Apols in advance as this is a post of epic proportions. You have been warned.
and 
for all.
I really don't know where I'm at today. Mood swing like you wouldn't believe. I never quite know how to handle myself when I get like this.
Morning worked out OK - My Care-co turned up for an unexpected visit, well she expected it, but I didn't. It didn't matter though as I was picking up as the day wore on and she mentioned that I was looking brighter and you know what, I was feeling brighter too. In control of obsessive thoughts - they were there, but had no impulses to act on them, so that was a good thing.
I managed to eat some lunch and headed off to meet up with my friend. She couldn't make it, but it was a support group, so lots of other people to chat to which was fine. Told folk about how I was beginning to start feeling better and how much nicer it was to be able to get through a day without freezing my arse off at the station or wherever. They were genuinely pleased for me and it was lovely that they gave a shit. I like these people. They're kind and interesting and friendly and I enjoy spending time with them.
So it should have been OK, right? I'd done everything right. I'd cycled to the group (exercise) had actually got out of the house (filling my time sensibly and meeting small targets) and talked to people who know where I am coming from. All good, right?
So why the fuck did my mood plummet half way through the meeting? Obsessive suicidal thoughts started to take over and it all started to get a bit much. I started to work out in my head that if I left then I could get home, park up my bike and get back to the bridge in time to jump off it before DH and the DCs got home. All of the good feeling that I'd been having just went. Disappeared; Gone. It wasn't even like I just started to feel a bit crappy and wanted to go home for some downtime, it was like I was either really, really good or back down to the bottom of the pit with no warning or breaks to it whatsoever.
So that?s what I did. I wished them all well, made up that I had to get home as I was expecting someone, cycled home, parked up my bike and froze my arse off walking back to the same fucking bridge and going and standing on it. My rationale? I can?t go to the station as they will recognise me and call the police again. That is NOT a good reason for going to a bridge. A good reason is ?I don?t want to fucking well die today thank you very much.?
I made it across the bridge. Got to the other side and went and sat on a bench for about 20 minutes shaking as of course now I was over the other side and hadn?t jumped once, if I wanted to get home, I was going to have to go back over said fucking bridge or do a massive detour that would STILL have me passing it again on the other side. Couldn?t walk into town and catch a bus home and therefore drive past the bridge as when you are planning to kill yourself, you don?t always think to take your purse with you. ARGH.
So I?ve gone from feeling pretty good in the morning and wondering why on earth I would act on such stupid thoughts, to having my mood down as far as it could possibly go and acting on the thoughts, resulting in my sitting on a bench in the freezing fucking cold as it was sleeting wondering how I can get back across a bridge that I?ve managed not to jump off once, but need to face again. So I called the CT again and talked to them while crossing said bridge to get home. .
So by the time DH got home I was a little ropey to say the least. So what I didn?t need to hear is that he has to decide by 31st Jan whether he?s going to take voluntary severance or not. They?ll be making 40 people redundant after the 31st and from what he says he?s top of the list to go. Going voluntarily means he gets 2k instead of 1k. Seriously - that?s all he?s going to get. He?s seriously thinking about taking it as he?s so sure he?s going to get the push. Now all of that would be OK if I was working, as while it would be tight, my wage would be able to cover everything and we would survive. Except I?m not working at the moment and I?m on half pay and half pay isn?t enough to even pay the fixed out goings every month without his wage coming in.
So I?ve gone from acting on a suicidal impulse, getting myself home, trying to act as normal as I can for the children before I fuck them up even more than I know I am doing and suddenly I?m landed with the fact that whether I am well or not, I am going to have to get back into work after this 4 week period or we?ll be utterly fucked financially.
I don?t cry often. I get depressed, but I don?t cry and I hate crying in front of people and am usually good at holding it in, although it may not be a good thing. However, after that conversation I did actually go and lock myself in the upstairs loo while DH played with the DCs downstairs and I howled as I have no sodding idea whether I will be well enough to go back or not and I?m going to have to if we want to get by. I am so used to being the person who supports this family and finding myself for the first time ever in the situation where I don?t know if I can provide that financial support is hard enough, but losing the only other source of income has just knocked me out completely.
I want to get well. I want to get more than two days in a row where I don?t go and do something really, really fucking stupid. I really, really hope that in the next 3 weeks I can do that, but what if I can?t? I?m back to feeling utterly exhausted at the whole thing. I?ve hardly spoken to DH all evening. He?s tried to come and talk to me and sit with me and engage with me and I?ve just cut him dead as it?s the only way I know how not to completely fall to pieces again.
Sorry that this has turned into an epic, but I had to get it down somewhere and here will just have to do. I just want to sign out of all of this. I?ve had enough. In some ways feeling better and positive just makes it worse when it all comes crashing down again.
Argh indeed. I suppose on the bright side, all of the walking is keeping me fit. 