It's all too much (very, very long, sorry)

[Grockle]

Right, I need to type this all out in one place instead of bits here & there on different threads. CBA to name-change. I don't expect anyone to wade through all of this but I need to write it to help me figure it all out. Any advice gratefully received, if anyone manages to wade through...

Basically, I am feeling pretty shit.

1. I am suffering with several chronic illnesses (& am probably now depressed). I don't seem to be able to get myself on an even keel. I am always exhausted & go to bed at 7. I don't sleep well because I shiver all night or am in great pain. I can't warm up - even in a bath hot enough to leave my skin red, I still have goosebumps. I'm too tired to speak, I don't want to see people. I can't focus long enough to read or watch tv. I can't walk more than a few steps without great difficulty. I am not able to go out or to look after myself or DS properly. I don't want a life like this & no-one seems to be able to help.
   
   
2. Because of all that, I am finding work extremely difficult. I am a teacher but am doing pretty craply - I don't do everything I need to and I am not being the best teacher I can be. I'm too tired to work, I can't speak in proper sentences, I cannot manage my basic workload let alone my other responsibilities. SLT are aware but, tbh, as long as I am at work & they don't need to cover me, they don't care. I have had quite a lot of time off & am having an assessment with OH dr because they are concerned about my future.
   
   
3. DP has had yet another breakdown & has gone to stay with his parents. This is the 3rd year he's disappeared for 2-3+ months. We're talking but he's suicidal, I can't do anything because he won't come home but he says he doesn't know why & he's not happy without me I don't know wtf to do. I have contacted his dr & mental health people but I can do more more. I'm just sad: I love him & miss him & am angry, hurt & scared about the future.
   
   
4. I am haunted by previous MH issues... Jimmy Saville stuff has opened up old wounds, DP's depression hasn't helped & I am back to wishing I'd done a proper job when I tried to kill myself previously. I'm not about to do anything but I am thinking about it lots & am filled with regret that I didn't do it before all this. I have a psychiatrist but am not seeing him til June.
   
   
5. I have a beautiful, clever, bright 7 yr old who I love more than anything. This is all having a big impact on him. He's away atm which is giving us both a bit of a break. I try hard not to let my illnesses impact his life - I do lots with him but he deserves so much better than being stuck with me.
   
   I have lovely family & friends who would help me out if I asked. In fact, they help me whether I ask or not & I am very grateful but I hate, hate, hate being dependent on other people.
   
   

[buildingmycorestrength]

Have pm'd you

[Grockle]

I suppose it's NOT a normal situation. It feels it to me because it's all happened gradually. I feel like a fraud if I say I'm disabled but sometimes it is SO debilitating, I really can do nothing. As soon as I feel well enough to move about, I try to do as much as I can... I know that isn't a good idea but it's the only way to get things done.

I've been ok today - glum & lethargic but nothing much worse. A lovely friend who is a hypnotherapist saw my posts of FB about insomnia & has sent me some CDs to help with my sleep. And she's offered me some hypnotherapy sessions. I've never done it so have no idea what will happen but I might give it a go. I'm so tired, I feel sick.

DS is lovely & helps a lot. When I go to bed in the daytime, he sneaks in every so often to check on me & kisses my head It makes me feel awful that he has to do so much

Mummylin, I see my sister all the time! She lives round the corner so often pops in with a meal she's prepared for us or to drop off some cake or chocolate or to make me a cup of tea. I'm so glad I have her.

Thank you both for your support.

[Grockle]

Building, that is lovely, thank you. I know nothing about it but welcome anything that might make a difference. Thank you for thinking of me.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Glad today is not too bad, mh-wise, and that you have your sis.

I find it helps sometimes to imagine what you would tell a friend (or even a stranger on the internet . ) if they told you what you've just said.

I imagine you, being lovely and a normal kindhearted person, would say...don't do so much. See your doctor. Ask for help. And some other things.

Try reading back through your post as if it is someone else....then take your own advice.

Trust me, it may have snuck up on you, but it isn't a normal situation and you absolutely must not expect yourself to do normal things for a while.

[Grockle]

Thank you, building. I know you are right and I know I would tell someone else to see their GP, demand an appointment with MH team and to take it easy. Easier said than done though, isn't it? Maybe tomorrow I will call the MH team. I just dont know what to say... I don't feel good? That doesn't seem to quite cover it.

And I'm fretting a lot about DP. I shouldn't because he's not with me, he left. But I still worry that he'll hurt himself or something. I'd be ok if I knew he was ok.

And I'm missing my boy. Please remind me of this when I am frustrated by the rudeness & shouting I will receive when I have him back on Friday.

[mummylin2495]

Glad you are having an ok day today. I remember your sis living quite local because that's how we managed to meet for a cuppa ! Glad you have her. As you know I went through a lot with my own sister and she said it helped her such a lot to know she had me. I expect it is the same for you and your sis. How did you sleep last night ? Hope you are managing to get your meals without too much difficulty. Or are you not eating too well at the moment.i hope you get to phone MH team and they can give you some help.i might sound harsh but you must not worry about your DP. You need to worry about yourself first. He has his parents to help him. Xx

[Grockle]

I woke up a few times last night. I'm going to take extra tramadol tonight to see if that knocks me out some more. I know I should but needs must...

I'm not eating properly but am hungry so have eaten crap. I still can't eat hot food & am unable to prepare it anyway so I feed my student & have a cup of tea then eat biscuits

I am going to make an effort to eat properly tomorrow, or at least to not eat junk. I plan to walk the dog to town to buy some nice tea & then stay home, reading etc. We'll see if I can manage. I might get the bus up the hill then walk home!

Yep, I need to detach myself from DP... I know he's not good for me & he's not good for my boy. Why I am still drawn to him, I don't know.

