Am I doing enough for my lonely elderly mum?

[CarlyWhiteDuo]

Elderly mum is 83, her husband (my step dad) has dementia and has been in a care home for just over two years. My husband and I have mum over every Sunday lunch and then every other Saturday we go out for something to eat together. She doesn’t really have any friends as such, apart from a few neighbours who she chats with and occasionally they go for a coffee.

I’ve just come off the phone with her tonight and she was very low in herself, saying she feels lonely and has nothing to do. I’ve tried suggesting a few things to join/attend, but she’s not interested, citing various reasons.
I’m at a loss at what else to say. She’s not really a ‘club’ sort of person, fair enough, but I can’t get her friends. I work four full days a week and enjoy the bit of time off to myself, am I being fair or should I do more? I’ve no other family except my husband around.

Your right you cant force it. You have help yourself too. Only so much you can do in your week.. I cant push her into ladies clubs she doesnt want that. You will be lonely if you are super negative

I am in the exact situation with my mother since my dad died 5 years ago, it is really really hard and with the best will in the world you can run out of things to talk about! Its really doesn't get talked enough the companion side of taking care of an older relative and how it can be hard. I see my Mum about the same amount that you are , You are doing a great job in a tricky situation and wanted you to know that

Agree with this post. My late DF had been very social but with lockdown and the fact he was the last of his friends alive he stopped making any effort. But he regularly complained about being bored and lonely. It was a struggle to get him to go anywhere except for medical appointments. He would say whatever he thought healthcare professionals wanted to hear, say yes to all their suggestions for joining things, doing physio, etc. But after he’d finished his appointment he’d just reject it outright and refuse to engage, cancelling anything that had been arranged.

I had to accept that as he still had capacity and knew me or my DSis would help facilitate any activities, we couldn’t force him and it was his choice to do nothing and also to complain.

It’s hard when you suggest things but they don’t want to do them. Is she still driving? That makes a big difference.

My MiL is 90 and long widowed and keeps herself busy. She gardens, swims, plays table tennis, paints, knits and embroiders. She belongs to the WI and the U3A. She loves cooking and baking. She recently gave up her allotment as the site was developed but she grows loads of fruit and veg in her garden and greenhouse.

My mum on the other hand, had no interests or hobbies whatsoever so found old age boring and pointless.

Yes tiring. I already got a text let her know what day Im coming next week. Siblings away. No clubs no nothing. Find she texting out boredom. I would love time to be bored.

It's no more ok to attempt to force them into something than any other adult!

Does sound rather like shed rather just have a moan. Resist the temptation to suggest solutions or fall for heavy hints.

"Oh I feel so low and lonely today"

"Oh, I m sorry to hear that"

"I feel really fed up"

"Oh dear, that's tough.."

"I wish you could come over more often"

"You see us twice a week Mum, you know that's all we can manage."

"But what can I do?"

"Im not sure, what do you think you could do?" [Do not make any suggestions at this point]

"Oh I don't know. Im just really lonely"

"Well I am sorry to hear that. Hope you feel more cheerful tomorrow, love you, bye bye."

Help is what I said.

What is all this about force? You can help people when they can’t help themselves.

I cant make her go to clubs. She doesnt want to. I respect that. My mil did bridge or bingo. My mam hates those

I don't really understand your point @Aluna. The OP has suggested a bunch of stuff to her DM, which the DM doesn't want to do.

What are you suggesting then if it's not forcing her to do stuff?

Indeed, how do you help when suggestions or offers are refused?

Dear @CarlyWhiteDuo i read your post earlier and have been thinking about it today.

I think you are doing a lot - and being a great daughter. I don't think this is about you.

She may be mildly depressed. This age is difficult. She is grieving her partner and all the complexity that brings when dementia is involved. She is contemplating the next big life event hurtling towards her - her own mortality. I appreciate there are some amazing women out there who can keep going and continue to find joy and purpose but for some it is harder.

Perhaps before she can find energy and momentum to tackle new hobbies and push herself forward, she may need a visit to GP, some CBT or grief therapy, blood tests or even a course of anti depressants?

Perhaps you could encourage that?

I don't think this is about you finding more things for her, but enabling her to find a bit of energy or zest for her eighties so she can motivate herself again.

good luck OP - i feel im right behind you x

What about a pet ?
She could foster a cat or dog ?

