It's all too much (very, very long, sorry)

[Grockle]

Right, I need to type this all out in one place instead of bits here & there on different threads. CBA to name-change. I don't expect anyone to wade through all of this but I need to write it to help me figure it all out. Any advice gratefully received, if anyone manages to wade through...

Basically, I am feeling pretty shit.

1. I am suffering with several chronic illnesses (& am probably now depressed). I don't seem to be able to get myself on an even keel. I am always exhausted & go to bed at 7. I don't sleep well because I shiver all night or am in great pain. I can't warm up - even in a bath hot enough to leave my skin red, I still have goosebumps. I'm too tired to speak, I don't want to see people. I can't focus long enough to read or watch tv. I can't walk more than a few steps without great difficulty. I am not able to go out or to look after myself or DS properly. I don't want a life like this & no-one seems to be able to help.
   
   
2. Because of all that, I am finding work extremely difficult. I am a teacher but am doing pretty craply - I don't do everything I need to and I am not being the best teacher I can be. I'm too tired to work, I can't speak in proper sentences, I cannot manage my basic workload let alone my other responsibilities. SLT are aware but, tbh, as long as I am at work & they don't need to cover me, they don't care. I have had quite a lot of time off & am having an assessment with OH dr because they are concerned about my future.
   
   
3. DP has had yet another breakdown & has gone to stay with his parents. This is the 3rd year he's disappeared for 2-3+ months. We're talking but he's suicidal, I can't do anything because he won't come home but he says he doesn't know why & he's not happy without me I don't know wtf to do. I have contacted his dr & mental health people but I can do more more. I'm just sad: I love him & miss him & am angry, hurt & scared about the future.
   
   
4. I am haunted by previous MH issues... Jimmy Saville stuff has opened up old wounds, DP's depression hasn't helped & I am back to wishing I'd done a proper job when I tried to kill myself previously. I'm not about to do anything but I am thinking about it lots & am filled with regret that I didn't do it before all this. I have a psychiatrist but am not seeing him til June.
   
   
5. I have a beautiful, clever, bright 7 yr old who I love more than anything. This is all having a big impact on him. He's away atm which is giving us both a bit of a break. I try hard not to let my illnesses impact his life - I do lots with him but he deserves so much better than being stuck with me.
   
   I have lovely family & friends who would help me out if I asked. In fact, they help me whether I ask or not & I am very grateful but I hate, hate, hate being dependent on other people.
   
   

[Grockle]

Thank you.

I wish I could sleep properly. This waking up every night is not helpful. And I miss DP. ExP .

[TheSilveryPussycat]

It's so frustrating when you use the last ounce of energy and resolve to call for help - and then don't get it. Hope they ring back tomorrow.

I have just noticed this so I am including it in my post :)

[magso]

Well donefor telling them Grockle, I hope they heard you and can offer you some support soon.

[Grockle]

The MH team called me today to offer me an appointment in August I explained that I had called 3 weeks ago because I was feeling unsafe & scared & that an appointment in August was not helpful. In the end, I told them that it seemed like the only way of getting any help was to seriously hurt myself. They'll call me back tomorrow.

It's so frustrating to be trying to do the right thing but with no help at all, despite begging.

[Grockle]

No, no counsellor. I was referred for counselling but then my referral to the psych took over & I was no longer entitled to counselling. I called MH team on Friday to make an earlier appointment & they said they'd call back but haven't. So not only have they refused to help when I've been suicidal, they won't help me be seen. Why am I bothering fighting when absolutely no-one will help me?

I'm so exhausted. I. can't. do. this. any. more.

[irokurok]

Have you got a counsellor Grockle? I know you have a psych etc, but talking regularly with someone (perhaps about your past issues too) would surely help with the anxiety. You aren't a lost cause, things are unimaginably tough for you now, keep asking for help til you get it xx

[Grockle]

Thank you. I will get to my usual GP after this week & ask for something more from him & also from at least one of my consultants.

I hate feeling scared of myself. I want to feel well. Or at least less anxious & unhappy. I wish someone could have helped me. It's horrible, feeling like a lost cause.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

A tribunal is not like a court. It is 3 people sitting in a room, hearing and reading evidence, honestly it's not nearly as scary as people think. Much better to have a professional with you, like a CAB worker (CAB will always assign a worker for that kind of work, not a volunteer, at least that's how it used to be.

You need to submit any evidence you can get from GP - you are entitled to copies of your medical notes (though might have to pay something towards the copying)

Anyway, no need to worry too much for a few days. The main thing is to level about your entire state of health with a trusted GP.

[Grockle]

Building, I could not go to the tribunal but it sounds like it makes a huge difference being there - more cases are approved when the applicant is present so it makes sense to go. It won't be for 8-10 weeks so not something to worry about yet.

The GP knows nothing of this side of things- I didn't even mention the fibro/ lupus stuff. It's about my bleeding so much and for so long (3 weeks now this time).

I should mention all this, or see my usual one because I'm not coping. But, if the crisis people couldn't help, I don't know who can. I really can't cope with anyone else telling me they can't help & I don't actually know what anyone can do. I just know that I am feeling horribly low & have been for weeks (months?) & am in desperate need of something.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Hi Grockle well done on coming back here and going to CAB and GP. I am sooooo glad the GP is taking this seriously, they sounded a bit useless last time. I don't see how you can lose a tribunal. If you can't face court can you send an advocate? Like your sister or GP? There must surely be provision for people who are too unwell to attend a court appearance for disability if it can get you out of court for murder

[Grockle]

Yes, i went to CAB. Thank you silvery. The man said my application form was amazing & he said if it is all true then they had no grounds to refuse it. So now I feel like I lied. I didn't... I described my bad days (& my better ones). He knew me...I didn't recognise him but I think he must be a grandparent at DS's school who now knows everything about me. I am feeling sick with anxiety about going to tribunal. Last time I was in court was awful & scarred me for life. It made me very ill.