I don't know why I feel brighter today but I do. I am not filled with wanting to die or irresistible urges to do stupid stuff. It's nice to have a day without that taunting me.

[Badvoc]

Sounds positive grockle x

[buildingmycorestrength]

Do you want some easy food inspiration? I utterly utterly utterly hate thinking about food when I'm down so I get it.

Apples.
Cheese on ryvita
Boiled eggs if you can do that. Do 10 and eat through the week
Porridge in the microwave. Add seeds if that pleases you.
Veggie sticks and a pot of hummus
Tin of three bean salad
Banana
Yoghurts.
Cottage cheese
Satsumas
Big crusty loaf of multi grain bread, nice cheese, nice pickle

Do you have a slow cooker? Could you chuck in chicken, onion, carrots, celery and stock? Maybe microwave rice and veggies to go with.

If you like salmon, it is not toooo taxing to wrap it in foil and leave it in the oven for a while, and eat with whatever you want.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Sorry, just realised you can't eat hot food...sorry mate.

[mummylin2495]

Yes I would def get the bus. up the hill will be easier coming down again ! You have a nice shopping area there.my youngest gd works in a hairdressers up there on a Friday or sat. It earns her a bit of money, since you met her she is at college !! I didn't realise that you still had students! How on earth are you coping. Are they long term ones or short ? I will have to bring you some fish and chips when I eventually get over your way,would you eat that !

[Grockle]

Building, I love apples but because my jaw hurts if I chew, I stopped eating them. That might be 1 of the reasons I only eat cereal actually. I love bean salad though so will order some of that. And more yoghurt.

The other suggestions sound great - I need to cook for DS & extraDD so although I don't want to eat, I still have to make something for them. And perhaps I'll be tempted to eat it! Thank you so much.

Mummylin, I agreed to have this student when DP was here - he was meant to help. But he's not & I needed the money so I've kept her. She's 11 and is here til August but since I need to feed DS, I may as well feed another one too. We sometimes have fish & chips - one in town delivers!

[Badvoc]

How about stewed apple and custard/ice cream/cream?
Or fried apple segments in butter and brown sugar?
They go very soft and caramelly :)

[buildingmycorestrength]

Oh Grockle, just saw that you had cleverly already posted on Food before my message. Well done. I never do that but am going to start. Food is a problem for me, I either have a mental blank spot or an over ambitious "I am practically a chef" approach.

[Grockle]

Thank you... I have apple in the freezer so could easily stew it when I can be arsed Feeling very worn out & hopeless again. I wish I could escape it but even if I run away, I can't run away from myself. If I could sleep for a couple of months, I think I'd be ok. Which is why I then start thinking that if I got hit by a bus, I'd be injured enough to have time off work.

[buildingmycorestrength]

I may be way off base but do you find you get worse when you separate from your son? I know I struggle with it, and any kind of separation can send me a bit doolally til I figure it out. I mean, the sort of thoughts you are having, urge to self-harm, etc.

Maybe that's just me!

[Badvoc]

That's the depression talking grockle.
When I had horrific late onset pnd with ds1 I vividly remember fantasising a is driving my car into a wall/tree etc.
I didn't want to die.
I just wanted everything to stop. For there to be no sound, no brightness, no clamour.
I dint know is that's how you feel but I know that lack of sleep and chronic pain can leach all the joy out of life (hugs)

[Badvoc]

Can you buy ready stewed apple?
Yes, I am that lazy :)
Have spent this afternoon cleaning up after the window guy and boiler chap.
I am utterly exhausted. I know it's partially because I didn't sleep well last night and I am also not eating properly (biscuits, chocolate, apples etc) so I am nauseous :(
Supposed to be going to town with my parents tomorrow morning. Might cry off.
Am just so tired.

[Grockle]

Building, I think I am worse when DS isn't around. Partly because he keeps me busy & partly because I just cannot act on anything while he is here. When he's away... I can do whatever I want & that can be scary. I also have more time to think, to plot...

I ate proper food today - yoghurt, pomegranate, cranberry juice, toast chocolate. I've also started getting sort of acidy feeling... before my stomach. Not sure how to describe it but it takes away what little pleasure there is in eating. I am eating indigestion tablets.

I think I've realised I just want to be normal. Normal me. Able to take DS out for a bike ride or swimming or stay up late with him watching a film. Nobody would be a great parent at 95 yet my head & body feel like they are 95. It would be ok if I didn't have all the responsibilities of a 35 year old mother, trying to do 2 jobs whilst battling chronic illnesses.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Course you want to be normal. Of course you do. It is awful that you are so unwell.

Well done eating proper food.

I had an epiphany about my illness the other day. I thought what if I never get better? Wouldn't it be awful to have spent the remainder of my life bitter at what I didn't have rather than grateful for what I did have?

I had thought lots of times (fruitlessly) that I ought to try to be more positive, not worry so much, etc but sometimes it sort of hits you and has force. Doesn't mean I am always positive, of course.

[Grockle]

I know I need to be more positive. I used to be. I think DS being away, DP disappearing, work being difficult, Ofsted & now gynae problems just made it all overwhelming. If I can get my head round some of those issues then I will be much better.

[buildingmycorestrength]

This is a very very hard patch.

[Grockle]

I thought I had DS for all of may half term, but he's going away for a few days. And in the summer, he's meant to be away for all six weeks

[mummylin2495]

Sorry to see this update. But does he have to go for the whole 6 or seven weeks. Can't you negotiate. ?

[FairhairedandFrustrated]

Who tells you he's going away for all 6 wks? Is there no discussion?

I can't understand how you're still holding down a job with such illnesses - you're stronger than you think you are :)