It's all too much (very, very long, sorry)

[Grockle]

Right, I need to type this all out in one place instead of bits here & there on different threads. CBA to name-change. I don't expect anyone to wade through all of this but I need to write it to help me figure it all out. Any advice gratefully received, if anyone manages to wade through...

Basically, I am feeling pretty shit.

1. I am suffering with several chronic illnesses (& am probably now depressed). I don't seem to be able to get myself on an even keel. I am always exhausted & go to bed at 7. I don't sleep well because I shiver all night or am in great pain. I can't warm up - even in a bath hot enough to leave my skin red, I still have goosebumps. I'm too tired to speak, I don't want to see people. I can't focus long enough to read or watch tv. I can't walk more than a few steps without great difficulty. I am not able to go out or to look after myself or DS properly. I don't want a life like this & no-one seems to be able to help.
   
   
2. Because of all that, I am finding work extremely difficult. I am a teacher but am doing pretty craply - I don't do everything I need to and I am not being the best teacher I can be. I'm too tired to work, I can't speak in proper sentences, I cannot manage my basic workload let alone my other responsibilities. SLT are aware but, tbh, as long as I am at work & they don't need to cover me, they don't care. I have had quite a lot of time off & am having an assessment with OH dr because they are concerned about my future.
   
   
3. DP has had yet another breakdown & has gone to stay with his parents. This is the 3rd year he's disappeared for 2-3+ months. We're talking but he's suicidal, I can't do anything because he won't come home but he says he doesn't know why & he's not happy without me I don't know wtf to do. I have contacted his dr & mental health people but I can do more more. I'm just sad: I love him & miss him & am angry, hurt & scared about the future.
   
   
4. I am haunted by previous MH issues... Jimmy Saville stuff has opened up old wounds, DP's depression hasn't helped & I am back to wishing I'd done a proper job when I tried to kill myself previously. I'm not about to do anything but I am thinking about it lots & am filled with regret that I didn't do it before all this. I have a psychiatrist but am not seeing him til June.
   
   
5. I have a beautiful, clever, bright 7 yr old who I love more than anything. This is all having a big impact on him. He's away atm which is giving us both a bit of a break. I try hard not to let my illnesses impact his life - I do lots with him but he deserves so much better than being stuck with me.
   
   I have lovely family & friends who would help me out if I asked. In fact, they help me whether I ask or not & I am very grateful but I hate, hate, hate being dependent on other people.
   
   

[Badvoc]

I can relate to that grockle.
I have been tested for some hideous diseases and when they all came back negative I was thrilled obv....but.
It still doesn't help me cope on a day to day basis or decide how to live my life.
I know that may sound a bit silly, but do I try and look for job when ds2 goes to school in sept? Or do I just accept I will never be well enough?':(
How much longer will dh out up wi this? :(
I don't know.
{hugs}

[Grockle]

I honestly don't know, Badvoc. I want to work but I cannot do what I'm doing now & the longer this goes on, the more I think I need a proper break. Months... I don't see how I can recover if I don't have time to rest.

I'd love to work as a TA in a local school - but those jobs are few and far between & I've had so much time off, I won't be employable now. I know I cannot continue teaching as much as I do. The future is scary... quite likely no job, no DLA, a mortgage to pay, a child to support. WTF do I do? The worry is making me sick. I know we shouldn't worry about the what if's but I can't afford to be disabled

As for your DH, I can't say. Hopefully he'll be patient & supportive, unlike my DP who couldn't cope with me being 'more' ill than he was

I'm exhausted again - I've taken DS to the shops & took the dog for a 20 min walk. Now I need to go to bed for the afternoon. And moss out on time with DS. Again.

[Badvoc]

What about private tutoring grockle?
You could even do that in your own home!
ESP if you have sen experience.
I do agree that you need a rest. A long one.
X

[Grockle]

I could but that would be out of school hours. I suppose if DS was busy playing, I could tutor a couple of times a week. I don't know. I guess there are options... I just feel so very exhausted - through my body & in my bones, it's hard to think I could manage anything other than rolling over in bed.

