DH wants his freedom

[Keepmyshttogether]

Cannot sleep and trying to make sense in my head, please help me to see this.

long intro, sorry: DH, 30 years together, solid marriage, financial comfort, DD 16. The only issue is sex: I’m not orgasming, so I am less enthusiastic about sex, he feels his self-confidence suffers because of it.

he gave me a speach: love you, respect you, always will be there for you, but I need my freedom to live my life to the fullest. He started seeing other people immediately after.

we now live separately (we have two places as were trying to sell one of them, glad it didn’t happen yet), so it’s not unusual for us to travel in between places for work and social commitments. I haven’t seen him in person since he started his sexual re-discovery journey. DD doesn’t know anything yet, as she is boarding for the week and we are taking turns with her on the weekends.

We text each other on admin matters, no arguments or being difficult, but I am lost what to do next.my dilemma is that I love him, he is the best husband and father I can wish for, never had any doubts about his loyalty or principles.

is this his midlife crisis and do I accept my new reality and is it possible in your experience to rebuild the life together after something like this, maybe in a different format? He is clearly struggling, pushing himself to engage with others to renew his self-esteem.

“CinnamonJellyBeans · Today 07:33
I think your marriage is over and you will not start to recover until you can resign yourself to this.
I would be very surprised that any man would risk his family simply because he has gone 3 months without sex with you. He has been planning this for a long time. He's trying to work out a way to keep you on side so you don't divorce him and take all his money. You should divorce him. He is a horrible man. You don't deserve this.”

I’m sorry you’re in this position, OP, but i think his behaviour is appalling and your marriage is over. He’s a dreadful husband to behave like this after a few months of sexual distance in your relationship. An open marriage requires both parties to be equally happy and comfortable with the situation. That’s not the case here. And why are you so sure he only started contacting women after your conversation? You can’t believe what he says about this. It’s very common for philanderers to lie about when their new love interest came along. Please try to find your anger.

@Keepmyshttogether - oh, what a shock, your world has been turned upside down. I’m afraid though that I disagree with the general consensus on this thread. Life is for living, we only have one life and if I were in a close to sexless relationship or where I felt affection were being withheld, I would leave that relationship. With big caveat that maybe first I would try relationship counselling to see if the marriage were salvageable.

I forget the precise divorce statistics but IIRC, one on three marriages end in divorce. And I suspect where you marriage lies.

Three suggestions:

1. see if your husband is amenable to relationship counselling
2. get counselling for yourself
3. work out together, with a 3rd party if needs be, how you move towards amicable separation and continued smooth ‘administration’, tbe best interests of DD and an equitable financial split

my decision whether to carry on as partners and co-parents, helping each other and living occasionally together, whilst accepting he or we both would have other connections or cut it all off, endure a harsh divorce and only co-parent

it was my decision to move out to move out to allow myself time and space to process all

Your 16 yo daughter needs a version of the truth (without the details of her parents sex life) such a "trial seperation" or something. She will know something is off even if she is pushed out of the house most of the time. If you want to maintain a relationship with her at all you need to talk to her.

He couldn't give you an orgasm, didn't try harder, so he stopped trying as that made him feel less than, and he walked away? 🤔

I bet you he found another woman, she had an orgasm (possibly faked who knows?) and he felt like a king and his little bruised ego was lifted.

Sorry OP, but this one is a twat.
I would be focusing on giving myself an orgasm, and getting a divorce. 💯

ETA: did you used to have orgasms OP?
I found that when I was on meds for PPD (sertraline) 💊 my libido dived and I could not orgasm, yet once I came off them (with GP supervision) my libido bounced back.
@Keepmyshttogether

Do you like eating with dirty cutlery?
No. None of us do.
Get rid of him.
He’s clearly struggling my arse.

I’ve never posted before, must be same name I took to post here. Cannot speak about this with anyone IRL as don’t want this to come to DE

He sounds insufferable. Divorce him. He's made his choice which is mainly motivated by shagging. That tells you all you need to know. I think you need to find your rage OP.

I find it so odd when people go digging up other posts

Actually, I think she needs to find her acceptance tbe marriage is over and move on (easier said than done!). Living together as ‘friends’ ain’t going to work - well, unless maybe you have a mansion with separate wings!

I should have checked if the name was used before, especially in such “specialised” topic 🫣

You need to remove your rose tinted glasses and then you will be able to see what a cunt this man is and that he is treating you with utter contempt.

