Planning - what would you do?

[funnymum71]

I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.

I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.

Never apologise for your humour TSC. I was about to write I'd have to turn up to the station in disguise in case they carted me off again. I can certainly tell you that its a brisk, but quite picturesque trip between there and my house.

I'd love to see you. PM or summat and we can talk.

How have you been going today, funnymum? Been thinking of you, great you have friend above due to visit.

I'm ok. I've had quite a bit of PRN tonight to try and head off going downhill. Today has been a very busy day and I've just about reached my limit. Money worries, kids tired and tiring DH full of cold, miserable and stressed.

Some good is that I've been more in control of the obtrusive thoughts, but they've been getting worse and worse as the day has worn on, hence the PRN and an attempt to manage it better.

I'm getting a little concerned that I'm sleeping so badly. It was nearly 3am before I finally got off last night and I struggled to wake up in the morning, but have been quite wired since. Going from depressed to manic is the last thing I need right now, especially since we're broke without my wage coming in and I have a habit of doing stupid things with my credit card when high. I may give it to DH to look after if it looks like I'm going that way.

Have you tried lithium? That was the only one which helped me a little, when I was very ill.

I'm on quetiapine and lamotrigine, which were working ok right up until I stopped taking them. I'm not too keen on the idea of changing them at the moment, but who knows.
I just need to get back to work. I'm already stressed about money and I've not even had the worst month yet.
Everything is so fraught here this morning. If I could from the world I would.

Let's look at positives though. The PRN is actually working now, which it wasn't a couple of weeks ago. Little steps. Next target would be to get through a day without needing any at all.

Hi funnymum, family life can be very stressful let alone with no sleep, financial pressures and being ill. Take it as easy as you can, take the medication depending on how you feel and if possible relax as much as you can whilst you are off work. I am not very good at relaxing myself but there are a few things I do to relax, have to remind myself to do them. It does help. Will check in tomorrow night.

I'm a bit frustrated with DH. I reminded him again to talk to his boss tomorrow to find out whether he's likely to lose his job after the 31st. He's now telling me that there'll be no difference in payout whether he's voluntary or not - so what is the choice then? If it makes no difference then why consider voluntary at all? It's this kind of thing that makes me so bloody frustrated. What was the point of coming home on Wed all worry and stress about whether to take voluntary if it makes no sodding difference. GAH.

Aside from that frustration I need to start taking proper care of myself. I've not been doing as I didn't see the point - if I was going to die then it really didn't matter. I've deliberately not gone to places where I wouldn't be able to harm myself as I didn't want anything to stand in my way.

I know that the drugs are starting to work as while I have times during the day where everything seems desperate, the balance is tipping towards feeling OK rather than feeling awful most of the time. The awful feelings are still very powerful when they happen though and I find them hard to get through still.

What is making it hard is that the flips between the two are so quick, so absolute and so random that I am in a position where I have no idea how I will feel from one moment to the next. The PRN is helping - I am still taking some of the quetiapine in the morning when I get up to stop things before they start. Its not all smooth. I can feel the anxiety bubbling along beneath the surface. As soon as anything goes even slightly wrong then I can't deal with it.

I still have the horrible equation where going back to work could see me relapse if I am back before I'm well enough, but as soon as the thought of not having enough money to pay the mortgage and bills passes through my head, I can feel my chest tightening and my heart beating and feel queasy.

I still need to fill in my fucking DLA forms. I have no sodding idea what to write on them.

Its still better than where I was last week and certainly the week before that. I've even booked train tickets for a do at the end of the month. I'd not bought them until now as I didn't know if I would need them. My target now is to be well enough to use them.

Hurrah! You sound so much better than you did last week, great news . Keep posting

I am pleased things seem more positive, long may it continue.

It does sound scary that the awful feelings are still very powerful when they happen and you can flip into them very quickly - I can relate to that with my PTSD flashbacks.

The financial pressures seem to be there too, still, making you feel panicky. Did you get a chance to make a CAB appointment?

Also it is well worth filling out the DLA forms. They are not concerned with diagnosis as much as how you are affected by your problems, keep a diary (or use this thread) to put down how you are really impacted. Such as, you cannot go out for walks on X no of days for fear of being tempted to kill yourself, etc. Just be aware that, I think, they can link up with social services if there are any concerns about care of your children, but your crisis team would do that anyway I would think.

I hope today has been OK for you.

The DLA forms are today's nemesis.

I was talking to DH about it all yesterday. He said he'd noticed that I wasn't so down all the time, but I'm still down most of time and the mood swings are very quick and severe as I've had a couple of really high moments that unsettled him as well as I then crashed down. He also said the children notice it as they never know which mummy they've going to get. That must be really unsettling for them. That worries me.