I can't manage to chose what to eat for breakfast (because that means looking at what we have, remembering the options, making a choice then deciding if I need a plate or a bowl, knife or a spoon etc... it's just too hard) let alone make decisions about my job! I wish I'd not taken it for granted when I was a relatively intelligent human being.

[Badvoc]

I know...I know :(
Just thought it might be an option as you could choose to work at your "best" times iyswim?
I have the horror of what to make for tea now!....

[Grockle]

I am grateful for your suggestion though. Everything feels overwhelming now. I menuplan for the month & then order all freezer foods to be delivered. Tonight is stirfry (bag of frozen veg stirfry & noodles + some quorn chucked in) so at least it sounds like a meal, even if all I did was rip open a plastic wrapper. I feel so lazy... but I've noticed that no-one cares...DC don't care about quality of food - they don't know if it's lovely organic veg I've chopped myself or something that Tesco have prepared for me.


I'll come back on our Spoon thread now & stop whining.

[Grockle]

I vowed that today would be a new start...being positive, getting on with it.

I was awake all night feeling feverish - shivering yet sweating. Sheets were soaked. So I made a cup of coffee & had a hot bath but knocked the coffee over & the whole bloody lot flooded the bathroom floor. I had to get out of the bath to mop it up then get back in, even more cold than before. Then I dropped my makeup bag & everything went everywhere then I tried to get the Hoover out but the entire cupboard fell out so I am now sitting on the floor in tears, surrounded by stuff, 3 children upstairs who want to go out & dog whining in my ear because she wants to go out too.

And I'm feeling angry with DP for leaving me like this.

[fuzzpig]

Oh grockle. What a comedy of errors (IYSWIM) I have days like that where every bloody thing goes wrong!

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself (with the 'new start' thing) - tempting as it is to want to be happy straightaway, it isn't, unfortunately, realistic. It just makes you feel worse when you don't live up to your own expectations, IM(extensive)E.

Have you read/heard anything about Mindfulness? We did a bit at the CFS group. It sounded a bit Woo at first but I found it really helpful. It is about recognising and accepting negative feelings, watching as they come and go, rather than battling against them all the time. It is really counterintuitive to me as I've spent most of my life with my mind in overdrive, distracting myself from scary thoughts (to the extent that I have massive concentration issues that interfere with everything, haven't got a hope in hell of driving etc) but having got used to the idea I have to say I'm finding it really useful.

[fuzzpig]

Oh and of course you're angry with knobhead DP!

[fuzzpig]

(You should be - he has wronged you big style. You deserve better)

[Grockle]

Thank you, fuzz. I have done an intensive course of mindfulness stuff & it is really helpful.

I'm just such a mess & I don't know how to get out of this pit I seem to be in. I'm in tears all the time, I can't take Ds to the park, I can't do anything.

How do I pay my mortgage if I can't go to work? How do I get help at home?

[Badvoc]

Grockle...do you have a local church out reach group?
We have one that organises lifts/appt help/shoppings etc
Or could you get the gp to contact the LA wrt home help?
I think our gp needs to know just how much you are struggling :(

[Grockle]

I don't know... I'm not a churchgoer. If I feel like this in the morning, I will see my GP & ask about help. I feel so inadequate. How did I become this?

