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Elderly parents
Original poster

DP angling for an extension for FIL to live in

103 replies

mids2019 · 26/12/2023 09:58

Just had Chrismtas with FIL (74) staying. My DP admittedly after a couple of drinks keeps hinting at either a garage or loft conversion to accommodate FIL if he deterioraites in future. I have managed to dismiss such suggestions as fancifuln so far but in the last year FIL has neglected housework significantly and I think there are more and more instances of senior moments.

I really do not want to go down this theoretical route and want to somehow gently but finely express my feelings but feel this may be point of conflict with my DP.

.

Anyone else had similar issues and how did it go?

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 26/12/2023 10:01

How far away does he live currently, is there a middle ground of somewhere very close but not part of your home? Also will DH look after him or will it become your job?

DidiAskYouThough · 26/12/2023 10:01

Whose house is it? Who would your boyfriend expect to do the huge amount of work involved of caring for his father?

If the answer to either of those questions is you, obviously just laugh and decline the offer. It's for your fella to figure out.

AnnaMagnani · 26/12/2023 10:02

Just no.

From the sounds of it, FIL is no longer managing independently. By the time you have built this fictional annexe what will his health be like then?

I'd ask your DH - who will be cleaning the annexe? Who will be making FIL's meals? Doing his washing? Giving him a wash? Picking him up off the floor? - I would bet good money your DH has not considered this and it will be you.

A more practical route would be ensuring LPAs are done for Finance and Health, and taking FIL to see his GP raising your concerns about memory and self care.

2jacqi · 26/12/2023 10:02

@mids2019 and who is going to do the caring?? your hubby??? i very much doubt it! anyway, an attic conversion would not be at all suitable for an elderly person who will become unable to manage stairs very soon. I would never ever take an elderly relative in/ you will be left to do it all with no thanks ever given by the relative or the hubby! dont do it/

AnnaMagnani · 26/12/2023 10:03

Re-read to see loft conversion - that's hilarious, how will a frail elderly man be managing the stairs?

Brumbies · 26/12/2023 10:05

AnnaMagnani · 26/12/2023 10:03

Re-read to see loft conversion - that's hilarious, how will a frail elderly man be managing the stairs?

Not do stupid if the fil has their old rooms and they create an Ensuite room in the loft for themselves

TreesWelliesKnees · 26/12/2023 10:06

Laugh as if the idea is some hilarious joke. Which it is. Don't agree to it. You will be condemning yourself to a life of servitude.

justalittlesnoel · 26/12/2023 10:06

Okay so who's house is it? What's the care plan? Where is the £££ coming for this sort of change? Seems too much to me!

TreesWelliesKnees · 26/12/2023 10:07

Brumbies · 26/12/2023 10:05

Not do stupid if the fil has their old rooms and they create an Ensuite room in the loft for themselves

Show quote history

She said she doesnt want to do it though.

MintJulia · 26/12/2023 10:07

Find your FIL a 'lovely lady' close to him who will do one afternoon a week cleaning. Book a trial for him as a 'birthday present' if necessary.

Infinitely cheaper than an extension, better for your marriage and probably better for FIL's independence as well.

Thelondonone · 26/12/2023 10:09

I love my mam, probably the best mam in the world. However, she’s in a residential home. I work full time 300 miles away. Even if I lived closer, I would not move her into my home, it wouldn’t be fair on dh or my kids and I have to put myself and them first. The same way I want my kids to do the same. Don’t agree to this in anyway shape or form. (Edited for typos)

AInightingale · 26/12/2023 10:09

Have you considered assisted living and are there any suitable facilities near you? Your dad would have his own self contained flat with staff on site to help him prepare meals etc, family are responsible for providing practical support, shopping etc. As much independence as is possible for both of you. I'd be very wary of being the care provider in your own home, your FIL sounds as if he's in the early stages of dementia at 74. Call 'senior moments' what they are and try to have him properly assessed.

DidiAskYouThough · 26/12/2023 10:09

There is no marriage, so no familial connection and very likely that only one of them owns the house. OP left hugely relevant info out of the OP.

