Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

[CarlyWhiteDuo]

Elderly mum is 83, her husband (my step dad) has dementia and has been in a care home for just over two years. My husband and I have mum over every Sunday lunch and then every other Saturday we go out for something to eat together. She doesn’t really have any friends as such, apart from a few neighbours who she chats with and occasionally they go for a coffee.

I’ve just come off the phone with her tonight and she was very low in herself, saying she feels lonely and has nothing to do. I’ve tried suggesting a few things to join/attend, but she’s not interested, citing various reasons.
I’m at a loss at what else to say. She’s not really a ‘club’ sort of person, fair enough, but I can’t get her friends. I work four full days a week and enjoy the bit of time off to myself, am I being fair or should I do more? I’ve no other family except my husband around.

That's fab that you would put in the time etc even though you didn't get on with your mum - because 'you like old people'.

The OP has not said she doesn't get on with her mum and in fact sees her every single week - sometimes twice a week. She is working 4 days of the week .

How much more do you think she should be doing??

Are you an only child? We have a WhatsApp group so Mum can always get a response. The days I have no bandwidth in termtime are predictable as it is due to commitments with my kids, so a sibling makes sure to have a long phone call.
Other families I know do a long call to parents on the commute (driving!) or when walking the dog (late, without kids).

I'd focus on the hearing aid, as I think the rest will follow from that. I'd get someone she listens to (your DH?) to frame it as a courtesy to you. Then she will be able to participate in conversations (and possibly volunteering, u3a and choirs - but they are all hard if you can't hear!)

I think this is a bit harsh. The husband has advanced dementia, cannot speak and is asleep most of the time. When he’s awake it’s highly unlikely he recognises his wife. If daily visits were a comfort to your grandfather and mum then that’s fine, but it’s not really for the benefit of the person in the nursing home at that stage.

I empathise and sympathise with you OP. By the sounds of it, you've exhausted most avenues and given plenty of options for her. But, as others have said, her problem isn't one that you have a responsibility to fix. My DM is the same; always looks to me for entertainment in her life rather than find her own. She's always been the same; never had an opinion of her own, never made a decision on her own, never maintained friendships (without being bitchy behind their backs 🙄)

In answer to your question, yes you are doing enough even if your DM is guilting you into feeling that you're not.

I think it's one of those situations where whatever you do, it's never going to be enough.
I like the suggestion above that you throw it back when she complains about being lonely, and ask your mum what she's going to do, she needs to meet you half way. My parents relied entirely on each other to the exclusion of all other (including me and my brother, despite us inviting them to various things many times), so when mum died last year, my dad was lost and expected us to step in to entertain him. We did not.

I organised this for my “elderly” - they rang, said she had a lovely chat, really enjoyed it. Next week when they rang again she said not to bother, she didn’t need to chat to people she had me. Arrrgh!
Old peoples clubs were dismissed because they were full of old people, (she was early 90’s at the time…) I think sometimes you just have to let them get on with it, you can lead a horse to water and all that.
She did eventually have home help type carers and enjoyed their company, and grumbling about them to me! Could you get a carer in in the guise of a cleaner or similar OP? Just so she’s got someone else there regularly?

I think that you're doing what you can in regards to your mother. Your working 4 days a week and calling to see twice a week. She has told you that she is lonely.
Is there a local daycare centre that beings old people together for various activities, a chat with other people and meals/tea when they are there?

My feeling is that over the years your mother may never had many friends and was not keen on going places or doing things. Now she's in her current situation. Tell her that with work you can't call around more but then give her a list of things she could get involved with outside her home.
She needs to leave her house and meet new people because this will help her with her loneliness. It will give her something to do and she can look forward to this.

Your doing what you can but she has to be willing to help herself now.

With my FILcwho I posted about below I think it helped it was framed as The friendship club’ - not elderly day care centre - and as it’s only 2 hours a time doesn’t feel like a day centre - a lot of old people know full well they are old , but really don’t want to be classified as such -

The trouble is that even though OP might be reassured that she is doing enough, the fact remains that her mother is on her own for the working week

OP states that she travels every day… but on days that she finishes work at a reasonable time, could she not pop in one day during the week for a coffee? This might be all it takes to make her mother less lonely

If the OP’s mother were a teenager with social anxiety, I suspect the responses here would be different

I disagree, a relative's presence edges the service closer towards tip top care. Staff will.go the extra mile if the family are involved.

Yes indeed , there's a day centre near me - a friend works there - and they do a whole variety of things. Art sessions, lunch get together, coffee groups .

@Breakfastinthesunshine that sounds ideal however from experience ’popping in’ can turn into staying for hours meaning your own family life changes. I speak from experience of having a hospitalised DF and a lonely mother who expected me to become her PA/cleaner/cook/shopper. And for all I did she criticised everything and demanded more and more of me.

It broke me.

Op you can do no more. Ignore the nasty replies. Mine is negative so nobody really enjoys her company. I call Saturday sister does mid week. She did go away with ladies club but that got negative feedback as wants her hand held) Ive decided I can do no more she will never be happy anyway. 80s

Says she not into chair yoga. Wont spend money lol. I said it would get you out... no

Assuming she has no disabilities, you can't help her if she can't help herself.
If she isn't a social person then she will find herself alone a lot. Even social people do, as their friends die off.
She's old, not incapable. A bit of hard talking might do her good.

You can't help people who won't help themselves. We had this with MIL, she had loads of interests and friends in the area, but she refused to take any responsibility for keeping herself amused, every suggestion we made she rebuffed, every invitation she received from friends she refused.

Super ideas all. What do you do when you have suggested every last one of these and more, begged pleaded and cajoled them to get a hearing aid, researched the best local cleaning service, when you have no siblings, and they have no other family or friends that they engage with.
What then?
I visit most weeks and feel guilty I don't do more sometimes. And resentful that I feel guilty.

She’s just very lonely. Being at home on your own 24/7 is isolating and boring.

You’re doing what you can. Would she consider retirement village/ assisted living nearby? Care homes are really good at - providing things to do and people to talk to.

Befriending services are great but it would still likely be only once a week.

You can't help someone (of any age) who won't help themself.

Yes you can. When people get old they stop being able to help themselves.

So you see her every weekend and every other twice with lunch sat and sun

and then work during the week

maybe you can split her week up and see her a wee or Thur evening sometimes - pop in for a cuppa
but I get it’s not always possible

@CarlyWhiteDuo yrs you are absolutely doing enough. Everything you suggest is not suitable, the only person who can change things is your mum and she clearly is not going to.

All you can do is bat things back to her, “I havent seen anyone” “why dont you try the lunch club/chair yoga/bingo” etc ad infinitum. Sounds like she might be someone who is only happy if she has something to moan about.

You cannot sacrifice your self and your family life to try and appease her.

Eh? So I force my 80yo DM to do something she doesn't want to? I can't grab her by the neck and make her go for a hearing test. Or suddenly want to be more sociable and have other people in her life.
Yes I can order her online shopping or do the cleaning myself, but it's hard when you're the only support in someone's life.

You really like the elderly? All of them, even the ones you don’t know?

Thats very strange.

If you call Age UK they might suggest people who can visit her for company - a befriender. My mum has one every week and another on alternate Sundays. Also some churches have social clubs for the elderly. Not sure how you can find these .

CAn you ask grandchildren to phone her now and then ? Can't think of any more. Give it a think..Good luck Op