Super grim, OP. Do you have any friends or family you can lean on for support in real life? Or some counselling may help.

This is absolutely no way to live, he is treating you with disrespect, and it’s all on his terms.

I get you may not be ready to leave, and you may not choose to leave, but I think you should consider your own happiness and explore how you want your life to be.

They all say they'll be fair about finances until it comes to it or they meet miss rebound who begrudges the wife anything. Also, it's not for him to decide..

💯 every time

If I were you I would do the amenable co parenting thing and just have some fun yourself like he is. Set a timeline on it like 1 year. Seeing you confident and pursued by other men might give him a wake up.. It's not you or anything you've done. He just wants something new that's all. And if he is spoiled for choice then trust me you will be too. You don't think so yet because of what he has done to your self esteem but you will be.

Maybe if he gets it out of his system he will fully come back to you? If you have been together 30 yrs with a 16 yr old you must have met early 20s? When it comes to very long marriages with children morals become quite complicated. If I were you I would give him the time and space and start dating other men casually myself whilst keeping a very clear eye on finances, joint accounts, pensions etc so he doesn't blind side you.

He has left you... And found an excuse that doesn't make him look bad in case you tell your friends.
He has a new woman already/lined up and is planning a future..
At 50 he could easily start another family. Find your inner anger/strength for DD and get divorce underway with a bigger split to you. Not sure how things are financially but if you only worked part time when DD was small you may be eligible for pension etc. You may need to protect this for your DD.
You can remain civil, Co parent quite amicably but you get your ducks in a row for DD who may need financial support for a few years if planning university. Good luck

You might be one of the unlucky 10% OP of women who can't orgasm. I suggest you buy some toys and find out.

As for your husband he's jump off that cliff rather then communicating. There is no coming back from it I suggest you seek a good lawyer all fine to say oh yes it's 50/50 split when theoretical but it's common for that to change when reality hits.

Hmm, 30 years of marriage, a child and all finances and a life built together all over in a flash as someone hasn't had an orgasm for a few months.

Honestly, what a load of childish tosh.

So, how did he feel when you were unwell with the flu, or just had your DD? Did he lose his sh!t because he didn't have any sex for a few weeks? Suddenly his 50-something self (or is he older) is super virile and he feels deeply about making you climax.

Or, he is just another selfish tosser who wants out of his marriage because some 25 - 35 year old down the gym looked in his direction one day and smiled and now he thinks he has Brad Pitt silver fox status.

He thinks you'll be happier with someone else who can give you the Shirley Valentine experience on the Greek boat? I've seen some gaslighting and manipulation on here but that is a new one. Oh, I'm doing it for your sake....poor me.

Shortly you will find out that he has someone else on the go, or in mind.

The best thing to do here is a) get your ducks in order. See a solicitor, get copies of everything, have your plan in place and b) pretend you don't care, don't speak to him, go out, have a good time, work on yourself. Show him that you thrive without him, not wilt.

He'll be back when he realises that that orgasm cost him 50%+ of everything, that he has no clean underpants, and that all the takeaways have made his beer belly even bigger. He may go and dilly dally with a few women, but he'll be blinded by magnificent light protruding from his golden penis and one day soon wake up with someone and her massive baggage carousel and wish he'd kept his gob shut and pants on and was back in your house with his real family.

Don’t move out- please consult a lawyer. He has already planned this all out and when you clock on to that fact, it may be too late in terms of any divorce settlement.

Well you found out that what he really values is sex and being made to feel like the great lover he isn't, haven't you?

Just let him go, before his piece on the side turns out to be a carbon copy of you 20 years ago and he leaves you for her.

You are worth more.

Well good for him, eh.

What a selfish, into-himself guy, and insecure to boot, which is what is driving this new lifestyle, while you get parked in the garage like his first car kept for nostalgia. A marriage is more than just sensational sex until the day you both drop dead.

I'd be moving one if I were you OP, for sure.

Sorry you have been treated like this and he hasn't had the decency to work on where he might not be meeting your needs. I hope you also have a new lease of life just around the corner.

Thank you all so much for keeping me company this miserable morning, glad I’ve managed to open up about this, tired of keep pretending all is good to the rest of the world.

will check this thread later in the lunch break.

Op Sorry to be so crude but have you ever managed to orgasm through sex toys that might be a better option at the moment

I suggest you fake it, like so many of us do. Oh Roger that was amazing, then roll over and think about the upcoming drop of Rivals.