New problems being addressed but GP (not my usual one) was very concerned. Have to go back this week for tests & examination. Will probably be fine but worried me.

I'm not signed off because I was too scared to be alone for all that time every day. I cannot manage work though so I don't know what to do. I feel like I've ended up in an impossible situation & that there is no escape.

[fuzzpig]

Oh no grockle :(

Sorry to hear about the extra health issues, are you getting them treated?

BTW you might feel like you are missing everything but your DS will see that you are there for him.

Are you back at work now or will you get signed off for a bit? xx

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Did you go to the CAB grockle love?

So sorry you are going through this.

[Grockle]

I'm such a mess now.

I can't face life. Everything is so hard. It all hurts. Emotionally & physically. I feel awful. I'm doing everything I need to do - spending time with DS, feeding him, taking him out. But I'm not really there. I'm missing everything. I cry all the time. I'm so very sad.

Last week DP sent me a photo he took the day he asked me to marry him

I now have more health problems on top of all the ones I was struggling with before.

I don't know wtf to do with myself. I'm really scared.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Hey grockle any sleep yet?

[magso]

Yes Fuzzpig it is magnesium in epsom salts that you put in the bath. either way is supposed to help.
CAB is good advice. Hope you are making some progress Grockle. Little steps at a time.

[fuzzpig]

Interesting about magnesium. I've been thinking about trying supplements (I only take a multivitamin with iron).

Isn't it also magnesium salts that you can use in the bath or did I imagine that?

BTW I will be going to the CAB to ask for some help with DLA as apparently they can provide that (as well as accompaniment to tribunals)

[magso]

How are you Grockle. Poor sleep unfortunately seems to go with fatiguing illness and money worry doesn't help either.
The money advice lady ( I think it is a dept of 1 in our county!) is knowledgable on the intricaries of how the benefit systems work and also other grants and charities that can help. She checked ds DLA application form a few years back and offered to help appeal for a higher rate which I did not bother with. I know others (parents of disabled children) who she has helped. I am sure the same service is there for adults.
I have read that taking a magnesium (supplement) in the evening can help relax muscles etc, and have started doing this myself.

[Grockle]

No support... I have students from a local language college. Because they stay for more than 28 days and are so young (10/11), I have to be registered as a foster carer. So, it's business really, rather than fostering. I will ask SW this week as she's visiting.

Why can I not sleep?

[TheSilveryPussycat]

If you are a private foster carer, do you already have support in that field from someone - a voluntary organisation or something?

[Grockle]

Thank you all. It really helps to have sane people give advice... I can't think straight & all my thoughts blend into 1 big mess in my head

I hadn't thought of them advising on other issues, silver. That's a good suggestion. And yes, I'll be honest with my GP. I hate complaining (except on here ) but I agree, he needs to know how bad it is.

I'm So wary of SS which is silly as I have one (am a private foster carer) & work with them often at work. I think I just need to bite the bullet & ask for & accept any kind of help I can get.

I don't know what a money advise team do & a quick google didn't help. I shall investigate tomorrow.

Flapjacks are very welcome, thank you. In fact, my sister popped round this afternoon to deliver some cake. As she left, she said, 'I made flapjacks too' but she didn't bring any to us.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

magso is right - it may be that you are entitled to a social worker to help in co-ordinating the help you need, purely on the state of your physical health (let alone MH)

AIUI you have some help already booked, at least with one of your problems. They will also be able to advise you on a wide range of stuff, eg financial if that is needed (and if you wanted, of course).

Another flapjack maker here, Badvoc :)

[magso]

Oh Grockle I am so sorry you are so unwell and worried. I think there is a system for social sevices to assess the needs of disabled or ill adults and I do not just mean walking aids and gadgets. It was mentioned to me, but I did not manage to get anywhere ( although I did get help from the disabled childrens team as ds is disabled). I really do think that the GP should get things moving for you. The GP should know who to speak to. DLA is supposed to be there to help with the extra costs of disability.
Can you get a home visit from the money advice team put in the diary? It will probably be a wait but just knowing help is on the way should help. They should be able to help you with your appeal. There should be a mental health team the GP can contact for you. Sending a hug. Sorry I cannot just pop around. We need teleports!

[Badvoc]

Your illness does not have to define you!
I am really glad you are seeing your gp tomorrow.
You strike me as the kind if person who goes to the gp and starts off by saying
"Well,it's not that bad, but......"
Would that be fair comment?
You must make them understand how bad you feel all the time and the effect it has not just in you but your dc.
I hesitate to mention this, as I think you are doing a bloody amazing job being so ill, looking after your dc and working too (!!) but maybe your best way to get some help would be to stress the effect it is/could have on your dc?
You are far far from inadequate grockle.
It doesn't matter one jot that you aren't a church goer.
Any church worth the name should be reaching out to people like you...isolated due to illness, age, MH problems etc
If you lived near me I would visit you and force feed you my home made flapjack :)

[Grockle]

I don't know... I'm not a churchgoer. If I feel like this in the morning, I will see my GP & ask about help. I feel so inadequate. How did I become this?