DP angling for an extension for FIL to live in

[mids2019]

Just had Chrismtas with FIL (74) staying. My DP admittedly after a couple of drinks keeps hinting at either a garage or loft conversion to accommodate FIL if he deterioraites in future. I have managed to dismiss such suggestions as fancifuln so far but in the last year FIL has neglected housework significantly and I think there are more and more instances of senior moments.

I really do not want to go down this theoretical route and want to somehow gently but finely express my feelings but feel this may be point of conflict with my DP.

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Anyone else had similar issues and how did it go?

Just wondering if you have any experience of caring for older people or Dementia at all? The OP has already pointed out that not one person has come into the thread and said that they've cared for an older member of the family at home and it's been successful?

I'm assuming that you have done this? Would you like to share your success story?

I know growing up lots of people had grandparents living with them. We did too but only when they were unable to live alone. I preferred it as it was easier to help them from own home than have to always schlep over to their house when they had an issue.

My parents in law lived next door to us and lived there until they died. It was lovely. We were very close, cooked for them, did jobs for them and were with them til the end. However... both died after a short illness and both were mentally sharp as a tack til death. It would absolutely not have worked if they had had dementia.

I did it and on the whole it was successful. Difference is I was able and more importantly, willing to do it. Only child and my parents had been good to me all my life. We did have discussions às to what point would I be able to no longer manage and it would be OK to research other options. Luckily it never came to that as he was admitted to hospital where he died.

It wasn't always easy as father's frustration with this incapacities could make him grumpy or sad . I loved him very much and still had days that I wanted to run away. I am not sure that I would have been willing to do this for my ILs as didn't feel any obligation to them . Certainly would have tried to help get them a safe and as pleasant accommodation as possible but probably not cared for them in my home.
It is a big ask for your DP to even consider this .

Perhaps an easier suggestion is your DH staying overnight with his dad once a week and doing his housework.

I do know people who have made it work. And others who haven’t…

the ones where it worked has involved a lot of communication and compromise and a united front from the partners involved…..

I can’t even figure out how it would work. I’m in my mid fifties, DM is 80. I still need to work full time for the next 11 years due to a late life divorce and a hefty mortgage. Not to mention supporting DS at university. Do people - well let’s face it, women - really give up everything to look after elderly parents at the detriment to their own wellbeing. It’s a huge ask.

To those that have attempted the 'granny flat' was there a culture within your family or community that made this an expected life action e.g. similar to marriage or such like?

I think one thing that pushes my partner in this direction is a kind of tight family culture where 'family do what's needed and you look after your own'.

Strewth -74 isn’t old -he could live another 30 years (with luck).

the men’s shed, the U3A, walking groups , choir, bird watchers, volunteering for a myriad of charities.
im sure he could find something to keep him busy.

I haven't attempted a granny flat but I am currently pt caring for dm, who is elderly & mostly incapacitated. And DH is trying to look after his DP.

My observation is that the "looking after your own" is predicated on there being available, strong capable women around to work as a group.

Preferably some unmarried middleaged, always lived at home, types...

If you have children, a job & are not from a huge family, then it's more difficult.

If your DP is envisaging his dad pottering about, whilst you provide meals & company, that's one thing.

Modern caring where people don't slip away quietly at a relatively young age is a different matter.

Go on the elderly board to see what it might entail. Ymmv.

My Dad was a complete hermit who hated company and human beings in general apart from his family! When he started to struggle to maintain the house he was in and had to stop driving, we persuaded him to move to a block of flats in the centre of a small market town locally that was for over 55s. He wasn't at all sure but honestly, it was the making of him. He had the independence to do his own medical appointments, shopping etc and he made some really good friends where he lived. I went once a week to help him clean and get heavy shopping for him, and spoke every day on the phone. My sister lives in the same town and she saw him daily so he was so much happier.

Took him a lot of talking into, mind.

Recommend ‘Being Mortal’ by Atul Guwande.

balanced consideration of the realities of health issues for older people and care options

I’d be interested to know what your internal picture of “looking after elderly relatives” is?

