I feel I should be posting on a board about toddlers not elderly parents.

[MissMarplesNiece]

I have never known such a performance from a grown woman. DM is diabetic. Her blood sugar is out of control. She helps herself to biscuits & chocolate bars etc. Every morning she claims her blood sugar is so low she needs 2 spoons of sugar in her tea, this is despite her blood glucose readings of 12, 14, 18 and even 21 this week (normal is between 6 & 7). Low is below 4.

Yesterday she had an opticians appointment. I got a frantic call from nephew (DM lives with sister) because DM was having a temper tantrum because she was refused sugar in her tea (glucose 12.5 before breakfast). She was refusing to get dressed and wailing like a banshee. She was vile to my BiL and caused my sister to be late for work - keeping a sitting judge waiting. My nephew recorded part of her tantrum because I thought I wouldn't believe him. It was truly awful, when I say wailing I'm not exaggerating.

When I challenged her she said they're all liars, she never has biscuits or chocolate. She's never asked for sugar in her tea etc.

I feel (and my sister) that I am at my wits end with her. If she was a toddler we could make her sit on the naughty step, or whatever parents do with toddlers. A grown, adult woman who has agency & capacity but choses to behave like a spoilt child? What can I do?

Is there anything OP or her sister can do about this - presumably they can't really make their mother go to the diabetic nurse or ask for any sort of review, if she has capacity?

I was wondering how the responses would read if she were an alcoholic demanding vodka in her tea... the physiological damage is ballpark similar.

This is good advice. She isn’t a toddler so you can’t tell her what to do. You and your sister need to decide on your boundaries and stick to them. For your sister that may mean no longer living with Mum.

This ^^ Obviously she is going to be craving sugar to the point of screaming for it. Poor woman.

I'm diabetic, and if my blood sugars are running high then all I crave is something sugary and carb dense. It's taken years of self control to learn not to give into it.

Does she have a diabetic nurse? She really needs medical supervision if she's getting sugar readings of above 20 as that's when it's doing damage. She may need insulin if she's not already on it.

Please don't shout at her - get her to the specialist nurse asap.

My df is in his 90’s.
His finances are in a mess and he’s paying at least 2k too much tax a year.
I gave up trying to sort it when he yelled at me for interfering.
I don’t care anymore. He’s one incident from a nursing home which is his worst fear but he won’t let me help with anything.

We had similar issues with my Nan. Not diabetes but a medical condition which caused a lot of pain, easily managed with pain killers..

She refused to take the painkillers, she would hide the ones we gave her. If she did agree to take some, she would take 1 paracetamol tablet.

But yet would be constantly phoning me and my Mum crying that she was in pain, or calling ambulances. I spent numerous hours with her whilst she screamed and sobbed in pain, refusing to take her medication.

A year later she was diagnosed with dementia. She actually passed 2 out of the 3 tests for dementia, and got one of their highest scores ever for naming words that start with the letter F so medical staff were still dubious as to whether dementia was a firm diagnosis. 8 months later there was no doubt she had it.

So l would say your Mum needs to see a doctor, but if she refuses there isn't much you can do other than make an adult care referral and see if they can help.

If she denies any of this happens, ask her if she agrees to clear all biscuits, sweets, sugar etc out of the house completely. Her reaction should be quite revealing, and can then lead to a serious conversation about the fact that if she carries on she will become seriously ill and lose her limbs and cannot assume you will be running around to help her.

Does your sister and her family actually have to live there? Might it help for them to move out?

I can't believe some people are calling the OP and her sister bullies. They are trying to keep their mum alive and in full possession of her limbs and eyesight!
The grandson was panicking and that is why he made the recording - to show the OP what was happening. He's not a 'little prick' as some have said. It's very disconcerting for children when the adults in their lives start behaving like kids themselves.

I agree that medical intervention is needed here. No one can live like this.

Agree with the other posters.

Your mum is a adult and I am assuming she has capacity, she is likely acting like a child as she is being treated as one. If your sister does not want to deal with the possible medical emergency then they need to discuss your mum living somewhere else.

