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Elderly parents
Original poster

I feel I should be posting on a board about toddlers not elderly parents.

129 replies

MissMarplesNiece · 09/02/2023 10:49

I have never known such a performance from a grown woman. DM is diabetic. Her blood sugar is out of control. She helps herself to biscuits & chocolate bars etc. Every morning she claims her blood sugar is so low she needs 2 spoons of sugar in her tea, this is despite her blood glucose readings of 12, 14, 18 and even 21 this week (normal is between 6 & 7). Low is below 4.

Yesterday she had an opticians appointment. I got a frantic call from nephew (DM lives with sister) because DM was having a temper tantrum because she was refused sugar in her tea (glucose 12.5 before breakfast). She was refusing to get dressed and wailing like a banshee. She was vile to my BiL and caused my sister to be late for work - keeping a sitting judge waiting. My nephew recorded part of her tantrum because I thought I wouldn't believe him. It was truly awful, when I say wailing I'm not exaggerating.

When I challenged her she said they're all liars, she never has biscuits or chocolate. She's never asked for sugar in her tea etc.

I feel (and my sister) that I am at my wits end with her. If she was a toddler we could make her sit on the naughty step, or whatever parents do with toddlers. A grown, adult woman who has agency & capacity but choses to behave like a spoilt child? What can I do?

OP posts:
Wishiwasatailor · 09/02/2023 10:52

she probably feels rotten because her sugars are high. Just agree switch to stevia instead of sugar diabetic biscuits instead of regular etc. at the end of a day she is an adult and can make choices to ignore her health condition

Dacadactyl · 09/02/2023 10:53

I would 100% leave her to it.

If she wants sugar, let her have it. If she ends up with no legs or whatever, it's on her. I'd be telling her straight "don't think I'm gonna be pushing you around in a wheelchair when this gets out of hand. You're being ridiculous and you're going to listen to us. Or you're on your own and will have to sort everything out yourself."

Wishiwasatailor · 09/02/2023 10:53

if she’s got agency and capacity and is being denied something she wants she probably feels like she is being treated like a toddler so is acting like one on response

Julen7 · 09/02/2023 10:56

I think it’s quite common for the elderly to revert to toddler behaviour. Been through it with my dad. Could be related to decline in health, frustration with life, lack of available options etc. I know infuriating but try and cut her some slack.

antipodeancanary · 09/02/2023 10:57

Why are you all bullying your Mum? Stop it. Really stop it now. She is allowed to do whatever she wants. If she has capacity you are being abusive. If she doesn't, involve professionals

Dacadactyl · 09/02/2023 10:57

Wishiwasatailor · 09/02/2023 10:53

if she’s got agency and capacity and is being denied something she wants she probably feels like she is being treated like a toddler so is acting like one on response

That's all well and good but she can't then expect OP and her sister to be putting their lives on hold to look after her.

Lottapianos · 09/02/2023 10:59

Jesus OP, I have actual boatloads of sympathy for you. My MIL was the same - wildly uncontrolled diabetes and absolute refusal to take any responsibility for it. Cakes, chocolates, sweets etc. Refused to use her blood sugar monitor, said she 'couldnt remember ' how it worked. Regularly told us how worried she was that she would end up having a foot removed, as her grandmother did, but did jack shit to try to make sure that didn't happen

We never had wailing tantrums, but she loved the fuss, and got a lot out of it, while we were pulling out hair out. Youre right, it is like trying to manage a toddler who is digging their heels in. The thing is though, she is an adult, so you're not responsible for her. As others have said, I would let her crack on. Just refuse to play the game any more. I would stop discussing her health completely - that's what my DP had to do with MIL for his own sanity

Good luck, I really feel for you

Mischance · 09/02/2023 11:01

I think she should be left to sink or swim and make her own decisions, albeit bad ones. I would start looking for sheltered accommodation for her - there is no way your sister and family can live with this. If your sister simply says she cannot have her there any longer, then the LA will have to find somewhere for her as homeless.

If she is to be treated as someone with mental capacity, then she should be regarded as capable of living elsewhere. Your sister and her family cannot endure this.

Wishiwasatailor · 09/02/2023 11:04

@Dacadactyl Treat her like an adult who is aware of the risks of continuing to ignore her medical consition

DoraChance · 09/02/2023 11:05

It's easy to say leave her to it but ultimately it's OP and her sister who will have to look after her when she becomes unwell due to diabetes complications. You have my sympathy OP, I have a similar situation with my dad, it's very hard.

