DH wants his freedom

[Keepmyshttogether]

Cannot sleep and trying to make sense in my head, please help me to see this.

long intro, sorry: DH, 30 years together, solid marriage, financial comfort, DD 16. The only issue is sex: I’m not orgasming, so I am less enthusiastic about sex, he feels his self-confidence suffers because of it.

he gave me a speach: love you, respect you, always will be there for you, but I need my freedom to live my life to the fullest. He started seeing other people immediately after.

we now live separately (we have two places as were trying to sell one of them, glad it didn’t happen yet), so it’s not unusual for us to travel in between places for work and social commitments. I haven’t seen him in person since he started his sexual re-discovery journey. DD doesn’t know anything yet, as she is boarding for the week and we are taking turns with her on the weekends.

We text each other on admin matters, no arguments or being difficult, but I am lost what to do next.my dilemma is that I love him, he is the best husband and father I can wish for, never had any doubts about his loyalty or principles.

is this his midlife crisis and do I accept my new reality and is it possible in your experience to rebuild the life together after something like this, maybe in a different format? He is clearly struggling, pushing himself to engage with others to renew his self-esteem.

Beautiful South song came to mind.

He’s a twat and as such is not the best husband you could wish for.

What did he try to make sex more enjoyable for you?

what is the rest of your life like. You live separately are you carving out a life for yourself with hobbies and friends while he’s discovering women who aren’t too jaded with him yet to fake an orgasm.

Wow that’s a new level of selfishness.

I think you start a Tinder profile and start sleeping with other men and let him know about it too. I feel that might help your self esteem alot. Posts like this make it really really hard to trust men. Imagine giving 30 of your prime years to a guy to be treated like this because HE cant make you orgasm. Go find somebody who can.

Don't be foolish OP. He's not any of the things you said.

Pushing himself to engage?
Tell him that now you’ve thought about it you agree and that you’d really like to experience a fulfilling sex life too.

If he was the best husband and father
he wouldn't have gone off to have sex with other women would he OP?
He is struggling with his self esteem? What about yours?
Honestly OP he is obviously not the loyal man with principles you thought he was. A loyal man with principles does not betray his wedding vows for his own gratification.

I honestly don't see how a marriage is worth saving after such selfish and hurtful behaviour.

Pretend to do the same OP, he won’t like that at all. Or actually do it if you want to!

Find your anger! Imagine if this situation were reversed. How you'd treat him.

His penis is more important to him than you.

He will find out there AREN'T a horde of women waiting to service his sexual ego eventually. But that doesn't mean you should allow yourself to be the booby prize.

Really bad behaviour on his part. It may be a mid life crisis but he’s throwing so much away. At some point he may meet someone he wants to be with completely so it is worth preparing yourself for divorce. You may be surprised in the long run at how much happier you can be.

I think you already know the answer OP, your heart just needs a little more time to accept it.

The fact he started seeing other women immediately indicates he'd moved on in his head way before he gave his little speech. He may be having some sort of mid life crisis, and may come crawling back when he realises the grass isn't greener, but imo, you'd be a fool to take him back. You can't water a dead garden back to life. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

You need to to adjust, and to accept your marriage is over. He's having his cake and eating it whist you sit waiting for him. Stop waiting for him and start organising your life. Your dd needs to be told that her perfect dad has decided to leave you. You need to see a financial adviser and or solicitor to start sorting out your finances. Can you afford both homes etc. Its gonna be bloody hard but don't burry your head in sand. Do your families know? Friends?

Is he actually seeing other woman! Not so many women out there begging for sex from an older man. Did he ever explore you lack of enjoyment during sex! Sounds like an arse. You are better of without him. Perhaps start your life without him. Go out with a friend or just go for a swim. Do something for you. Id not be waiting to take him back. Good luck

I'd strongly suspect he isn't 'seeing other people' in a dating sense but that there was one already lined up and you've been given a background story that doesn't make him the bad guy.

And your daughter isn't daft. She must have some idea. You need to tell her. Better than her finding out accidentally.

Sorry you are going through this.

Wow! So many of you commented, thank you!

I don't agree. I feel for you, really I do. It's painful but he saw old age and death looming and faced the fact he was wasting away. Not your fault, its true and if you feel unhappy and unfulfilled, it is perfectly ok to reach for more if you try to keep hurt to a minimum. He is an adult and has the right to make choices. His reasons given are his business and its probably much more painful for him than a penis. He has been honest and is trying to make his way, would you all really prefer someone to feel trapped and miserable and have only that to look back on when sitting in the nursing home?

I think some of these responses are a bit unfair. If a woman posted to say she couldn't live in a sexless marriage any longer she would be supported.

I am very angry, but also in pain. I knew he was unhappy and withdrawn, but I thought work, health difficulties, teenager parenting is difficult, I thought it will pass.

instead he decided to go with the most drastic approach to cut all so he doesn’t have an option to comeback to the same level of unhappiness he apparently felt

I am certain he started active search only after the talk and that there was no one else before.

but he was certainly thinking about this for a while

It doesn't sound sexless though? Just she isn't as into it as previous. And yeah good luck finding women that want to have casual sex with a 50 yr old man...

I do understand his reasoning. It wasn’t a sexless marriage as such, we would go through ups and downs, would have periods of extreme closeness, but recently had a dry spell of a few months.

That’s the problem, he will be spoiled for choice: handsome, into the healthy lifestyle, generous.

How long had your lack of enthusiasm for sex been going on? Decades or just recently? Did either of you try to address it? Talk about it?

Or is this a case of him staying until your dd had finished her gcses?

yes he is. I’ve asked, he honestly answered without going into details.

sex is a different kind of beast, I think if he would see me enjoying it more he would try harder and if he would try harder I would enjoy it more. We would end up with quick business without much passion, almost on biological needs level and I would want to engage less because of it

He doesn’t want to cause any distress to her at all. He is child of a nasty divorce where his father never saw him again after the divorce and he is absolutely dreading any upset for DD