Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

BT I hope if you are in a low place you are getting the help that you need. We are all thinking of you and wishing you well, come back soon

This is worrying isn't it? He would know to link if he started a new thread wouldn't he?
Maybe PM him and then he should get an email notification as well.
I would but he wouldn't know me.

He dosent reply to pm,s Red. We will just have to wait it out until he comes back. Yes it is worrying.

I really admire all of you who have kept up with BT and cheered him up, and have given him some new insights and perspectives.

I should have known you would have tried PMing.

for you all.

Still in my thoughts BT

I'm fine.

Thanks for letting us know x

BT

Good to see your post, BT.

Thanks BT

Ive decided I'm not gonna go to sixth form cause the concept of life to me is pretty pointless. I'm not suicidal at all and but i just think there's no point to life. Like even when I wanted to put on weight . . . i really thought about it and it's meaningless really. Like a lot of other things in life. Just no point to it all.

Of course there is a point BT it's just that for the moment you can't see it. If you weren't having the depressive thoughts , you would be thinking differently. There is a lot in life to be joyful about and one day in the future you will see this.

Just hang in there.
That's all you need to do right now.
One day, life will have meaning and purpose again.
Til that day, just hang on.

Even the joyful things don't last and even if they do, what is really the point? I mean 200 years from now what will each of us, who will be long gone by then, matter? Nothing at all.

Even if you can't see the point now, I promise you will one day. And if you're going to be here, which I'm very glad to here you are, you may as well do something. Especially with the glaringly obvious ability that you have.
The most pointless thing is doing nothing.

glad to hear tsk!

I never felt the sadness that you seem to but I can remember feeling exactly the same, actually a bit younger than you.

If you can't do it for you at the moment, maybe do it because your Dad would have wanted you to?

Why worry about that BT you only have to worry about now and your future. What are you going to do with yourself if you don't do sixth form ? Have you been to see your counsellor again ? Do you think she / he is doing you any good ?

BBB - I dont really have obvious ability and even if I did, I still think it wouldn't really matter in the end. Life just feels completely random and without purpose. I wish I could believe you about things being different one day but I find it hard to see.

You do have ability. You have a great ability to write and express yourself. You have the ability to be a good sportsman. Don't be so hard on yourself, what do you want from life BT you can have Arab life once you have hottest this bad period in your life. That for now is the most important thing. Them when you have recovered you can start getting your life skills and build your future.

lin - I worry about it cause it just reinforces the way I feel about life being pointless. It's like a race that has no direction. About sixth form - I don't know and I don't really care. I just have no desire for it. And my counsellor is great.

BBB - Honestly I think the only reason I'm not having suicidal thoughts atm is my parents. You're right about my dad. And I know my mum would be devastated. I'm living for my mum atm tbh.

If you were in a happier state of mind, you wouldn't be thinking like you are. You are ill bt and until you are healed your thoughts won't change. But please believe me when I say that you can have a great life in the future. I am glad you get on well with your counsellor. The best thing you can Do for yourself and your mum is to concentrate on getting well

What have you been doing over the last week ? Have you been low all those days ?

Sweetheart, your ability is obvious to all of us, and if you develop and use it maybe in 200 years time your great, great grandchildren will be saying that famous writer Bengal Tiger was my great, great grandfather.

You may share insights, that you will undoubtedly have, that would help people, they tend to remember that.

Lin - I've tried to get well but I don't get nowhere.