Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

[CarlyWhiteDuo]

Elderly mum is 83, her husband (my step dad) has dementia and has been in a care home for just over two years. My husband and I have mum over every Sunday lunch and then every other Saturday we go out for something to eat together. She doesn’t really have any friends as such, apart from a few neighbours who she chats with and occasionally they go for a coffee.

I’ve just come off the phone with her tonight and she was very low in herself, saying she feels lonely and has nothing to do. I’ve tried suggesting a few things to join/attend, but she’s not interested, citing various reasons.
I’m at a loss at what else to say. She’s not really a ‘club’ sort of person, fair enough, but I can’t get her friends. I work four full days a week and enjoy the bit of time off to myself, am I being fair or should I do more? I’ve no other family except my husband around.

Yes i think you do loads does she visit her husband at all? I guess she is entitled to her feelings but she isn't going to do much about it, my mum is the same tbh you can't force them to do things,. There is a coffee morning run once a week and it is literally at the bottom of her street, and my mum would rather sit in the house than go.

Does she have interests in the home? Hobbies like knitting, puzzles reading, tv shows?

You could say why dont you see if "Margaret" is free for a coffee today? But i get it she will be set in her ways and stuck in a loop of saying she is lonely during the week.

Yes she does, every 3-4 weeks. My step dad can no longer talk and often when we turn up he’s fast asleep.

She enjoys reading and the TV but says she can’t do either of them in the day! Hates knitting and says puzzles are boring!

I’ve tried to suggest she makes the first move, but unfortunately it falls on deaf ears!

You do a lot in the time you have, she might not be asking anymore from you just expressing how she feels without wanting a solution but to get it off her chest. Age uk if still called that do a companionship service.

It is frustrating isn’t it. We had an OT do an assessment. While looking at adaptations she covered loneliness. Mum said she was lonely but then rejected every suggestion. Even now in her care home she does not want to go in the day room for the activities - she complains that the other residents are old. She would never wear her hearing aids because she says they didn’t work. I suspect a hearing loss reduces her ability to participate. You can only do as much as our parents will accept. It sounds as if you are doing a lot of.

Unlike most people, I actually really like the elderly so, on that basis, I’d say no you’re not doing enough.

From your post I’m reading that you don’t want to give her any more of your time, which I find pretty sad for her.

My mum’s 82 and we never got on great (in fact I resented her a whole heap for a very long time) but I’d put in a lot of effort if she was unhappy or unwell.

You do loads op. Blimey, you also work, and are entitled to some time to yourself! Your DH is a saint for putting up with it. She needs to find her own entertainment, you can’t do everything. Is she actually looking for you to ‘solve’ anything though, or is she maybe just looking for you to listen and chat, and is happy enough with that.

DH is a saint for ‘putting up’ with family life? What an odd view.

OP there is no right or wrong with time spent with your mum. If her practical needs are all in hand and you see her 1-2 times a week and she’s relatively independent it sounds like you are being a good daughter!

Ok

Thanks. Yes, I can’t do everything, I agree.

If anything pops us, we do go over to get stuff sorted so it’s not like she’s on her own with it. Thanks.

Could you mix up the routine a bit to give some variety? Eg cinema one evening instead of Sunday lunch? Countryside drive and a pub lunch one Saturday?

She doesn’t do cinemas and we already do different things when we get together.

So what do you do now. As you say you would only put effort if your mum was lonely, which reads you don’t actually do much. Apart from trying to shame someone doing a lot for their mum.

youre doing lots for her. i totally and utterly disagree with the poster that said youre not doing enough.

your mum is reaping what she sowed, she didn't keep up friendships or put in the effort to do things together with those people. or join clubs or associations or even the church lunch club or whatever is in your area for seniors. this was her decision.
this is the result. she is lonely and it’s her choice.

you cannot make up for her choices causing loneliness.

you are already doing a lot to help her. you cannot sacrifice all your free time to look after someone else. youll end up resenting them. they will grind you down. we are all entitled to freedom to choose our own life.

the MN cockroach cafe thread has good advice

OP to answer your question I think you are doing enough

Has she discovered U3A?

They have lots of things on…

What about a volunteer befriender? Have a look at Age Connects. My sister does it and really enjoys it

Could you pop in once or twice during the week after work for a coffee? It need only be for an hour, but would break the day up for her

We looked through it but she felt there was nothing she was interested in.

I travel with my job so my hours are generally late finishes.

This was something I looked at but she said she couldn’t see the point!