Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

105 replies

CarlyWhiteDuo · 30/07/2026 21:51

Elderly mum is 83, her husband (my step dad) has dementia and has been in a care home for just over two years. My husband and I have mum over every Sunday lunch and then every other Saturday we go out for something to eat together. She doesn’t really have any friends as such, apart from a few neighbours who she chats with and occasionally they go for a coffee.

I’ve just come off the phone with her tonight and she was very low in herself, saying she feels lonely and has nothing to do. I’ve tried suggesting a few things to join/attend, but she’s not interested, citing various reasons.
I’m at a loss at what else to say. She’s not really a ‘club’ sort of person, fair enough, but I can’t get her friends. I work four full days a week and enjoy the bit of time off to myself, am I being fair or should I do more? I’ve no other family except my husband around.

OP posts:

Cherrytreesinthegarden · 01/08/2026 13:20

Your mum might want to consider joining a local choir. I don't mean a choral society or anything too "serious" just a local community choir where there are no auditions and it isn't necessary to be able to read music and you don't even have to be a good singer, all you need is to enjoy doing it.

The choir that I belong to has several ladies in your mum's age group. We meet one evening a week and there's always a lot of chat and laughter. Some members go for a drink in the local pub afterwards, some meet up during the week for coffee and so on.

If that doesn't appeal, have a look at what's on for older people in her area. I recommend you join the local community Facebook group and ask on there.

Mary46 · 01/08/2026 13:39

The choir is good but it fizzled after covid. I think my mam hasnt same energy now for things. 80s. You cant offer solutions if they dont want new change either clubs etc

EmotionalBlackmail · 01/08/2026 15:29

Breakfastinthesunshine · 31/07/2026 11:03

The trouble is that even though OP might be reassured that she is doing enough, the fact remains that her mother is on her own for the working week

OP states that she travels every day… but on days that she finishes work at a reasonable time, could she not pop in one day during the week for a coffee? This might be all it takes to make her mother less lonely

If the OP’s mother were a teenager with social anxiety, I suspect the responses here would be different

But who pops in for a coffee at 6pm?

I used to get comments about popping in for a coffee from an elderly neighbour. The reality was I was either travelling for work or WFH and the earliest I’d finish was about 5.30!

Plus nobody ever gets away with popping in for 20 minutes. It’s always a couple of hours minimum!

Aluna · 01/08/2026 19:45

BlueLegume · 01/08/2026 13:08

Clearly you have experience. It seems to me though you are unfamiliar with the Elderly Parents thread. Most people end up here through frustration and desperation in need of a vent or simple support acknowledging elderly parents are not a breeze.

@Aluna I am unsure if you re read your post. Knowing how to ‘manage people and get them to do things they don’t want to’ is not something to be proud of. It is controlling.

I too have life experience ‘managing people’. That did not stop my mother and father defying every ounce of common sense ideas and suggestions I made. If anything they defiantly went against common sense.

You should share some of your success then the rest of us can learn.

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If it’s “controlling” you’re not going to want to know are you? 😁

Crikeyalmighty · 01/08/2026 23:17

The ironic thing is many of these elderly people often didn’t particularly support ‘their ‘ parents that much or expect such constant input , my FIL as an example was working abroad much of the time his parents and in his in laws were in their 70s and 80s - he didn’t feel he had to negotiate this delicately either-

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