Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

This Thursday?

Yeah - making up for the session I missed. It'll revert back to one session (Mondays) a week. In all honesty I'm not optimistic about counselling. Didn't really take all that much from the last session, even though I know it's a gradual process.

Hi BT, the first counselling session was gong to be a bit new for you. Glad you have now met your counsellor and I hope you really start to get on with him or her. I'm sure it'll get more natural as things go on and that it will help. Good that your next session is so soon.

I'm also glad that the phone line helped before you went for your session. Best to find the people who really can help you. An engineer on the MN probably isn't the best qualified . I'm not going away though. Just an ordinary mum keeping an eye on you. Have you shown your mum this thread? It might just help.

I expect this was more about you meeting your counsellor and getting to know him/her rather than doing too much. I doubt anyone comes out thinking they got much from the first session.

Did you like them? What were they like?

@Homebird - I hope it gets more natural like you said. And no, I haven't shown my mum. I'm not talking to her that much right now to be honest.

@ CP - She was okay. Seemed like a nice enough person.

Are things not good with you and your mum after recent events?

No. Not really. She's trying but I'm not reciprocating. I honestly don't know why.

I'm gonna go now. I've been thinking a lot about my dad tonight so I just wanna be alone. Hope you and everyone have a nice night. Chat soon.

Night BT.

only just seen you post bengal. I'm glad you have a counsellor.The process of counselling can be slower than you would like but it will work. It is often when you look back over the months you can see the changes, I find a journal helps me then when i feel low i can look back and am always encouraged at what has moved. try and go at your own pace, discuss what is on your mind at that time. someone said to me that the mind is like a loft, we keep storing up stuff until one day there is no room for more.counselling is like clearing the loft out. you clear out what is nearest first, decide whether it needs to go back up there now it is sorted, or if it can be sorted and disgarded. when you have finished there is plenty of room for all the normal thoughts that you need to think and all the rubbbish has gone!! I don't know if that makes any sense at all to you? hope you have a good night.

Can't sleep.

@ Cjel - I completely get your analogy. Pretty good one actually. I take it you've been to therapy and it looks like there have been positive results. That's really cool. I know it's a gradual process. Just that right now I just want to stop feeling like this. I've just gotta remember the saying "good things come to those who wait."

Hey BT I'm up for another hour.

I was just thinking about you actually. How is it going?
What's stopping you sleeping right now? I'm here if it helps to chat

Oops just seen UK time - hope you're asleep now

Back again...I was talking on a mental health tips and resource sharing thread on urban 75 forums. I recommend it if you fancy a new forum; it's huge and covers loads of areas; the 'health relationships sexuality' and 'community' boards are v good but you have to have been on and posted for a bit to access.
Anyway, this link was shared on the thread and I thought of you ( and me-years ago)

www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Take care

www.metanoia.org/suicide/

www.metanoia.org/suicide/
Work you silly link!

Morning, yes I did have counselling, person centred worked for me. It can tak a while but well worth trusting the process. I too 'just wanted all this to stop' but unlike you wanted to find ways to live and never felt that dying was the way that i wanted to make it stop. Hope you managed sleep?

How are you feeling today BT?

Good luck with your next counselling session tomorrow BT - I hope it goes well. I hope your cat is fine too.

Hello BT have you had your session today? how did it go?

Also wondering how you got on today, BT. I hope it went OK.

Two days until the end of your GCSEs - did you manage to squeeze in the two you missed?

Hello OP, you are still in my thoughts.

Thinking of you BT

Also thinking of you BT.