[Badvoc]

Your illness does not have to define you!
I am really glad you are seeing your gp tomorrow.
You strike me as the kind if person who goes to the gp and starts off by saying
"Well,it's not that bad, but......"
Would that be fair comment?
You must make them understand how bad you feel all the time and the effect it has not just in you but your dc.
I hesitate to mention this, as I think you are doing a bloody amazing job being so ill, looking after your dc and working too (!!) but maybe your best way to get some help would be to stress the effect it is/could have on your dc?
You are far far from inadequate grockle.
It doesn't matter one jot that you aren't a church goer.
Any church worth the name should be reaching out to people like you...isolated due to illness, age, MH problems etc
If you lived near me I would visit you and force feed you my home made flapjack :)

[magso]

Oh Grockle I am so sorry you are so unwell and worried. I think there is a system for social sevices to assess the needs of disabled or ill adults and I do not just mean walking aids and gadgets. It was mentioned to me, but I did not manage to get anywhere ( although I did get help from the disabled childrens team as ds is disabled). I really do think that the GP should get things moving for you. The GP should know who to speak to. DLA is supposed to be there to help with the extra costs of disability.
Can you get a home visit from the money advice team put in the diary? It will probably be a wait but just knowing help is on the way should help. They should be able to help you with your appeal. There should be a mental health team the GP can contact for you. Sending a hug. Sorry I cannot just pop around. We need teleports!

[TheSilveryPussycat]

magso is right - it may be that you are entitled to a social worker to help in co-ordinating the help you need, purely on the state of your physical health (let alone MH)

AIUI you have some help already booked, at least with one of your problems. They will also be able to advise you on a wide range of stuff, eg financial if that is needed (and if you wanted, of course).

Another flapjack maker here, Badvoc :)

[Grockle]

Thank you all. It really helps to have sane people give advice... I can't think straight & all my thoughts blend into 1 big mess in my head

I hadn't thought of them advising on other issues, silver. That's a good suggestion. And yes, I'll be honest with my GP. I hate complaining (except on here ) but I agree, he needs to know how bad it is.

I'm So wary of SS which is silly as I have one (am a private foster carer) & work with them often at work. I think I just need to bite the bullet & ask for & accept any kind of help I can get.

I don't know what a money advise team do & a quick google didn't help. I shall investigate tomorrow.

Flapjacks are very welcome, thank you. In fact, my sister popped round this afternoon to deliver some cake. As she left, she said, 'I made flapjacks too' but she didn't bring any to us.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

If you are a private foster carer, do you already have support in that field from someone - a voluntary organisation or something?

[Grockle]

No support... I have students from a local language college. Because they stay for more than 28 days and are so young (10/11), I have to be registered as a foster carer. So, it's business really, rather than fostering. I will ask SW this week as she's visiting.

Why can I not sleep?

[magso]

How are you Grockle. Poor sleep unfortunately seems to go with fatiguing illness and money worry doesn't help either.
The money advice lady ( I think it is a dept of 1 in our county!) is knowledgable on the intricaries of how the benefit systems work and also other grants and charities that can help. She checked ds DLA application form a few years back and offered to help appeal for a higher rate which I did not bother with. I know others (parents of disabled children) who she has helped. I am sure the same service is there for adults.
I have read that taking a magnesium (supplement) in the evening can help relax muscles etc, and have started doing this myself.

[fuzzpig]

Interesting about magnesium. I've been thinking about trying supplements (I only take a multivitamin with iron).

Isn't it also magnesium salts that you can use in the bath or did I imagine that?

BTW I will be going to the CAB to ask for some help with DLA as apparently they can provide that (as well as accompaniment to tribunals)

[magso]

Yes Fuzzpig it is magnesium in epsom salts that you put in the bath. either way is supposed to help.
CAB is good advice. Hope you are making some progress Grockle. Little steps at a time.

[buildingmycorestrength]

Hey grockle any sleep yet?

[Grockle]

I'm such a mess now.

I can't face life. Everything is so hard. It all hurts. Emotionally & physically. I feel awful. I'm doing everything I need to do - spending time with DS, feeding him, taking him out. But I'm not really there. I'm missing everything. I cry all the time. I'm so very sad.

Last week DP sent me a photo he took the day he asked me to marry him

I now have more health problems on top of all the ones I was struggling with before.

I don't know wtf to do with myself. I'm really scared.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Did you go to the CAB grockle love?

So sorry you are going through this.