Page 3 | DP angling for an extension for FIL to live in

mids2019 · 2023-12-26T09:58:55+00:00

Just had Chrismtas with FIL (74) staying. My DP admittedly after a couple of drinks keeps hinting at either a garage or loft conversion to accommodate FIL if he deterioraites in future. I have managed to dismiss such suggestions as fancifuln so far but in the last year FIL has neglected housework significantly and I think there are more and more instances of senior moments. I really do not want to go down this theoretical route and want to somehow gently but finely express my feelings but feel this may be point of conflict with my DP. . Anyone else had similar issues and how did it go?

Iamnotalemming · 27/12/2023 09:45

I wa in similar situation. MIL's DP died this year. DH made a couple of comments that hinted at MIL staying with us - I asked a few practical questions about how it would work (we live rurally, in a cold place, MIL doesn't drive and moved 1,000s of miles away a long time ago to be somewhere warmer and cheaper). DH soon decided it was an impractical plan. Was easier than my first reaction which was wanting to shout loudly that I couldn't think of anything worse, but she is his DM, so I bit my tongue.

NearlyMonday · 27/12/2023 10:35

GenXisthebest · 27/12/2023 09:38

I agree with the posters who have suggested retirement living accommodation. My MIL and FIL moved into one when they became unable to cope with maintaining their property, and MIL now lives there alone after FIL's death. It's really convenient (on-site laundry room etc) and there's a downstairs restaurant and lounge where he can chat to the other residents. But he'd have his own flat if he doesn't fancy socialising that day. It's a really good halfway house between living independently and a residential care home.

Is this McCarthy Stone or similar?

Crazycrazylady · 27/12/2023 12:52

I had this discussion with my husband. I expressed surprise that he would be willing to take on that role ( especially the personal care support ) that would be required later on. I told him that I was impressed as I absolutely wouldn't do it for my parents . I also told him that maybe he should look at his various hobbies as he would need to cut those down. I told him I would of course support by working full time so he could cut back to part time in order to do it properly.

He hasn't mentioned it since!

PinkMimosa · 27/12/2023 13:10

Is this McCarthy Stone or similar

Not necessarily. Sometimes Housing Associations will run then too.

PinkMimosa · 27/12/2023 13:11

Crazycrazylady · 27/12/2023 12:52

I had this discussion with my husband. I expressed surprise that he would be willing to take on that role ( especially the personal care support ) that would be required later on. I told him that I was impressed as I absolutely wouldn't do it for my parents . I also told him that maybe he should look at his various hobbies as he would need to cut those down. I told him I would of course support by working full time so he could cut back to part time in order to do it properly.

He hasn't mentioned it since!

Bravo! I think that by spelling it out like that is the only way to do it.

AInightingale · 27/12/2023 15:06

Helenahandkart · 27/12/2023 09:31

Can I recommend that you watch The Father, which I think is on iplayer or 4od at the moment. It allowed me to very firmly state to DH that I would never, ever have his parents (or mine) come to live with us under any circumstances ever.
I was already determined that that was the case, but watching that film together was the catalyst for a VERY firm conversation.

Or read 'Edith's Diary' by Patricia Highsmith! 😁

YireosDodeAver · 27/12/2023 15:49

Well done @Crazycrazylady that is exactly what @mids2019 needs to say.

GenXisthebest · 28/12/2023 07:25

@NearlyMonday yes that's right.

oneflewoverthe · 28/12/2023 08:38

Why not be direct and just tell him you don't want your fil ever living with you and why? Better than skirting around it. I don't understand why some spouses can't communicate properly.

Original poster

mids2019 · 30/12/2023 22:49

@oneflewoverthe

it should be like as you say but the argument put forward is 'dad was good for me for all my life so why can't we make sure he's comfortable and not lonely in his dotage?''

I am sure the conversation will come but it's a difficult one. It s made more difficult by relatives (albeit with large houses) have had elderly relatives live with them.

OP posts:

TheMoreYouKnow · 30/12/2023 23:25

No way. You'll end up doing all of the care. Ask if he would be happy helping his df with toileting bathing etc as you won't feel comfortable doing that. He'll also have to keep him company and get involved with the cleaning laundry etc for his df as you wouldn't be doing that either.

Spottywombat · 30/12/2023 23:29

Then he can go live with his dad. He has to make choices.

As someone who has been dicked into being reserve carer, without consultation, my boundaries are rapidly becoming ever more robust.

Take a wander into the elderly parents section if you want to read some truly grim accounts of caring responsibilities. Heartbreaking.

I have taken note & am acting accordingly...much as I do feel guilty, I am not cut out for 24/7 dementia care.

PinkMimosa · 30/12/2023 23:34

Then he can go live with his dad. He has to make choices.

