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Original poster

Planning - what would you do?

228 replies

funnymum71 · 26/12/2012 16:32

I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.

I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.

OP posts:
lizba · 17/01/2013 22:43

Oh poor you , you're having such a rough time, but you're fighting. The feelings you have are all part of being not well, if you can possibly tell yourself that - you really need someone to help you . Please just reach out, you don't have to do this on your own - can you phone someone?

Fluffydressinggown · 18/01/2013 08:05

Hi funnymum offering support here again. No wise words but you know I am here and I understand.

What about an admission?

snowbanana · 18/01/2013 08:28

You should really get into a hospital. How can you rest if you must resrtain yourself all the time from killing yourself. In hospital you safe and you can just rest.

Original poster
funnymum71 · 18/01/2013 18:26

There are no places in any hospitals in the whole fecking county. Not one. Not a single one.

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audlangsyne · 18/01/2013 19:04

Funnymum, hello.

Have you heard of Maytree I do not know anyone who has been there so can't recommend or not but it looks potentially a very good place.

The website makes clear they are for respite for people who are suicidal:

"Maytree offers a short stay in a safe residential setting where you can talk, reflect and rest - and restore hope. Maytree is a place where you will be heard, respected and accepted, without judgement and in confidence.

Email: [email protected] for free confidential support.

Or Call Us on 020 7263 7070"

Fluffydressinggown · 18/01/2013 22:57

Oh funnymum :( Hang on in there, you can do this! Are you waiting for a bed?

audlangsyne · 19/01/2013 09:13

Good morning. I hope you find one thing to enjoy about today. I will check in tonight.

Original poster
funnymum71 · 19/01/2013 18:38

I'm still really not so good at all. I'm just about getting through the day. I told DH about the 136 and he was both angry and upset that I would do that to the children, but also that he didn't know what's going on. I've been under constant supervision since he found out which is wearing me down. I went out alone to get a cup of tea somewhere quiet and he threatened to call the police if I didn't come back as he was concerned about my mental state.

I missed the visit from the CT this am as we were in the backroom and didn't hear her knocking. I'm due a call this evening, but what can I tell them? The truth, which is that I'm just waiting for Monday so when I have time to myself I can get on with things.

I have taken some diazepam and some extra quetiapine, but as soon as they wear off, the physical symptoms and the spiraling mood and thoughts take over really quickly. I just want to feel safe. I don't feel safe here. I really don't. Everything I say to the CT just sounds trite and forced. I really have had enough.

OP posts:
audlangsyne · 19/01/2013 19:35

I am sorry it is so difficult for you.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy · 19/01/2013 20:52

I'm new to the thread. Have just read it all through and funnymum, I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds horrendous.

I think you really need to be admitted as soon as a bed becomes free in a hospital near enough to you. I am speechless with admiration for how you are enduring, but you need and deserve proper help. Can the CT get you admitted as soon as it is possible? I don't know how these things work.

I have, in a smaller and less overwhelming way, been where you are, and it is horrible. Despite it all, who you are shines through in your posts. You are alive - you have been through some terrible things and you need a chance to recover. But you are alive and that is worth so much.

Thinking of you.

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2013 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fluffydressinggown · 19/01/2013 22:20

Keep talking to the CRS and keep going. You know I am thinking of you and I really really understand how tough it is xx

Original poster
funnymum71 · 19/01/2013 22:36

well I missed the visit from them this morning and then they didn't call this evening like they were meant to. I know I've been told that I need to give them a call if they forget, but what am I meant to say that I've not already said.
Its bloody hard work this MH shite.

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Fluffydressinggown · 19/01/2013 22:57

It is, it is just the gift that keeps on giving.

I think of you often and I hope you can get a bed or feel better soon.

Original poster
funnymum71 · 20/01/2013 15:54

I had a visit this morning and it was very much focussed on why I should be getting out and doing stuff. Doing things during the week to give myself purpose and do things with the family so I actually spend some time with them. This is, of course, excellent advice and what I should be doing and what I KNOW I should be doing.

