Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

I doubt I can be miles better than ya. It's heartwarming to read about someone get past this.

Listen to Cjel BT - and others up-thread who have got past it. All of them are so glad they resisted that urge.

the trouble is its only when you start to talk about it that you find out how many people have suffered the way you are. you are getting the right help that when you recover you will never feel like this again.

Yeah you're right. I felt like I was the only person in the world going through what I was. Kinda made me feel even more lonely and hopeless.

@ Cats - I'll try my best to resist.

BT, so many people your age are going through this. I read about it all the time. The only thing that matters is that you are alive, the rest of your life will sort itself out.

Hey BT I've only just found your thread.
You are so young, and you've lost the most important person at the worst age to lose someone
My son is a year younger than you, and was recently bereaved, so your thread really struck a cord with me.
My son feels a massive sense of guilt. He feels guilty for being happy, he worries that he might have been responsible, and he wasn't responsible for what happened, just like you're not.
My sons father doesn't see him. He felt this rejection very deeply, and it has always made him question himself. He doesn't always feel deserving of good.
He's also really into his music, lots of thudding noises are coming from his room right now
What music are you into? Music is the best it can be so powerful

It doesn't feel like a lot of people my age go through the same thing. Though I do remember reading somewhere that in males, the age group most prone to suicide is 15-24. Don't know if they were US or UK stats though.

There are so many people who are male and your age that go through it that there is entire website devoted to suicidal male teenagers. I'm trying to remember what it is called and where I read about it.

You have been through so much BT, it is absolutely 'normal' for you to feel like this. I'm sure that anyone who had been in your situation would feel like this.

@ Maristella - I'm sorry that your son was bereaved. I know what it feels like.

Thudding noises coming from my room, too :) I absolutely adore music. honestly t would take me all day to list all my favourite genres but I'll try: Drum and bass, ambient, film and video-game scores, 70s-style Rock, Soul and RnB (particularly the old stuff from the 70s, 80s, 90s), jazz, reggae and old hip-hop.

My dad absolutely loved music. Sometimes he'd just sit in the living room on a Sunday and just listen to the Beatles or Rolling Stones. Growing up I'd hear the songs and just started listening to the stuff he did. He had a broad love for music - that's where I get my wide taste from. It's weird though cause I don't really listen to a lot of modern stuff besides modern drum and bass. What's your son's favourite kind of music?

its the nature of the beast though isn't it that people who feel this way tuck in and lose contact with others so no one knows when they are going through it. it feels like there was a core of you that doesn't want to die and has reached out and you are going to take the help you can to change and get well. when you feel like it it may be good to ask if there are people around that you could support. there is a need even if its on the phone or online.x

Yeah I think the core in me doesn't want to die either. Self-preservation is a pretty strong thing. Plus there's so many things that I've always wanted to do before I die. Thanks for your support. It means a lot.

But they do! I did, I was so miserable in my teens, and I didn't have a hard time like you've had.
I work with young people and sometimes they can be really low in mood, makes me sad.

Yep we're into drum n bass here too I took my son to see ltj bukem last year, and we're seeing him again in August. Can't wait!! Have a look on YouTube and let me know what you make of his stuff. Your music tastes sound just like ours

On a good car journey I'll listen to some dnb, some Stevie wonder, some snoop, some Damian Marley
My son is making a tune right now actually, he finds it really helpful as a release.
Can you access any music right now? Please get some playing.
Your Dad sounds ace

Maristell, I don't know any of that music, but BT I just danced around my kitchen to a song from the 70s, i love listening to Johnnie Walker on bbc radio 2 from 3 till 5 on sundays it is called sound of the 70s I always end up dancing and singing as though I was a teenager again.

You sound like an awesome mum. I wish my mum was into DnB. She says it just sounds like a bunch of noise lol. But she likes the old stuff, particularly RnB and Soul.

I'll check out ltj bukem. Stevie Wonder's awesome. Like I said I love video-game scores and on a recent game trailer his song, "Skeletons," was played in the background. I've watched that trailer over 100 times cause of that song.

What kind of tunes does your son make? Sounds really cool. I get the making music as a helpful release. Totally get it. I like to write as a release. Not only do i find it calming but I also love playing God lol. You know, creating people and worlds. It feels like I'm really there.

And I'm listening to some ambient music right now. Really calming. And thanks about the my dad.

@ cjel - 70s music is amazing. Sometimes I wish I was from that era because even though it's great to listen to stuff like that right now, it woudl've been awesome to be there when the music just hit the streets. But then again, there were no computers and video-games back then so I don't know how I'd cope!

Your description of musical Sundays took me back to my own childhood my dad would be blaring out the stones really loudly!

My son makes dnb, electro and sometimes a bit of techno
All my fault, he had it inflicted on him from day 1 by me
When did you last see some live music? Make it your mission to do that this summer!

i think we just took up our time with what we did have, i remember getting little radio which i used to put under my pillow to listen to radio luxemburg as all other stations shut down at night. we had much better access to liv e music though, one year about 1973 i think i saw Elton john, david bowie, david essex, gilbert o sullivan, rod stewart, bay city rollers and others, we just used to pop down the road and they all came to the town!!

So you're an electronic music junkie? So cool. I forgot to add trance, progressive trance and funky and progressive house to my list actually. I always listen to trance when I'm writing.

The last time I saw some live music . . . wow. Easily over 2 years ago. I'm really introverted these days and I prefer spending a lot of time on my own. My mum took me to a football game a couple of months back and I was so anxious cause of the amount of people there. I felt like they were all judging me.

cjel - You saw Elton John, David Bowie and Rod Stewart? That's so cool. Sometimes I really feel separated from people my age cause of the stuff I like. I can't stand the likes of Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj and lot of people my age listen those guys.

They wouldn't have been judging you at all - they would have been wrapped up in the game. That's depression talking (got the t-shirt).

@ Cats - yeah I know. The rational part of my mind knows but sometimes the irrational side wins.

Anyway everyone I've gotta go. Thanks for the support. It's been nice talking and it's made me feel better. Hope you all have a good night and sleep well.

agree cats, horrid feeling that everyones looking and judging when really they probably haven't noticed.
Yes saw them all in small theatres standing at the front close enough to touch!! david bowie was the 1st concert i ever saw. I really feel like an old grannie now!!!
I think because we didnt have all the technology we really did go out and make our own entertainment. we saw ice shows, stage shows went out to see stuff at museums etc because there was no internet we only knew about it if we saw it, it was a good time I'd forgotten all i'd done, thank you for the lovely trip down memory lane. I also used to go to watch football matches every two weeks, although I think the crowds may be too much for me now.