@Pussygaloregalapagos Yes, it was more common back in the Forties, Fifties, Sixties. My grandmother looked after one of her own parents, two in laws and a much older sister (no overlap between any, but started in her late forties to mid sixties). BUT (1) my grandparents had a large house with a separate flat, and (2) their parents died in their early to mid Seventies so it was two years of care on average, no personal care until the last weeks, (3) my GM had no children at home and did not work outside it. (4) she had a cleaner and household help (5) when the sister's dementia became too unsafe for anyone, there was a state funded nursing home for her last months. I was too young to ask her how she felt about it but wish I had. My GF outlived her by 25 years.

If my Mil had to come live with us now, one of us would have to be with her 24 hours a day. She also would not be very happy. It would be miserable.

I agree that it was much more common h before the 80s when you could run a household on one wage and ours of Women didn't work.

Life expectancy was also much lower so you would be caring for as long and Women usually had DC younger so were less likely to have DC at home at the same time as they were caring fir elderly parents.

At the moment DH and I are both working, have 2 DC at home and are looking after 5 elderly relatives in 4 different homes, within 30 miles of one another and they're all nearly 90.

Not quite sure how you would think that I could easily fit them all into our house @Pussygaloregalapagos, especially as we don't have a spare bedroom.

Maybe we are harking back to eras where there was limited social care and so there was an expectation that an elderly relative lived with their children.

Hmmm. I don’t know OP you come across to me at least as a bit mean spirited towards your FIL, like the expectation is that he doesn’t inconvenience you with any aspect of his aging at all.

we have my parents in a granny annexe and my dad is just into his 70s. Yes I come from a culture where this is very much the norm and my parents did do an awful lot to ensure I had a safe happy childhood and sacrificed an awful lot coming here primarily for me and my sibling. In turn my husband visits his parent throughout the week and ideally we would have preferred if they had moved nearer our house but they have lived in theirs for decades and wouldn’t conscience it.

dont be so dismissive of his loneliness, it must be incredibly hard. Why don’t you have a conversation about facilitating a move closer and the boundaries of care that can be expected rather than the absolute no that you seem to have?

The op doesn't come across as mean spirited in the slightest. She's wondering how best to respond to this. It's possible any care in the future would be down to her (as it's usually dumped on women) and why is that fair? She hasn't even said no anyway. Your family setup is different to hers. As long as her DH knows what he's in for it shouldn't be a problem.

@LeroyJenkinssss

I do appreciate loneliness and frailty associated with old age but I think there is an element of emotional blackmail in this. In addition all in all I think it is logistically impractical and would have a roll on at least my mental health.

Certainly we would wish my FIL socialised more but pride seems to prevent him joining social groups associated with the elderly. A lot of his friends are starting to become frail or pass away themselves but he seems to have no interest in forming new relationships. However he seems to rely for social interaction on my partner.

I can see maybe from a different culture this does seem maybe a little dispassionate but I work full time and all our spare time is used in housework and childcare. An elderly parent would break the camels back

But would your DP really do all the care for his Dad or would you be expected to as well?

@caringcarer

In reality both it appears we have done the hard yards of bringing up children to teenage years and now we are faced with this 😞

This is so different to my culture (Europen). The idea of putting yourself first is so British. I find this very sad.

European sorry!

With respect, you clearly don't live in the UK.

If parent requires medical help, it rapidly becomes a complete shitshow with a massive suck of time, dealing with the nhs.

My relatives have appointments & surgeries cancelled at the last minute, moved to hospitals miles (literally, miles away). There's not much communication between hospital & GP/us. No care is easily assessed & if some care needs increase, you're looking at hoists, assisted transfers & single & double incontinence, which requires cleaning of parent & major laundry, etc.

Even my elderly DM is starting to worry that it's too much for me. If I go down, they're all fucked.

Yes, you can happily have someone potter about but it may not stay that benign.

I know my limitations, best to organise something better in a timely manner.