It's all too much (very, very long, sorry)

[Grockle]

Right, I need to type this all out in one place instead of bits here & there on different threads. CBA to name-change. I don't expect anyone to wade through all of this but I need to write it to help me figure it all out. Any advice gratefully received, if anyone manages to wade through...

Basically, I am feeling pretty shit.

1. I am suffering with several chronic illnesses (& am probably now depressed). I don't seem to be able to get myself on an even keel. I am always exhausted & go to bed at 7. I don't sleep well because I shiver all night or am in great pain. I can't warm up - even in a bath hot enough to leave my skin red, I still have goosebumps. I'm too tired to speak, I don't want to see people. I can't focus long enough to read or watch tv. I can't walk more than a few steps without great difficulty. I am not able to go out or to look after myself or DS properly. I don't want a life like this & no-one seems to be able to help.
   
   
2. Because of all that, I am finding work extremely difficult. I am a teacher but am doing pretty craply - I don't do everything I need to and I am not being the best teacher I can be. I'm too tired to work, I can't speak in proper sentences, I cannot manage my basic workload let alone my other responsibilities. SLT are aware but, tbh, as long as I am at work & they don't need to cover me, they don't care. I have had quite a lot of time off & am having an assessment with OH dr because they are concerned about my future.
   
   
3. DP has had yet another breakdown & has gone to stay with his parents. This is the 3rd year he's disappeared for 2-3+ months. We're talking but he's suicidal, I can't do anything because he won't come home but he says he doesn't know why & he's not happy without me I don't know wtf to do. I have contacted his dr & mental health people but I can do more more. I'm just sad: I love him & miss him & am angry, hurt & scared about the future.
   
   
4. I am haunted by previous MH issues... Jimmy Saville stuff has opened up old wounds, DP's depression hasn't helped & I am back to wishing I'd done a proper job when I tried to kill myself previously. I'm not about to do anything but I am thinking about it lots & am filled with regret that I didn't do it before all this. I have a psychiatrist but am not seeing him til June.
   
   
5. I have a beautiful, clever, bright 7 yr old who I love more than anything. This is all having a big impact on him. He's away atm which is giving us both a bit of a break. I try hard not to let my illnesses impact his life - I do lots with him but he deserves so much better than being stuck with me.
   
   I have lovely family & friends who would help me out if I asked. In fact, they help me whether I ask or not & I am very grateful but I hate, hate, hate being dependent on other people.
   
   

[fuzzpig]

Oh no grockle :(

Sorry to hear about the extra health issues, are you getting them treated?

BTW you might feel like you are missing everything but your DS will see that you are there for him.

Are you back at work now or will you get signed off for a bit? xx

[Grockle]

Yes, i went to CAB. Thank you silvery. The man said my application form was amazing & he said if it is all true then they had no grounds to refuse it. So now I feel like I lied. I didn't... I described my bad days (& my better ones). He knew me...I didn't recognise him but I think he must be a grandparent at DS's school who now knows everything about me. I am feeling sick with anxiety about going to tribunal. Last time I was in court was awful & scarred me for life. It made me very ill.

New problems being addressed but GP (not my usual one) was very concerned. Have to go back this week for tests & examination. Will probably be fine but worried me.

I'm not signed off because I was too scared to be alone for all that time every day. I cannot manage work though so I don't know what to do. I feel like I've ended up in an impossible situation & that there is no escape.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Hi Grockle well done on coming back here and going to CAB and GP. I am sooooo glad the GP is taking this seriously, they sounded a bit useless last time. I don't see how you can lose a tribunal. If you can't face court can you send an advocate? Like your sister or GP? There must surely be provision for people who are too unwell to attend a court appearance for disability if it can get you out of court for murder

[Grockle]

Building, I could not go to the tribunal but it sounds like it makes a huge difference being there - more cases are approved when the applicant is present so it makes sense to go. It won't be for 8-10 weeks so not something to worry about yet.

The GP knows nothing of this side of things- I didn't even mention the fibro/ lupus stuff. It's about my bleeding so much and for so long (3 weeks now this time).

I should mention all this, or see my usual one because I'm not coping. But, if the crisis people couldn't help, I don't know who can. I really can't cope with anyone else telling me they can't help & I don't actually know what anyone can do. I just know that I am feeling horribly low & have been for weeks (months?) & am in desperate need of something.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

A tribunal is not like a court. It is 3 people sitting in a room, hearing and reading evidence, honestly it's not nearly as scary as people think. Much better to have a professional with you, like a CAB worker (CAB will always assign a worker for that kind of work, not a volunteer, at least that's how it used to be.

You need to submit any evidence you can get from GP - you are entitled to copies of your medical notes (though might have to pay something towards the copying)

Anyway, no need to worry too much for a few days. The main thing is to level about your entire state of health with a trusted GP.

[Grockle]

Thank you. I will get to my usual GP after this week & ask for something more from him & also from at least one of my consultants.

I hate feeling scared of myself. I want to feel well. Or at least less anxious & unhappy. I wish someone could have helped me. It's horrible, feeling like a lost cause.

[irokurok]

Have you got a counsellor Grockle? I know you have a psych etc, but talking regularly with someone (perhaps about your past issues too) would surely help with the anxiety. You aren't a lost cause, things are unimaginably tough for you now, keep asking for help til you get it xx

[Grockle]

No, no counsellor. I was referred for counselling but then my referral to the psych took over & I was no longer entitled to counselling. I called MH team on Friday to make an earlier appointment & they said they'd call back but haven't. So not only have they refused to help when I've been suicidal, they won't help me be seen. Why am I bothering fighting when absolutely no-one will help me?

I'm so exhausted. I. can't. do. this. any. more.

[Grockle]

The MH team called me today to offer me an appointment in August I explained that I had called 3 weeks ago because I was feeling unsafe & scared & that an appointment in August was not helpful. In the end, I told them that it seemed like the only way of getting any help was to seriously hurt myself. They'll call me back tomorrow.

It's so frustrating to be trying to do the right thing but with no help at all, despite begging.

[magso]

Well donefor telling them Grockle, I hope they heard you and can offer you some support soon.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

It's so frustrating when you use the last ounce of energy and resolve to call for help - and then don't get it. Hope they ring back tomorrow.

I have just noticed this so I am including it in my post :)

[Grockle]

Thank you.

I wish I could sleep properly. This waking up every night is not helpful. And I miss DP. ExP .