What about volunteering, reading wiith children at local school ?

Gardening

Go to local library & find local clubs or volunteering or look on local Facebook groups

Baking

Exercise -there are special sessions for elderly

There is a Japenese word for it

Your DM needs a purpose in life

Can she make blankets for a good cause

Or knit the little hats that go on top of Innocent drinks (I have knitted these)

Or make something else that she would enjoy doing ?

Age uk have a community agent scheme. It may be a good idea if so on ‘ neutral’ goes through what is available and perhaps gently challenge/ persuade her to be engaged.
Age UK Community Agents are local support workers who help older people connect with social activities, wellbeing services, and community groups. They primarily assist individuals who feel lonely or isolated by offering home visits, phone calls, and guidance on local transport or personal goals. about:blank 1] It’s available country wide, not use southeast I believe,
How Community Agents Help

• Home visits & calls: Staff or volunteers talk through personal interests and goals over the phone or in person.
• Local connections: They link residents to nearby social clubs, groups, and practical support services.
• Overcoming barriers: They offer advice on transport options and ways to build confidence in meeting new people. about:blank 1]

Accessing the Service

• Local availability: This is a localized scheme run by specific regional branches (such as Age UK West Sussex, Brighton & Hove) rather than a universal nationwide program under that exact title. about:blank 1, 2]
• National advice: You can find out what specific wellbeing or outreach schemes operate near you through the Age UK Services Locator or by calling the free national Age UK Advice Line at tel:0800 678 1602 0800 678 1602. about:blank 1, 2]

How about she researches her family tree. I know several people who have enjoyed doing this.

Or

Write her life story

This sounds really hard OP. My parents are a similar age to your DM and whilst they are OK at the moment I can see me in a similar situation to you if DF were to go first.

I think I'd try and avoid being seen as the person who should provide solutions to her. If she says she's lonely maybe try a response like 'yes, you've said that few times now. Have you had any thoughts about what you could do to meet people since we last spoke?'

If she has no ideas I might resort to 'You seem unhappy and yet you're also dismissing any ideas that might help. I'm worried about you and think you may be a bit depressed. Shall I make an appointment with the GP and see what they suggest?'

In the case of my DM I know she'd back off seeing the GP but it's a way of pushing back and making it clear that your role isn't to provide answers to this.

GPs can allocate people to free weekly exercise classes

To help prevent falls, improve mobility & socialise

Or you can find one she can attend

Great ideas on this thread but you can't fix someone that wants to be entertained all the time by someone else. My own mother is 10 years your mothers junior and is like this. Interested in nothing, won't go anywhere, has dropped all friends over the years but looks to me and the rest of us to fill in her boredom.
I'm making a list for my own advancing years though as I dread the thoughts of ending up the same!

A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

Re hearing test - OP can ring up DM’s GP and tell them she can’t hear. The GP can call her in for a “general checkup”, check her ears for wax or infection, and refer her for a free hearing test with an NHS audiologist.

DM is more likely to obey a doctor.

@aluna your posts are very Mary Poppins cheery. The cold reality many of us on here live with is utter negativity and stubborn refusal to attempt to help themselves. If you read the post you will see an earlier one of mine. I literally gave up my life and family to support my elderly father in hospital- now in a nursing home - and support my mother who decided she could no longer do anything.

It broke me. That was my reality. I will never be the same again despite trying to piece myself together. Some elderly people are very selfish.

BlueLegume your right. The mary poppins is not reality for most!! Its def tiring week in week out dealing with her. My sisters away this wend so falls to me. Most are mentally drained from it all.

I’ve got one parent with heart failure and late stage dementia; and one with severe arthritis, osteoporosis who keeps falling and breaking things, she’s also depressed and emotional.

I know how to manage people though and get them to do things they don’t want to. My dad was a learning curve with dementia, took me a while but I figured it out.

Clearly you have experience. It seems to me though you are unfamiliar with the Elderly Parents thread. Most people end up here through frustration and desperation in need of a vent or simple support acknowledging elderly parents are not a breeze.

@Aluna I am unsure if you re read your post. Knowing how to ‘manage people and get them to do things they don’t want to’ is not something to be proud of. It is controlling.

I too have life experience ‘managing people’. That did not stop my mother and father defying every ounce of common sense ideas and suggestions I made. If anything they defiantly went against common sense.

You should share some of your success then the rest of us can learn.