All I want to do though is hide away in my bedroom and ignore everything. I find myself getting cross with the whole thing even though I know what they're saying is right.

TBH the whole world can go and stuff itself up its own backside.

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audlangsyne · 20/01/2013 18:17

Hi Funnymum,
It must be very hard to keep functioning whilst you are feeling so vulnerable, and it is understandable that you are cross with not being able to take a complete rest.
When I was first struggling with really severe PTSD (I didn't know what it was at that time, just felt crazy and suicidal...), a friend of mine asked me: "What are you going to do, take the rest of your life off?' She meant it in the very best way - I had revealed to her the depths of abuse I had suffered and it was a genuine question. Unfortunately, this is an impossibility...
It is very hard to 'keep going' when it is the last thing you feel like doing and your resources are so low. Good that you are off work though, so at least that demand is gone for now, but children and family are harder work because you can't put on as much of a mask for them perhaps, they see through it.
I have been wondering if you made any progress with the financial issues or if they are not such a worry now? I know you chatted to DH about your section, did you mention the huge pressure you feel under re the money? No offence taken if you don't want to answer.
Is Crisis Team helping with that at least?

audlangsyne · 21/01/2013 18:02

How are you today?

audlangsyne · 21/01/2013 21:10

Sorry not to hear from you tonight. I am off to bed shortly. I will check in again tomorrow night. I really hope you have got through the day.

Original poster
funnymum71 · 22/01/2013 09:23

hi aud, thanks for checking in on me. I had a review meeting with my OH dept at work yesterday so all my energy was put into acting as normal as I could as I'm still terrified of losing my job. The act worked and yesterday didn't feel so awful, but I'm paying for it today.

have someone coming round from the CT later this am, so will see what happens then.

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Fluffydressinggown · 22/01/2013 12:20

Hi funnymum just letting you know I am around and thinking of you :) I hope your appointment goes well this afternoon.

audlangsyne · 22/01/2013 18:31

Hi funnymum. Glad the OH meeting went well, you did well to manage to get to that. I think I read you'd had a longer period off work before, if so, I guess you will know what OH are like and whether or not they will be helpful. When I was off for a while, OH were very helpful - I told them straight about my situation, and used to take in little reports from my counsellor/GP and they really worked with me to help me to (1) stay off for as long as I needed (2) return to work in a phased way. Hope that the CT coming round was OK.

Original poster
funnymum71 · 22/01/2013 18:56

Today started out ok. Got asked for ID when I went to buy cigarettes, which is hilarious considering I'm more than pushing 40 Grin. She must have had really bad eyesight, but it still made me laugh which is no mean feat these days.

My mood seems to really fall as the afternoon wears on. I wonder if it's down to the levels of quetiapine falling, but who knows. I've taken some PRN to get me through the hell that is late afternoon and bedtime with the children. DH is being an arse with DS who is now howling. Sigh.

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Original poster
funnymum71 · 22/01/2013 19:24

Ok, let's look for the positives here. I've got through a day without wanting to die all the time. I've made plans to see a friend tomorrow and on Thurs. I've only had two periods of crippling anxiety and I've only taken 2 lots of PRN. Compared to last week when I wasn't sure if I could make it through a day alive, this is a huge improvement.

I'm very tentative about feeling a bit better as I've been feeling so fecking awful for so long I've lost faith in my own judgement of well-being, but we shall see how it goes.

OP posts:
audlangsyne · 22/01/2013 20:05

It is a huge improvement. Really good you are seeing your friends too! Seeing how it goes seems a good plan.

Original poster
funnymum71 · 23/01/2013 10:48

Couldn't get to sleep last night despite being on enough drugs to knock out a fecking Rhino. Kept waking up during the night. Finally woke up early to the usual random obsessive thoughts and am now working on an 30 min basis to get through until I'm going out to meet my friend. Can't face eating anything, fuck all concentration. Damn it, damn it, damn it Angry.

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