe depression.
They've told me that according to their records I've tried every available antidepressant.
In April I saw a psychiatrist and asked for electro-convulsive therapy , which they rejected. I've tried to beat this depression with gym work, cycling and other exercise. None of it has worked. They told me to go to socials with other people struggling mentally and struggling with social isolation but my depression is just so deep that I don't want to be around other people , especially strangers .
I am now seriously planning my own s***e
I've told my closest relative that "I have to die". I suppose I should see a GP or ring NHS 111 but I'm not sure they'll help me. I'm struggling to leave the house during the day too. I absolutely cannot get out of this. I assume they'll continue to deny me electro convulsive therapy in which case I feel I have no choice but to delete myself.
The depression has become very extreme and frightening and I'm scared it'll turn into depressive psychosis. It's like they're waiting for me to get much worse before they help me. It has been a slow torturous descent into an extreme state and it's agony.

Does anyone have any experience of treatment resistant depression?

I feel I'm sinking into mental illness (aside from depression) I don't think counselling can help at this point. My years of chronic isolation are catching up with me.

Not counselling but an assessment with a highly skilled and experienced clinical psychologist could really help?

Are you still going to A&E tonight?

I've only read your posts, OP, so don't know if it's been mentioned, but has anyone mentioned TMS to you? It can work well for some people. My post feels pretty significant but I thought I'd mention it in case it's one more thing you could try. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I’m so sorry op! I hope you are doing as ok as possible tonight 💐

Please bear in mind that nothing ever stays the same forever (very trite though that sounds).

Yes

I think A & E is the answer at this point. You need to make it clear to them you have specific plans to end your life, if that is indeed the case. The specific plans are what makes it different to ideation, which they see as less serious. Hopefully they will put you on some antipsychotics, which finger crossed, you will find help with the depression.

I don't understand why they didn't offer me additional medication earlier this year. I saw a psychiatrist twice.
This has been dragging on for a very long time and it's just torture.

Yes, it’s ridiculous the hoops you have to jump through to get the help you need. I feel bad for the many people who are simply too unwell to do so (likely most of them!)

Keep pushing for what you need, OP. One day you will look back with fresh eyes and a much calmer mind and be glad you did. I know that’s hard to imagine now, but as someone who has been through this and come out the other side, it’s is worth not giving up.

Hope it goes well and you get the help you need. 💐

How did you get on @SB1967?

Someone upthread mentioned T3, please read up on it OP.

Therapy is definitely helpful and should be considered alongside medication but most therapy isn't appropriate for those experiencing severe depression as the severe depression symptoms mean it is very difficult to engage with the therapy in a meaningful way. I have had therapy on and off for years, when my depression is at its worst it generally stops - especially if it is time limited.

When the depression reaches the point where you are barely able to leave the house and overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts that's not the time for therapy. My mum had a fractured back she had to rest whilst the fracture healed and then slowly start getting more mobile. I find this is a good metaphor for mental health too. I have always felt immense guilt when my depression reaches the point when I can't do many of the things that I know people will say are good for me. I have all of the skills I have learnt in therapy over the years but sometimes. You have to rest to help your mind heal and find the right medication that helps you slowly be more present and then you can look at therapeutic work.

It is also not an easy route to access therapy. I'm under a specialist service at the moment and even an internal referral took 3 months for psychology review. This has given me 4 sessions with a psychologist to determine what therapeutic support might be helpful. I have my final session this week where I will find out if the service she would like to refer me to will accept the referral. It will be likely a 3-4+ month wait if they accept the referral.

I don't mean to be negative as therapy has helped me in the past BUT at the right time and when the long wait doesn't feed into the depression which it very much can do in my experience.

They told me that I'd see a psychiatrist about adding medication and that I'd be contacted by neighbourhood mental health team. I don't know how long this will take but it can't happen soon enough.
When I go to A&E I always think I come over as much more stable than I am. I think this counts against me. I'm in a desperate state for sure.

It is really hard when you have long standing mental health issues. I can speak quite matter of factly about what I'm experiencing which then makes it look like I'm not being as impacted as I am.

I hope the mental health team get in touch with your soon.

They didn't tell me how long I'd have to wait to see a psychiatrist to get medication reviewed but every day is hell. I didn't dare ask in case they said "October" or even "November".
I could probably go private but it would wipe my savings out quickly.
As it is I'm still planning suicide and it is becoming a necessity not a choice.

It's like you'll only get immediate treatment if you have attempted suicide or cracked up completely and become a threat to others or yourself . I suppose I'll just have to wait until I get even more depressed then...not eating not talking...that's the path I'm on. Immense suffering that's unavoidable. And of course they've denied me ECT earlier this year.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Its just so unfair.
I've never been able to cope with life so I've been just left to rot in agony and chronic isolation , a fate worse than death, they should allow people lke me to get voluntary assisted euthanasia we shouldn't have to resort to violent methods that may fail and leave us disabled (which has happened to two people in my area in recent years)
No one asks to be dragged into this hellscape and it IS a fucking hellscape.
It feels like society is just getting nastier and nastier and more Darwinist.

Sorry SB. You sound so so low.

please do not give up hope. Please read my previous thread. The human body will heal once on the right path

Legally pharmacists cannot. I'm sorry it's left you in such a position, there's a lot of different meds that are unavailable and it's a nightmare.

The one to get hold is either the prescriptions clerk or surgery pharmacist (most GP surgery groups employ a pharmacist as part of their team). This is who can expedite getting your script changed to a form of venlafaxine that is available.

I also think you need a referral to a MH specialist, they are the ones with additional knowledge

I haven’t read the whole thread but do have a friend who was at the very end of her tether with treatment resistant depression.

she did try the ECT which didn’t work for her, she asked about transcranial magnetic stimulation, but since the ECT didn’t help, they didn’t want to try it, and then she went on something called esketamine (spravato) which she takes twice a month and her life has been restored. She is doing brilliantly. I know every treatment doesn’t work for every person, but surely there is something that might help you?

I don’t know anything about it except the name and the fact that she was ready to give up and now she’s loving life again.

I hope you can find what helps you.

I can't believe I'm not in hospital
It's just sickening how people are left to suffer like this
Obviously I don't have the energy to be asking for help every day , it took all my energy to go to A&E the other night
There is stuff going on in the background but I won't mention that as it'll be removed.
I used to go walking as a way of reducing stress but that no longer works so I'm mostly stuck at home all day every day ALONE and it's just torture
I envy the dead I really do

SB - can you try get out today, even just for a walk to your library? There might be a book you stumble on on depression. I promise there is a way out of this - please don’t give up