That's a really good point. If his DF "has been good to him all of his life", how much time is he spending with him now? If he feels that motivated to repay his DF I would be expecting your DP to see his DF at the very least 3 times a week,

Spottywombat · 31/12/2023 09:20

A good option is "extra-care" housing. As care needs increase, then that's available.

Often run by housing associations.

Be careful with the McCarthy & Stone-type options, very expensive and can be hard to sell on.

MyLibrarywasdukedomlargeenough · 31/12/2023 09:24

You still have not said who owns the house or is it hopefully in both your names.

EmotionalBlackmail · 01/01/2024 08:56

Do not agree to this! I grew up as the child in a house where the grandparent had had an extension built for them to live in and there is no way I'd do this to my own children.

It severely limits what you can do - holidays you either have to take them with you (try finding a holiday that's suitable for both elderly infirm person AND children!) or go somewhere not far away so you can get back quickly in an emergency. Do you want to be doing laundry, providing meals and personal care? What happens if you want to have friends round for a meal?

And then there's the whole question of who owns what if the elderly person spent their money on the extension. How do you extract that money if it's needed eg to pay for a nursing home if they develop dementia? Sell your house?

pickledandpuzzled · 01/01/2024 09:01

That’s sweet of you, DH. Do you think you’d have time to do lots of extras for your dad, on top of normal family life?
Why don’t you go to his for dinner once a week and find him a cleaner just to tide him over for now?

Just quietly reply nicely and positively about what the implications would be for him- not you- if he did that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 01/01/2024 10:02

If there’s any possibility that dementia is involved, I’d say definitely don’t do it! People with dementia lose all sense of time/day/night - you will have him banging on the door at 3 am, etc. asking where his dinner is/why his TV remote control isn’t working (because he’s trying to use a phone) or e.g. why the TV isn’t working anyway (because for the 97th time he’s switched the wall plug off.

I’m speaking from (too much!) experience here, though extensions weren’t involved.

Plus, if your dh was thinking of using DP’s funds, there could be future accusations of deprivation of assets - I.e. you have used his money to enlarge/improve your own house.
Of course if there are enough funds for any care home fees anyway, this question would not arise.

IncompleteSenten · 01/01/2024 10:47

You need to ask your husband some questions.

How will your husband manage fils personal care?
How will your husband balance work and caring for his dad?
How will your husband manage to clean fils home?
Will your husband have to give up his job to become his dad's carer? How will finances work if that happens?

Etc etc
Basically list all the ways in which his dad will need to be supported and ask him how he intends to do that. Be absolutely incredulous if he suggests he assumed you'd do it. Make it crystal clear that no, you won't be his dad's carer at any point .

Original poster

mids2019 · 01/01/2024 15:43

We own the house. I don't know quite where extension money would come from but there is money from various sources avaibale.

Thanks for all the posts which are all in the direction I was expecting.

It's sad we possibly will reach the stage of seriously discussing some care options but that's life.

OP posts:

2jacqi · 01/01/2024 15:47

@mids2019 and how does your partner plan to care for his father?? I certainly would not have this happen. perhaps his father could move into sheltered housing near you then your dp could visit to his hearts content and his father would have company in the common room

Original poster

mids2019 · 01/01/2024 16:33

@2Jacqui

Good questions. What I am hoping is there is a bit of emotion in these suggestions partly brought on through FIL's gentle decline into old age infirmity. I think the suggestions are completely unrealistic and the posts here have proved this.

I have noticed no one post saying they have had something similar and it was a 'success ' which is really interesting. The only people that I have known to do this are very wealthy with houses with wings of a bungalow in their grounds (on farmland).

decades ago when I was younger there were a few 'granny flats' in my village but I don't know if that was part of a culture and maybe the care sector has expanded

OP posts:

BatshitCrazyWoman · 07/01/2024 15:55

Crazycrazylady · 27/12/2023 12:52

I had this discussion with my husband. I expressed surprise that he would be willing to take on that role ( especially the personal care support ) that would be required later on. I told him that I was impressed as I absolutely wouldn't do it for my parents . I also told him that maybe he should look at his various hobbies as he would need to cut those down. I told him I would of course support by working full time so he could cut back to part time in order to do it properly.

He hasn't mentioned it since!

I said exactly the same to my now-ex-husband, when he said that he always saw his Mum living with us. I also said we'd need to buy a bigger house, so my parents could move in too ... he never mentioned it again!

PinkMimosa · 07/01/2024 15:59

I said exactly the same to my now-ex-husband, when he said that he always saw his Mum living with us. I also said we'd need to buy a bigger house, so my parents could move in too ... he never mentioned it again

Well done. That's exactly what you should have done

Pussygaloregalapagos · 07/01/2024 16:01

I think this is a really kind and frankly quite normal idea. Looking after our elderly relatives is our responsibility, do you not feel that responsibility? You say DP so perhaps it is a new relationship so you don’t.