Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

[CarlyWhiteDuo]

Elderly mum is 83, her husband (my step dad) has dementia and has been in a care home for just over two years. My husband and I have mum over every Sunday lunch and then every other Saturday we go out for something to eat together. She doesn’t really have any friends as such, apart from a few neighbours who she chats with and occasionally they go for a coffee.

I’ve just come off the phone with her tonight and she was very low in herself, saying she feels lonely and has nothing to do. I’ve tried suggesting a few things to join/attend, but she’s not interested, citing various reasons.
I’m at a loss at what else to say. She’s not really a ‘club’ sort of person, fair enough, but I can’t get her friends. I work four full days a week and enjoy the bit of time off to myself, am I being fair or should I do more? I’ve no other family except my husband around.

If she's feeling low, lonely and rejecting all ideas to fill her days, how's her mental health? Is she depressed? She's certainly suffering the long grief of loosing her husband to dementia.

Does she get out of the house? Walk? Swim? Garden? Would she speak to her GP and consider antidepressants or a talking therapy?

I dont think you are responsible for how your mum lives her life. She seems to have got into a vicious cycle of sadness, inactivity and failure to provide interest and stimulation for herself - even from a routine of day to day things. 83 isn't particularly old. I know people in their 80s who are volunteering, gardening, walking, child minding etc. The first thing is that it's not in her interest for you to fill the gaps for her. You can only be a loving friend. An you encourage her to get medical help or counselling. She may be grieving the life she's lost with your dad in care. She may be clinically depressed. There may be something else going on. All this can be addressed with professional help. She has skills and attributes- after all she's lived 80 decades- so hopefully you can together find a way for her to take chargw of her life and seek help.

When my FIL moved on his own at 85 from other side of the country to an area 12 miles from us ( and is very independent) but knew no one locally, I sneakily did the following - the town has a friendship club for over 65s that I saw advertised on a notice board - so I messaged the guy that runs it and asked him to tell me what it was about and ‘the mix’ ( it’s a quiz, very good cheap lunch , has a bar and coffees, occasional bingo, raffles etc , plus trips out -quite a wide age range and mix of sexes- I asked if he could possibly pop round with a leaflet and have a chat and make it look as if he was being invited to join - he s a great guy and I knew my FIL , who is also great, would like him - they had a good chat and he’s now been going twice a week for 8 months and enjoys it been on some trips too - I think he thought the health centre must have passed his details - eventually it came out when the guy said - oh your daughter in law told me that — my FIL though actually thanked me and said rightly if I had just given him the details he wouldn’t have gone. I wonder OP if there’s anything like this near your mum - ageuk run quite a few things and maybe someone could pop and tell her what it’s all about if they do!

It sounds like she is rejecting every suggestion you have. You see her a minimum of once a week and you work so I think you do lots considering your lack of time.

If she only visits her own husband once every 2/3 weeks I'd set your stsndard by hers. When my gran was similar, my grandad visited every day and was older. My mum every other day.

It’s up to her to make more effort and frankly she’s being very unfair putting all this on you by refusing to engage with others. You are kind and give her as much as you can by the sounds of it - she’s very lucky to have you.

Is she a bit deaf? That can diminish sociability.

She needs a peer to sit down with her and tell her she is the one who is responsible for her own happiness. Does she have a sister or brother, or a cousin maybe?

Would she accept a call from the Silverline ? They have volunteers who call people for a chat . She sounds a bit depressed as she is refusing any suggestions. She is responsible for her own happiness and you seem to be doing your best to try and help.

Is she still mobile - could you get her a dog? Brilliant for getting her out of the house and talking to people.
Or if not an animal person, could she volunteer at a charity shop or library? Maybe she doesn’t see herself as an elderly person needing ‘charity’ but would be happy to have some purpose.

In the nicest possible way, gently throw it back on her to solve. If she says she's lonely, say something along the lines of "oh dear, that's a shame, what are you going to do about it?". No one person can solve someone else's loneliness, they need a range of interests and friends to do that, and you can't be that.

Fundamentally, she needs to engage to solve the problem, you can't do that for her. Totally get it's difficult to deal with though - suggest a lot of broken record responses as the above and changing the subject!

I think Age Uk offer a befriending service. Likely if you asked your Mum she would reflect it. So maybe don’t offer it as a choice. Just say it’s arranged. It can start as a bit of ironing and a chat. Something to try maybe?
I think you are being fair. You can’t be your mothers sole social outlet.

You are a good daughter and already make room in your life for your Mum. You do much more than many others. But remember we are not responsible for the actions of others. Increasing deafness is difficult but she won't wear her hearing aids. She could go out but chooses not to. She could have friends and friendship but doesn't want to.
You are not responsible for this behaviour. Your mum makes her own choices. Please stop feeling bad about this.
Just because people are older doesnt mean that they stop being responsible for what they do.

We used a lovely care company, my DM was very reluctant but we started it when I went on holiday but focused it on helping me ‘I worry about you when I’m away so xxx is calling for for a cuppa’
they got on great, didn’t feel like a carer and we kept the visits up when I came home.

In fact she enjoyed seeing her as the chat was better than my daily/dull updates!