It's all well and good calling this medical negligence (actually it's not all well and good!). But the doctors/diabetic nurses don't live with their patients 24 hours/day and can't live their lives for them. I'm interested to hear how HCP should police their patients' breakfast choices for them on a daily basis.

There may well have been hours and hours of professional advice given, plus reams of prescriptions, but if someone chooses to ignore it (for whatever reason), there is sod all that the medical professionals can do to force the issue. And actually the family is ultimately in the same position. If a person has capacity and chooses to make poor decisions, that is up to them. You are legally allowed to make crap decisions for yourself!

In other words, it's not always someone else's fault ---

(I'd be very tempted to ask the DM here what she understands her blood sugar readings to mean, and why she thinks they are going up like this).

Why was she refused sugar? She is an adult with mental capacity, who can decide for herself what she wants.

DN and her sister had not right to refuse her sugar in her own home.

@BurntOutGirl if she can get herself to and from doctors appointments, cook all her own food, do all her own personal care then that's fine...she can eat as much shit as she wants. The minute she needs help to do any of this stuff is the minute a stern talking to is required.

When things have all calmed down, have a quiet conversation and ask her if she knows the damage high blood sugars cause, and if she knows what sends blood sugar high. If she denies it's caused by eating sweet things then test her blood, give her a spoonful of honey and then re-test 10 minutes later. Show her the actual figures that detail the fact that sweet things push blood sugar up.

I'm type 1 diabetic and I agree you need to get her to the diabetic unit asap for treatment and advice. It might sink in from a medical professional.

Its possible that someone with wildly uncontrolled diabetes does NOT have "normal capacity".

www.verywellhealth.com/is-anger-at-a-spouse-normal-with-diabetes-1087327

"extremes of both hypoglycemia or hyperglycemia can lead to cognitive impairment, confusion, loss of self-control, or hallucinations.These conditions should be considered a medical emergency."

Eye tests at the opticians will demonstrate irrefutable diabetic damage to sight ;  which may explain her avoidance.

If she has capacity your abusing her.

You cannot treat adults like this and expect them to say oh ok yes I’ll do as I’m told.

Old age is awful let her do what she likes.

Indeed. As she is checking blood glucose levels regularly, she will be on insulin and/or one of the newer diabetic agents, and her primary care diabetic nurse will be checking her HbA1C levels, so will be well aware that she is not complying with dietary recommendations. An HCP can give her advice; they can't make her follow it.

Most diabetics are non-compliant, to some extent. Most people with any long-term condition are non-compliant to some extent. Adults with capacity have the right to make foolish choices. If the family are infantilising her to the point of denying her sugar in her tea, it is not surprising that she is responding with infantile behaviour.

And then always be there to pick up the pieces afterwards? How about older people takle responsibility for their health and wellbeing, same as everyone else has to?

I totally agree. However the OP didn't say that her DM was dependent in that way

Yes I can tell by the obesity epidemic and rates of non alcoholic liver cirrhosis everyone else is taking care of their health.

Its abuse. If an adult wants sugar in their tea despite knowing the consequences you don’t have the right to stop them.

I have personally given up as diabetic relatives who insist they are fine with eating and drinking sugar, and that is is just fat that diabetics need to watch out for.

If she has capacity your abusing her.

Absolute rubbish! If she expects her Dd to feed her then her Dd had every right to deny her something which could be harmful to her! If the old lady doesn’t like it she can move out.

And then always be there to pick up the pieces afterwards? How about older people takle responsibility for their health and wellbeing, same as everyone else has to?

ROFL at the idea that everyone apart from the elderly looks after their health.

I love that attitude on here. 'do what you want to your body, the NHS will pick up the pieces'. 'it isn't an A&E emergency, the NHS is on its knees yanno. Take more responsibility for your own health' and 'you wouldnt need a GP appointment if you looked after your diabetes, my son has an ingrowing toenail and we can't get a GP appointment because of people like you' and on it goes.

Personally I find that the louder they wail, the more their arse drops when the 'support' is withdrawn. Tell her fine, do what you want and don't mention it to her again.

Our MIL only decided to take diabetes seriously after getting pancreatic cancer. Previously she drank cans of full sugar Coke and cake and anything else she fancied because “it kept her awake”.