Treatment Resistant Depression (sensitive content)

[SB1967]

I suffer from very severe depression.
They've told me that according to their records I've tried every available antidepressant.
In April I saw a psychiatrist and asked for electro-convulsive therapy , which they rejected. I've tried to beat this depression with gym work, cycling and other exercise. None of it has worked. They told me to go to socials with other people struggling mentally and struggling with social isolation but my depression is just so deep that I don't want to be around other people , especially strangers .
I am now seriously planning my own s***e
I've told my closest relative that "I have to die". I suppose I should see a GP or ring NHS 111 but I'm not sure they'll help me. I'm struggling to leave the house during the day too. I absolutely cannot get out of this. I assume they'll continue to deny me electro convulsive therapy in which case I feel I have no choice but to delete myself.
The depression has become very extreme and frightening and I'm scared it'll turn into depressive psychosis. It's like they're waiting for me to get much worse before they help me. It has been a slow torturous descent into an extreme state and it's agony.

Does anyone have any experience of treatment resistant depression?

Did you go to a&e last night?

Just checking back in.

I hope you are ok as can be in the circumstances Op 💐💐💐

My love, I truly feel for you. I had this in my 30s. Nobody expected me to survive it, but I did. I’m nearly 60 now.

youre trying everything, and that’s what you have to keep doing. I promise you it won’t last forever. Even if it feels that way.

depression is an absolute living nightmare, but it’s not real. It’s just your brain working against you, but it can work for you eventually.

your plan isn’t the solution to this problem. You know this. I know you know this.

I can’t give you the answer, the solution, but all I can tell you is that you will come through this, you will beat it, it’s not real and none of the negativity is rooted in truth.

Find some way - fake it if you have to - to tell yourself that you’re here and you’re not going anywhere, that you ARE loved, you are valued and wanted and depression can fuck off to the very furthest side of fuck, because it’s not winning.

try and find the faith in yourself, try and find the truth in yourself and cling on to it like your life depends on it.

because you know it does.

i believe in you, you will have others who believe in you. Take some of that belief and try to feel it. I know your depressed brain will filter it out, but the evidence IS there that you need to stay here. I know you won’t feel it straight away, but you have to accept it.

you have to try to learn to love yourself, well, small steps, to tolerate yourself first and foremost
eventually it becomes easier

I heard once that depression is anger turned inward, so see if you can find a way to direct that anger away from you.

that may have been garbled, I’m sorry if it is, but know that I’m rooting for you to win this war.

you can do this

Hope you are OK OP?

Yes thank you I'll post again when I feel up to it

Thinking of you and ready to listen when you want to talk.

Hi @SB1967

Just wanted to check in to see how you are?

Really struggling may have to go to hospital tonight.

Yes you should go back again.

Have you still not received an appointment with the psychiatrist to review your meds?

I have read on Mumsnet about people using magic mushrooms for depression. Recent research seems to support it https://www.kcl.ac.uk/news/promising-results-from-first-publicly-funded-uk-randomised-trial-of-psilocybin-for-depression.

So sorry you are feeling so low. People here seem to have knowledge and experience that hopefully is helpful.

No. Every single day waiting is agony and it's so unfair that I and no doubt others in similar situations have to suffer like this.
It feels like they wait for you to crack up completely before they help you
I'm just getting worse and worse angrier and angrier and I'm in danger of either self deleting or losing it completely

I’m so sorry you are being left for so long without at least an appointment date to see the psychiatrist. I understand what agony it can be waiting for help when you are so low.
I’m not sure what your financial situation is but if you could afford around £400 for an assessment with a private psychiatrist then they would be able to review your meds. It could be done via zoom so you wouldn’t need to see anyone in person. That would be better than waiting ages for the NHS to help.

I'm planning to go to A&E tomorrow
It's just become unbearable and frankly my life is at risk

But that’s what you told them last time you went and you didn’t get any help then. The system is broken unfortunately. I really hope you can get some help this time.

True but they told me to go back if I felt that I couldn't keep myself safe.

Hope you get some help tonight then 💐

How are you today @SB1967?

OP, I can't believe this is still going on.

I believe you when you say that your life is at risk.

If you believe yourself, go and stay there. Don't go home. Describe whatever evidence there is that you are at imminent risk. Do not be put off. Do not return home.

Sorry, I don’t see how refusing to return home will help the OP? Do you really think that will achieve anything?

Hi op, How are you?

I'm in a terrible state .
I don't want to wait in a crowded A&E (it is packed 24/7)
Even if I did go to A&E I won't be helped.
And of course I'm not going to be hospitalised.
Even if I threatened to jump from a bridge or something there's no guarantee I'll be helped. I guess I'm required to wait until I crack up completely then something might happen.

^ I'm sorry if this comes over as self pitying but as I've said before the scale of the mental health crisis is clearly too big for the politicians to handle. It's only going to get worse. The scale of suffering is appalling, I feel like I'm practically being forced into suicide to be honest.

Go online now and find a private psychiatrist who will review you via zoom. Your savings aren’t any use if you are so unwell anyway. @purplelovecats was in a similar situation with lack of NHS support and she saw a private psychiatrist who quickly sorted out her meds.

I went to a&e a couple of weeks ago and they called in the psych doctor to change my meds. Are you sure they won't help you or speed things up?

I know how hard it is to wait in a&e for what feels like an endless amount of time but you need some hope. You need to at least know when your appointment is.