Snowpake · 26/12/2023 10:12

Can you reframe it to have an open conversation about all of FIL’s potential needs in the future? Put everything on the table and then explain your reasons against him living with you. I don’t know about you but mine were/ would be:

FiL has his own life/ friends/ social life etc and wouldn’t feel comfortable being an add on in someone else’s home
it would impinge on our family life/ privacy
I would become default carer
it is not a long term solution as his needs will change, esp re stairs as pp have pointed out

if FIL needs help then you do need to discuss options, preferably with him as part of the conversation. Eg DH might have to visit him more regularly/ take on some housework or employ a cleaner etc. Longer term he might need a live in carer.

take it from someone 10 years into caring for my PIL - your lives will change and there is a lot of cultural pressure for this to fall to the woman. So try to set some clear boundaries now

also bear in mind that if fil paid towards any extension that might count as deprivation of assets if he needs to rely on state funded care in the future and that could put your home at risk - ie you would have to sell to pay for care

MinnieCauldwell · 26/12/2023 10:12

The best thing would be an assisted living place, especially if you could find one that has the final step of care, like a nursing home. They do exist, my MIL was in a fabulouse one and had housing benefit pay it i think. They are hard to find, you need to get him in one before any full blown dementia.

Also, if you take him in, the care system, such as it is, will leave it all to you. I am assuming you are in tge UK

PastorCarrBonarra · 26/12/2023 10:14

It’ll change your life significantly even if your partner does the bulk of the work involved. If your FIL has early stage dementia (which may or may not be the case) he may live for another 15 years, getting progressively more aggressive, scared and forgetful.

Next time it’s “casually” mentioned, make it clear that you wouldn’t agree to it.

Your FiL may not want to move in anyway. He might prefer more independence, in a flat in a retirement complex. That’s the sort of thing that your partner should be researching, with his dad’s permission.

Original poster
mids2019 · 26/12/2023 10:23

Thanks for all the advice.

I think there will be a need to cut through a lot of personal pride to get a cleaner in but eventually think this will be necessary. Maybe it is time to broach the subject of long term loans if we have parents that degenerate instead of being forced with difficult questions in the future.

I think the idea is unrealistic but I think FIL.increasingly wants family around him to combat loneliness but our lives are just to busy with a teenage child and a pre teen. I just get the impression that he thinks three generations in one house is a natural situation.

He lives 25 miles away so quite close really.

OP posts:
tokesqueen · 26/12/2023 10:34

I know people who went down this road. They're all on antidepressants now.
Wouldn't touch it either a barge pole and if your FIL is a decent considerate man, neither would he. It's not your job to combat his loneliness and I'm sure he wouldn't put this burden on you anyway.

YireosDodeAver · 26/12/2023 10:38

Unless your DP is in the construction trade himself any building project is going to cost twice as much and take 4 times as long as any reasonable estimate.

Look for sheltered housing that includes social spaces and activities. Anything involving adapting your home will be disastrous on numerous levels including destroying your relationship

Original poster
mids2019 · 26/12/2023 10:48

@tokesqueen

that sounds scary. I think these are ideas that maybe are just being brought up after a few drinks and I do hope these are just flights of fancy.

I think he did enjoy his independence but a lot of his friends have died off or have their own morbidities that make them less likely to socialise. He is quite gregarious so I think periods of loneliness are getting to him and I think there is a notion of wanting a 'family life' back for his remaining years.

OP posts:
Brumbies · 26/12/2023 11:04

Get him on a dating site, he might meet a nice widow looking for a man to take care of.

Original poster
mids2019 · 26/12/2023 11:10

@Brumbies

I think that is an interesting suggestion and I think a second marriage or partnership would really help and I think if her could this while in relatively good health.

I think it would really combat over reliance on family.

OP posts:
DidiAskYouThough · 26/12/2023 11:33

Whose house is it? Who would your boyfriend expect to do the huge amount of work it would involve having his father live there?

festivetinseling · 26/12/2023 11:38

Nothing for me to add really, as other pp's have already brought up a number of issues which might cause problems in the future.

Alongside who his care might fall to in the future, the main issue really is finances. If the FIL has his own home, then what would happen to that? If he owns it and sells to help pay for adaptations to your home, the authorities might take a very dim view of that when it comes to paying for future residential care.

Does your DP have siblings who might think that DP is angling after inheriting the bulk of FIL's estate? That could cause no end of family discord.

PermanentTemporary · 26/12/2023 11:43

Does your FIL have an actual diagnosis? If his health has deteriorated sharply over a few months, why? I think that's the first question. 74 is not that old. And the answers to individual problems may vary depending on what is wrong with him.