It's easy to think, "well I'm not going to the station and I've not walked to the bridge since last Thurs, I can crack jokes and make plans so I'm all ok now", but I'm not as it's taking monumental effort and PRN to keep it this way. The difference is that effort and PRN are working whereas before they weren't.

It's nice not to spend every waking moment thinking about or planning your own death, but the thoughts are still there and I'm feeling bloody fragile. God help anyone who tips that balance.

Good that you are not down all the time :). Maybe your moods are trying to settle down or you are entering mixed state/rapid cycling. Maybe having a chat and getting some other mood stabilizer. For my previous mixed state only lithium worked a little. They are hard to treat.

What is PRN?

Hello, really good that you could talk to DH about it all. I know that when I was particularly ill, I was very worried about the impact on my DCs as DCs do pick up on everything, even if you try to hide it. I am sure that any consistency you can bring to them, for example, if you always give them a hug before bed, whatever they've done or whatever you feel, or always have half an hour story time/whatever they like each day, that will help them to feel that there is some stability in their relationship with you.

You are bound to be feeling extremely precarious and fragile still, both as your worries (financial, illness) haven't gone away and because it was so recently that you were feeling suicidal nearly all the time. Take it easy and:

Don't let anyone tip that balance! The power is yours. You deserve to feel better. Anyone who tips the balance inadvertently or on purpose; ignore them or cut them out! I know it sounds drastic but you need to protect your fragile psyche.

Well. If I wanted an indication of how unwell I've been recently, this is it.

I've just gone into my wardrobe to get some trousers to wear today and have come across a pair of brand new jeans that I don't remember buying. I definitely bought them as after a search of empty carrier bags in my bedroom, I've found the receipt and apparently I bought them two weeks ago. I have ab-so-lute-ly no recollection of this at all.

They are not a colour / style I would normally buy and the fit is awful - I've had to dig out a belt so they don't fall down. But there they are. I'm wearing them now as since I bought them I ought to get some use out of them at least.

Now in the grand scheme of things that have happened over the last few weeks, this isn't a biggie. After all, I've spent a large part of it wanting to throw myself under a train, but forgetting about buying things is an interesting twist. I wonder what else is going to turn up.

Spring - PRN is stuff you can take on top of your normal meds. Its from some latin term so beloved by the medical profession. At the moment I have extra quetiapine and diazepam to see me through the day.

Thanks FeeFiFoMum - the children are a worry. This is the second time in very recent history that they've had to deal with me being unwell. I have quite a lot of guilt floating around about it. I'll have to make it up to them and try to stay well.

That's very funny about the trousers, could have been a grand piano! So glad that you're sounding stronger and just saying how you feel out loud to someone I think lessens its power

I've just cycled into town and back and handed them into a charity shop. They were too horrible for me to keep and I don't need reminding that I buy vile things when out of it.

Last time I was hypomanic (or "well" as I thought about it then) I bought a load of v short skirts and brightly coloured blouses. I remember some raised eyebrows at work when I turned up in the skirts, but at the time I thought it was because I looked amazing. Hindsight tells me otherwise. They wound up in a charity shop as well.

If I find myself going the other way I'm going to hand my credit card over to my DH and stick a note in my purse saying "You are a middle aged and overweight. Anything above the knee is a bad idea."

That aside I'm not feeling so great this afternoon. Very shaky. Absolutely full of energy. I thought the ride into town would help, but it hasn't. I am going to take some PRN as high energy / dodgy mood is not a good thing.

Well this has been a very interesting afternoon. First off I've been discharged from the CT as I'm no longer in crisis, which is bloody brilliant.

After the CT left and I was having a chat with my care-co, it was like a wave of realisation hit me. I've spent pretty much the whole of last month being suicidal and depressed and I knew that I wasn't well, but it?s been with complete detachment and what turns out to be a serious lack of self-awareness. Its hit me like a hammer this afternoon and evening.

I've been distant and unfair to my children and what is worse I was so fixated on killing myself that I couldn't even consider what it may do to them. I had people telling me, but just wasn't getting it. Tonight, I am getting it. I could have left them motherless. It would have fucked them up, seriously. These are my babies and I was prepared to do that to them and it turns out that when you suddenly get your emotions back that it?s one of the most upsetting things that you can think about. I am working my way through the tissues tonight.

It?s the pure selfishness of it all. It seemed perfectly reasonable to do that to my family. I?ve worried them, I?ve worried my friends and behaved in some pretty outrageous ways, all the while thinking it was perfectly reasonable. Not remembering buying jeans is the least of it.

