Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

Still here for you BengalTiger and trusting that you have loads of RL support and that the past few days have been ok. Here if you want to talk. Here if you don't.

Morning BT.still here for you are you ok?

Hey Bengal Tiger
i never met your Dad or Mum and don't know you but I suspect your Dad would have cherished every day he spent with you, and never ever regretted any working day he spent supporting the two of you- a Dad like yours was will love unconditionally, hence would be reassuring you now that he is so glad he had the priviledge to share his life with you and support you, Bengal Tiger. So please dont let the severe depression skew your thoughts into not seeing your Dad's point of view, as well as your Mum's, who is priveledged to have a second chance to share life with you and support you- she is so very lucky, Bengal.
Bengal Tiger, you are a loner at times, and that's OK. You have every right to be on this planet and every right to equal respect to the next person. None of us are immune to mistakes, we are all human but flawed.

For me, I find taking a magnesium supplement really does help with severe depression, and I have suffered it all of my adult and teen life also, so have tried many different things to help. Magnesium is just a vitamin/mineral tablet- you can find it at the health food shop/supermarket. Hold on honey, we all
Take care Bengal
xx

Hey Bengal tiger,
I meant we all are preying for you to be able to reach out to who you feel comfortable-the Samaritans or a help line, or your local GP, your Mum. So glad you came here to chat to everyone, you were right to reach out. let us know how you're feeling today -hold on, hon. xx

Hello BT. I hope you are OK. I've heard that counselling can make things quite uncomfortable for a while as emotions are stirred up - so don't worry if things seem worse than ever for a bit, as they will get better soon. It's a slow but sure process. Take care x

BengalTiger: I have only just come across your thread. I am so relieved and happy to see that you chose to seek help. You are so brave to have taken some action.
I have been to therapy, I can tell you that it is a long process, even if you think it's not helping please give it time. You have so much to live for, please never give up.

I remember feeling very depressed when I was a teenager (you are dealing with so much more than I ever did though) and very depressing thoughts also came to my mind.

I am so happy I never acted on them. life has it's ups and downs, it always does, but I am so happy now. Life is worth living, you will come out of this.

Thinking of you today BT.

I hope your counselling went alright today. An update would be good - as well as nagging, the other thing we mums are really, really good at is worrying ... it would be good you know you are OK.

Hi everyone. I'm sorry for not updating for a while. I crashed pretty hard last week. I was writing my final exam and I just broke down. I can't really explain what happened but it felt like every bone and muscle in my body had just given up. I've not been in the greatest state recently. I've been in hospital and i'm not eating much (despite my mum nagging me a lot) or talking much. I'm on suicide watch (my mum is sleeping in the other bed in the guest room with me) and everything just feels so difficult.

I'm tired. Just so tired.

Really pleased to hear from you, but I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now.

You did so well to even think about sitting your exams.

I'm glad your mum can be with you xx

Having my mum around is comforting.

She's probably really grateful to be able to help - it probably helps her to feel useful too.

I think your poor body just needs a rest - you've been through so much. Take care.

that exhaustion is awful< I remember that< I hope you take all the time you need to allow your mind and body to recover. If I could offer one piece of advice it would be try not to worry about the amount of time you feel you are stagnating, you will feel better but try not to count each day you don't as a failurexxxxx

Hi BengalTiger, you don't need to apologise to us. We said we'd be here for you and, if you too find being here useful, then that is what you have. You have an awful lot on your plate and are right to allow your mum's presence to comfort you. Her love is a given.

Those exams don't matter right now so don't give them a moment's thought. The point in doing them at all at the moment was only because it was something you wanted to do. I have to say that I'm glad you are on suicide watch. It will help to keep you safe. Getting better is going to take time. I have no direct experience of that but listen to cjel. That is real understanding.

Tomorrow we celebrate midwinter Christmas. It's warm at Christmas here so we have another crack at it when the weather is more wintry. I shall be thinking of you and praying for your own story that is just waiting to unfold. And then I'll pile my plate high with turkey and ham and other goodies and raise a glass to your good health.

@ Cjel - the exhaustion really is awful. Sometimes I go through patches when I'm okay. Like earlier today I was listening to music and it made me really optimistic just for a lil while. But it's like an illusion.

Thanks for the message.

Homebird8 - Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts. Midwinter? Winter?! At this time?! Planet Earth, eh? I can't imagine a Christmas being warm. When I was little I used to love it when it snowed at Christmas. Now I hate it. Such a nuisance. Especially when the snow melts and it's all slush. I hope you and your family have a great time.

I feel exactly the same about snow and especially slush BengalTiger. Pointless, cold, wet stuff! My DH keeps trying to persuade me that snow is a good thing and I'd love skiing. I'm unconvinced.

I wish I could make your brighter times last a little longer. Don't forget that even in the dark ones we are still here, gently willing you on and sending strength to get through. Give your mum a hug. Your body can feel the love even if your head is feeling a bit distant.

its weird how real the crap seems and how far away the real world is, the peaceful optimism will stretch and you will find that the minutes will grow longer and you will look back and see you had a whole hour, then evening that wasn't bad. slowly slowly bt, you will get it back.x

I'm having a really bad day today. I rang up the Samaritans earlier. Sometimes my suicidal thoughts spring up so irrationally. Like if something irritates me, instead of just being irritated, suicidal thoughts just come out of the blue. It's ridiculous really.

so pleased you rang them I hope they were the help you wanted. I would say that although the rational part of BT knows its ridiculous as they are your thought s they are vaild. I think its hopeful that you don't seem to want them and recognise they are not what you want. Thant sounds like progress is it?

Yeah, the Samaritans helped. You're right about the rational part of my mind recognising those thoughts and I'm able to shut them out sometimes, but other times I'm not. I wrote a suicide letter for my mum earlier today. It's just those dark patches that are so hard to get through. Sometimes i'm unable to resist them.

if you have mum,real life help, here and samaritans between us we should be able to take the strain so you don't feel like you are wearing anyone out. Is it despair you feel ? that you don't want to be here or is it feeling so low that you want to stop and can't think of another way of stopping it?

Yeah it's despair. Exactly that. Constant despair and it just doesn't come from a single thing either. So many things seem to come together and attack my mind as one and it becomes unbearable. Sometimes I think I'm gonna go crazy. There's a bridge near my house with a considerable drop below and today, right before I rang up the samaritans, I went for a walk I found myself gravitating towards the railings. I actually had to jog quickly because those voices in my mind amplified when i was on the bridge.

that must be so hard to cope with, glad your 'proper' brain knew you didn't really want to go over! I don't think you are going crazy I think your mind is stretched to its limit at the moment, did I tell you about i t being like a rubber band and the more it gets stretched with stress the less it springs back to peace. You have to wait for it to spring back more slowly now it has overstretched. Every time you have good thought s or a good rest or time of distraction it gets chance to get some stretch back - it just seems to take forever, when you are waiting.x

I'll remember the rubber band analogy. I wish i was like you and was over this thing. It's exhausting.

it is shattering, you won't ever be like me I have my fears and phobias still but you will be the best BT you can be and it will be miles better than me!!!