Dacadactyl · 09/02/2023 11:07

Wishiwasatailor · 09/02/2023 11:04

@Dacadactyl Treat her like an adult who is aware of the risks of continuing to ignore her medical consition

Yes, I agree. So I would be having a full and frank chat with her saying "you're on your own if continue this absolute bollocks"

UnashamedLabelHo · 09/02/2023 11:08

Drop the rope.

And get her to sign something you typed up to amuse yourself saying she won’t be wanting help from you or anyone else that tried to help her when diabetes related issues come up. See if she does it!

countrygirl99 · 09/02/2023 11:09

I think I'd tell her she can eat what she wants but if it's not something I'd normally get in (neither of us take sugar and we just have a few sachets from bought coffees for visitors) then she'll need to get it in herself.

xycyxb · 09/02/2023 11:13

antipodeancanary · 09/02/2023 10:57

Why are you all bullying your Mum? Stop it. Really stop it now. She is allowed to do whatever she wants. If she has capacity you are being abusive. If she doesn't, involve professionals

Bullying?

Jesus.

Badger1970 · 09/02/2023 11:14

Is she insulin dependent?

gamerchick · 09/02/2023 11:22

My ex mil was the same. We would have to go clear the house of sugar stuff frequently. It ended up killing her though as she just refused to believe it was that serious.

There are a lot of sugar free biscuits and stuff on the market now and alternatives for sugar but it's still not ideal. My husband has learned hard lessons about his diabetes of late because he wouldn't take it seriously either. Now he does because he got a fright.

It has to come from her.

Personally I'd go through her funeral arrangements with her before her eyes go or something if she insists on not taking her health seriously.

Rowthe · 09/02/2023 11:27

You havent mentioned how old she is.

Depending on the rest of her health she may not have long left anyway.

Why dont you let her enjoy her last few months/ years?

Obviously if shes a lot younger she should be taking better care, but then I wouldn't expect others to be caring for her or making decisions on what she can or cant eat

HumourReplacementTherapy · 09/02/2023 11:31

Just treat her like you would a toddler. Ignore it.
Her life
Her choice.
But make it clear you won't be enabling her or becoming her carer.
I take it she's Type 2 or she'd be dead by now if T1 if she's not on insulin?

Hoowhoowho · 09/02/2023 11:37

Why is her diabetes not being properly managed? It would be a good idea to drop sugar in tea, reduce chocolate and biscuits etc but if she won’t then medication up to and including insulin should enable her to eat more of what she chooses while keeping sugars stable.

she needs diabetic team input urgently.
When was her last HBA1C? Is she taking metformin or alternatives?

Hoowhoowho · 09/02/2023 11:41

With such astoundingly high sugars she will feel exhausted and unwell and her behaviour is likely to be extreme. Blood glucose of 21 is hospital level and if her fasting glucose ie pre breakfast is that high then diet will not change it, she needs appropriate medication . High glucose will also make her hungry and sugar craving.

Your mother is not the problem here, diabetic management is the issue. This is medical neglect.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 09/02/2023 11:44

Send her links to outside agencies like taxi firms, and ss because you aren't being her puppets anymore.. Suggest she finds sheltered housing where a warden can be around.

Fink · 09/02/2023 12:06

Depends whose house it is, to a certain extent. If your sister and her family are living in your mum's house, that's a different set up to if she moved in with them. Also, whether they in together on the understanding that it was to help provide care or something. It also depends on her general ability to look after herself (diabetes notwithstanding), whether she has any issues with memory, dementia and so on.

If there's nothing underlying going on, I would be tempted to let her get on with it. If she wants to kill herself or cause a permanent diability, that's her choice. But I would first be checking what her doctor has recommended and whether she's waiting on any more referrals or treatment, because those are very high fasting blood sugar levels.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 12:08

Jesus Christ! Let the woman do what she wants!!! I cannot believe your sister and her ‘sitting judge’ husband are so bullying towards an elderly woman. Your poor mum. I agree, support your mum to get in to a supported living situation. You all need to take a serious look at yourselves. You have massively overstepped the line.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 12:11

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Dacadactyl · 09/02/2023 12:11

@Eyerollcentral I think you've misread the post. I took it to mean that OPs sister works in the legal system and because of her mum's tantrum was late to work and so, "kept a sitting judge waiting". Not that OPs BIL acts like a sitting judge.