I was detained, twice, by the police at the train station. Regular train travel is part and parcel of where I work and it?s quite possible that I could have / will have been seen by colleagues, but that?s not the worst of it, as I was actually at a fucking train station considering jumping under a fucking train. What was I thinking? How on earth did I miss how wrong that was? I had someone from the crisis team talk to me about it last week, I think, and my reaction then was ?meh it happened?. I am not feeling meh right now. I can?t get my head around what on earth I was doing.

Endless trips to and from the station and the railway bridge in the freezing cold, all seemed reasonable, logical even. I just needed the right moment to finish it. I took a load of my meds and then made myself sick and then berated myself for being a coward. I?ve don?t nothing but obsess about death to the extent that I?ve ignored my family and blocked out my friends and been incredibly unfair on my children. My DD has been upset and has been clingy with other family while keeping away from me and I?ve not cared. Now I?m caring oh yes tonight I am caring.

As I?m writing this I wonder if it looks self-obsessed, but believe me I am not thinking about how dreadful it is that I feel bad tonight, I am just thinking about how bad I?ve made other people feel. I like to think that I?m a decent person who takes the feelings of others into consideration, but I have spent the last month doing exactly the opposite of that. I have talked to DH tonight and he said that it didn?t matter as I?d just been ill and my getting better was all that mattered which is incredibly kind as I?ve shown him no such consideration in all the time this has been going on.

I have genuinely thought I?ve been acting logically and rationally and what people were saying was just because they didn?t get it. I have not been rational and logical. Oh bloody hell.

I?ve been back and read through the letters I wrote to DH and the kids and my parents and they are not the sensible and clear documents that I thought they were. They are selfish and hurtful. I was tempted to delete them, but I think I?m going to keep them and read them every fucking time that I am stupid enough to contemplate stopping taking my meds. I will bloody well read this thread as well.

I have made some other stupid decisions. I thought I was well enough to go into work when I blatantly wasn?t. I was leaving my desk and calling the crisis team; chairing a meeting and then walking to the station and in complete denial that I was too ill to work. I could have lost my job if I hadn?t finally taken the time off as I would have ended up doing something even more stupid.

I have made some pretty dumb financial decisions as well. Oh dear. I?ve put all my savings into the kids trust funds just when I need the money to live on as I?m on half pay. I can?t access it, but hey! It didn?t matter did it as I wasn?t going to be around? Fuckity fuck, but money is the least of my worries now.

Sorry this is just more self-obsessed wittering, but I haven?t felt anything other than my own misery and obsession with dying for quite some time and suddenly getting my emotions back and realising what I?ve done to other people has taken my breath away and getting it down somewhere is the only thing I can do tonight to try and stop it feeling so bad that I?ve hurt my family and exactly how much worse it could have been.

The positives for what they are ? and believe me at the moment it?s hard to see any ? is that I know that I?m not going to kill myself as I couldn?t do that to my children and to my family. I now have the motivation to do all of the things that I need to do to get better, where before I just didn?t see the point. The point isn?t to do it for me, it?s to do it for them so my DD isn?t scared of coming to me in case I am mean to her and my DS doesn?t get as stressed as he has been and so my DH isn?t left with two children and no mother.

I don?t think I have emotionally felt this bad and upset in a very long time and I need to remember how this feels so I don?t ever, ever get this fucking ill ever again.

Take your prescribed meds, people, or you could end up acting like a selfish, self-obsessed cunt. Fact.

Wow. You really are recovering! Congratulations! :)

It is difficult to think logically when you are ill.

Hello Funnymum,

You sound very much stronger here. I have to say, though, I think you are judging yourself much too harshly when you say you were acting "like a selfish, self-obsessed cunt". You were suffering great pain and therefore it did seem logical to you to end it all, hopefully you can have compassion for that part of you (as your DH seemingly does).

I'm really glad you have regained your sense of being in control and good news you don't need the CT now. Hopefully if you decide now not to kill yourself, you will never do it, even if you suffer such mental torment again.

I'll check in over the next week or so just to see how you're doing if you care to post.

I'm not feeling so great today. Couldn't sleep last much with all of that stuff going on in my head, so couldn't wake up this morning either. I need someone to talk to about everything that's happened over the last month, but don't have access to anyone to do that now.

The thoughts of self harm are still there even though I wouldn't act on them, but they're now bundled together with some really uncomfortable feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment. It's a really edgy and anxious place to be. While I'm pleased that I'm not in crisis anymore, this is a time when I really could do with some support.

I'm running short of PRN but need to see a completely different psych to the one I've been seeing since Dec as they're only attached to the CT. The psych I'll see now I've only meet one before and that was when I was really up so don't know them at all and don't even know when I may be able to see him.

You know in cartoons when someone is running and they run off a cliff, but they don't realise straight away and run on thin air before dropping to the ground? That's how I feel right now. I've been running so hard and just when I need some ground underneath me it's not there.