DP angling for an extension for FIL to live in

[mids2019]

Just had Chrismtas with FIL (74) staying. My DP admittedly after a couple of drinks keeps hinting at either a garage or loft conversion to accommodate FIL if he deterioraites in future. I have managed to dismiss such suggestions as fancifuln so far but in the last year FIL has neglected housework significantly and I think there are more and more instances of senior moments.

I really do not want to go down this theoretical route and want to somehow gently but finely express my feelings but feel this may be point of conflict with my DP.

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Anyone else had similar issues and how did it go?

You mention that he’s your DP - are you not married?

I’d be very wary of ending up as the unpaid carer of an old man who is not related to you whilst your partner carries on enjoying life and preserving his inheritance at your expense (lots of assumptions here, but scant detail provided in the OP).

I certainly wouldn’t be looking to palm him off on some poor lady ffs. He can sort out his own cleaner or home help, buy if HE has left it too late and is no longer capable, presumably his own son could do it for him.

Know from experience that as parents age and stay in their own home, that's another house you've got to look after, realistically. Cleaning is one thing, but there's also a lot of maintenance, gardening etc. Repairs can be expensive when you're reliant on tradespeople. And ruinously expensive to heat a big home as people get older and more housebound. Whereas with a shared development/AL flat that you lease, it's all taken care of. Worth looking into - depending on his assets he may need to pay rent/service charges, but might break even, all the above considered.

@Brumbies @mids2019 I don't know many widows of his age who are keen to take on the entire burden of housekeeping for a needy elderly man who can't take care of himself. Would you also insist that she didn't figure in his will eg inheriting half his house and being able to gift her share to her children? What's in it for her unless she genuinely falls in love and they get married? If neither happens, she's just free companionship and housekeeping.

Could he apply for sheltered housing nearer to you? Encourage him in joining clubs, hobbies, 74 isn't old.

Next time he comes up with the rosey idealistic comments bring him firmly down to earth.

So DP are you giving up your job to look after your father? Much as I am fond of your dad I am not doing any care for him. He's your dad not mine.

[Do a bit of research & then possibly]:
There's that assisted living place just up the road. He'd have company there & proper care as & when he needs it. Maybe you could take him to have a look.

What does your FIL actually want to do? What does he know about his health status?

I'd give a lot not to spend the last 20 years of my life in a bedsit i didn't design alongside a reluctant daughter in law who's been dragooned into caring for me, in a random area of the country where I don't know anyone.

Even if it's your FIL's idea of heaven, you don't want to do it! You need to stop the 'hinting' and have some real conversations.

This!

Men's sheds or similar places to meet other older people.

What does he do with his time? Has he got much money? There is a private club near us where there are loads of activities could he join something like that?

I think these are ideas that maybe are just being brought up after a few drinks and I do hope these are just flights of fancy.

I'd be VERY careful about doing that as your DH could very easily turn around in 4 years and be aghast and say "but darling this has been on the table for years... You've know for ages this was the plan"

For avoidance of doubt I would be having THE chat now

Chill out mate it's Christmas

Absolutely depressing considering pawning off FIL onto another older woman. When are women not seen as being carers for everyone?

If your FIL needs support then his children can support him finding options but please don't recruit some poor woman as his career under the guise of wife!

It worked for an old friend of mine!

I think these are ideas that maybe are just being brought up after a few drinks and I do hope these are just flights of fancy.

I don't think it's a flight of fancy. I think your DP has used drink to get the courage to bring up the subject with you.

I'd tell him categorically that you aren't doing it. If it is the beginning of Dementia it's a long and very brutal illness. You would have be an absolute saint to seek one your DP's DF into your home if you think he might have the start if Dementia.

If he's neglecting his home, encourage your DP to fill in the Attendance Allowance firms and get him to talk to his DF about LPAs for both health and finance and apply for them urgently.

If DF is lonely, what social activities is he going to now? I know they are not the complete answer to loneliness but they can help. I'd also be very reluctant to provide companionship and support for him if he's not doing anything himself to alleviate his loneliness.

Thank you all for the comments. I really appreciate it

My FIL in my opinion needs to swallow some pride and join activities for older people and not stagnate in pools of nostalgia which appears to be the case at the minute.

It just seems from my spouses perspective the final years (or decades?) should be spent near family. I also think there is fear of care homes and the reliance on strangers for caring needs.

I do take a point made above that even though currently there are just hints and certainly nothing concrete is happening at the moment if I keep my silence that could be mistaken for acquiescence at a future point.

Wallowing on nostalgia can also be a sign of early dementia. I would seriously sit your DO down and talk to him about getting things like LPA in place now. The longer he leaves things the more difficult it may be long term.

As someone who is getting sucked into caring by not putting effective barriers in or by having had the difficult conversations, I would strongly advise you to work out your preferred options & state them to DP now, preferably in writing.

Removes the risk of "well, you never said...".

Family = dil?

Don't do it! What the betting you'll get sucked into caring for him eventually?

Put the skids under that idea right now before in turns into a drip, drip, drip to wear you down.

My DH wouldn't countenance any suggestion of my mother moving in but then again I've put the kybosh on any suggestions of any such thing in his side of the family (not that anyone would ask for it).

This. If FIL needs help, he and your DP need to look at the financial side of things and what help he might be entitled to. and work out how this can be paid for.

*DP

Can I recommend that you watch The Father, which I think is on iplayer or 4od at the moment. It allowed me to very firmly state to DH that I would never, ever have his parents (or mine) come to live with us under any circumstances ever.
I was already determined that that was the case, but watching that film together was the catalyst for a VERY firm conversation.

I agree with the posters who have suggested retirement living accommodation. My MIL and FIL moved into one when they became unable to cope with maintaining their property, and MIL now lives there alone after FIL's death. It's really convenient (on-site laundry room etc) and there's a downstairs restaurant and lounge where he can chat to the other residents. But he'd have his own flat if he doesn't fancy socialising that day. It's a really good halfway house between living independently and a residential care home.

Watching that with your DP is an excellent suggestion