I think you’re doing a lot. And I ageee that her visiting her husband every 2-3 weeks is extremely telling.

I wouldn’t focus on her exact descriptions. She says she’s lonely/bored but I would say she is grieving and possibly clinically depressed. I wonder how her sleep is. Not that you need to pry into that. Can you exert some uncomfortable bossiness and bully her into seeing her GP? Email said GP beforehand and say you are concerned about her mood and lack of interest in anything since husband went into residential care?

I might identify a pleasant young teenager who needs to volunteer for Duke of Edinburgh, brief them a bit and ask her if she would let them volunteer in her garden? A bit if cheerful youth around, even if only to complain about, and the feeling of doing something for someone else, can lift things a bit.

This 100%

@CarlyWhiteDuo firstly you have my sympathy and as previously suggested join us over at https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5543019-cockroach-cafe-summer?page=18&reply=153804339

You are not responsible for someone else's happiness.

In my experience your mum is displaying learned helplessness. Rejecting all your great suggestions is her exerting control to ensure you keep trying, talking and worrying.

To the poster who really likes older people. Have you experienced an older person totally rejecting every sensible suggestion, throwing away food and clothes purchased to make their life better, lying to neighbours that they have no money because ‘BlueLegume has taken all my bank cards’, I have not.

Does that poster have a magic wand to wave to make elderly people who are difficult sweet and kind? Some of our elderly are difficult people. They likely always have been. They have an expectation that we as daughters/sons will step in and take them on like toddlers. They have little empathy in my experience that we are time poor.

How about a cat? They're great company if you like them.

I also think you are doing enough and have suggested sensible things. Not interested in a single thing from U3A?!

Agree. As I have said in previous posts, I have lived this. I have already said that I suspect hearing was an issue. This thread has made me reflect and I wonder if the start of dementia was also a part. We never set out for a diagnosis. There didn’t seem a point, but I will always wonder if mum would have had more insight or acted differently if she was told that she has dementia. She would say “ha I don’t have dementia” if I ever broached it. The evidence was a bit obvious. BUT It was impossible to get her to an appointment as an outpatient anyway. Uber drivers might be helpful but they would not be happy having to help physically getting her into the car. Ironically she was an inpatient in the same building as they do the assessments. I requested an appointment while she was there but apparently the memory clinic was not for inpatients.

In her 70s and 80s mum did things like line dancing and WI. COVID came and then she was doing nothing. OP is this like your mum? So it might be depression or it might be dementia and hearing loss. It might be all. You end up with circular arguments. For my mum one of the discussions was about getting a volunteer from the library to bring new books. That was an obvious choice of a visit to the house when she loved reading. The suggestion was rubbished with excuses starting with them probably bringing the wrong books.

There are only so many things you can try. OP I feel for you

It could just be this, not looking for solutions just getting it off her chest.

I used to volunteer with that service @Ilovemyfam .

Moaning about the choice of books was half the fun for them I think!

It is hard for you - I am widowed and live alone now as the children have left home. It's not what I would have chosen but it is what it is and I do everything to make sure that my AC do not feel burdened by my needs.

I lead a very busy life because I reach out and am involved in so many things, but if she is not willing to do that I do not know what you can do. There are only so many times you can suggest solutions for her if they are falling on deaf ears.

Your problem is that your mum is looking to you to meet all her social needs and you simply cannot do that. She does have to take some responsibility for this herself. 83 is not really very old - I run a community choir and 3 of the members are 90!

Does she have whatsapp? - my family and friends and I are chatting on that all the time. She might find that alleviates the loneliness a bit.

And I have no patience at all with people who do not wear their hearing aids! I have worn them since I was relatively young as I lost the high range hearing early - I can't imagine why someone might reject them!

I think its fairly obvious that your mums been presented with many options and opportunities but will reject them all because you are her comfort zone. She doesnt want to go out, meet new people, find companionship and friendship on her own etc - at this stage of her life and with the patterns shes established thats far outside of her comfort zone. She wants YOU to step in and take this burden and solve her loneliness because thats what seems to be the easym logical and comfortable solution for HER. The problem is that this wont stop with poppin gin for a cup of tea on the way home after work. It will grow and grow until it consumes your life. Thats not right or fair - and it has nothing to do with 'actually liking elderly people' as the smug previous poster put it. Put in boundaries now and stick to them. You sound like a loving, present and involved daughter, but your mother does not have the right to take over your life.

You are doing enough OP.
I'd stop suggesting things, it's unlikely you're suddenly going to come up with the magic answer. I speak from my own experience of banging my head against that brick wall.

You are doing a lot OP. She really needs to help herself - is there a local tea n chat group she could join? Or a craft group?

Is she healthy enough to volunteer? Mum used to volunteer in a charity shop (she was younger but her health has gone downhill) , and an aunt volunteered in a church cafe.

What about getting a volunteer befriender to befriend your DM? We had two that visited my MiL. They came on different days and did things with her in the house. One was a Seventh Day Adventist who tried to convert her, but that was fine as she had advanced dementia and just enjoyed the company and someone talking with her. The other one would often watch telly with her and talk about what they were watching. Your DM might be resistant to this, of course, but you can only do as much as you can do without burning yourself out. It's only going to become more demanding on you as she ages.