In one word? Shit.
Yesterday I was eminently sensible. I took all the prescribed diazepam and a good chunk of the quetiapine and actually had a reasonable day. I made it through work and actually did some worthwhile stuff and made it home safely. When I got home, I took some more of the quetiapine and had a nice relaxed evening where I managed to do bath and bed with the children and then chill out for a bit before going to bed myself. The evening meds aren?t knocking me out like they used to, so it was quite late when I finally got to sleep, but there were no major disasters and I didn?t spend the whole day wanting to end it all. Hooray.
Today went a bit tits up. Started out OK, got up, called my GP and got an appt to go and pick up my week note and cancel the month note. Cycled into work, handed over to boss and them mooched into town. Was feeling just fine so didn't take anything other than my usual morning lamotrigine. Went to a support group, which was lovely, but my mood started going down and by the end of it I was considering cycling to the station instead of cycling home. I did OK in that I cycled home and took some diazepam, but it was too late and all I could think about was jumping under sodding trains again. I then got my coat on and walked about a mile in the sodding freezing cold and then spent about an hour freezing my arse off on the platform building up the courage to jump. First train, second train, third train. Finally gave up, left and came home.
I am a mess this evening. DD demanded that DH read her stories as I was grumpy with her and didn't care as all I wanted to do was lie on the bed and do nothing. Looked at MN, couldn't concentrate on MN. Looked on FB, couldn't concentrate on FB. Game on my phone - couldn't concentrate, practical stuff, couldn't concentrate. I spent about 20 or so mins just walking back and forward as it was just about the only thing I was capable of doing. I've taken more quetiapine now which seems to have leveled things out a bit, so I can write this, but my insides still feel completely screwed up and all I can think about is how I wish I'd had the courage to bloody well jump and just finish this off as I've had enough now.
I've had enough. Seriously enough. DH was all "oh well done on getting to work", Well I didn't get to work today. "oh". and told him that this month - when they deduct the sick days I last month, and feb - when they deduct all of my sick days this month, are going to be really hard months to get through financially. Oh he says, take them as holiday - well I took most of my holiday off as bloody phased return. Oh well you can go back in. No I can't. I can't go back in when my performance is shit as I am either dosed up or obsessing about death. All of his "oh well you just need to do what you need to do to get better" seems to miss the fact that this is costing us a lot financially, but then again if you're not the one who has to deal with all of that shit, you don't really think about it. half my wage is less than what goes out of my account by standing order each month to pay the mortage and bills.
And I do wonder, I really do wonder what will happen if I get to the station again. I don't know whether to be scared at the thought of it or just relieved.
Sorry for the brain dump. You may get the impression that I am not in a good place tonight. You'd be right. I feel fucking awful and I don't know what to do about it any more.