DH wants his freedom

[Keepmyshttogether]

Cannot sleep and trying to make sense in my head, please help me to see this.

long intro, sorry: DH, 30 years together, solid marriage, financial comfort, DD 16. The only issue is sex: I’m not orgasming, so I am less enthusiastic about sex, he feels his self-confidence suffers because of it.

he gave me a speach: love you, respect you, always will be there for you, but I need my freedom to live my life to the fullest. He started seeing other people immediately after.

we now live separately (we have two places as were trying to sell one of them, glad it didn’t happen yet), so it’s not unusual for us to travel in between places for work and social commitments. I haven’t seen him in person since he started his sexual re-discovery journey. DD doesn’t know anything yet, as she is boarding for the week and we are taking turns with her on the weekends.

We text each other on admin matters, no arguments or being difficult, but I am lost what to do next.my dilemma is that I love him, he is the best husband and father I can wish for, never had any doubts about his loyalty or principles.

is this his midlife crisis and do I accept my new reality and is it possible in your experience to rebuild the life together after something like this, maybe in a different format? He is clearly struggling, pushing himself to engage with others to renew his self-esteem.

His level of selfishness is off the charts. He made vows and I'm sorry he doesn't get to feel worried about the impact on his DD when he could choose to try and work on improving sex within marriage, and keeping his vows and NOT causing that impact on DD. .

He's going to cause impact on his DD, he's decided his penis is more important than stability for his child.

He also seems to have unilaterally decided for OP how she should feel, which I'm guessing has been a feature of the marriage so far. He doesn't get to to decide that. He doesn't get to decide that everything other than sex stays the same in terms of co-parenting etc when he's broken the biggest promise you can make to another person. OP gets to decide how she feels and acts.

Find your rage OP.

Your marriage has ended in everything but name. I suggest you both speak to your DD and get things under way with your solicitors.

He sounds like a real Prince Charming - not!

Find your anger @Keepmyshttogether and stop defending someone who has hurt you so much.

Oh get rid of him once and for all.

I wonder how many other women he’s been with that can’t orgasm! 😂

Op, you’re on a great position financially. Live your life. Enjoy it.

This is not a marriage. He wants you there to keep his home together and look after DD, but he wants his relationships elsewhere. What an absolute prick.
Please don’t allow him to keep disrespecting you and your daughter in this way without ANY consequences. You both deserve so much better.

I think your marriage is over and you will not start to recover until you can resign yourself to this.

I would be very surprised that any man would risk his family simply because he has gone 3 months without sex with you. He has been planning this for a long time. He's trying to work out a way to keep you on side so you don't divorce him and take all his money. You should divorce him. He is a horrible man. You don't deserve this.

Why are you acting like you have a choice?

He has already left you….

He’s saying he still loves you and wants to be with you because he either doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or to keep you as a back up option if it doesn’t work out with his new woman - probably a bit of both.

He couldn’t make it more clear that he doesn’t want to be with you.

And it's normal for women when they go through menopause to find sex a bit more difficult. That's the 'in sickness and in health' bit. It definitely covers menopause. OP sounds like she would have been willing to work on it.

This is the sleaziest move a father can make. His poor DD. Let's just hope he doesn't end up with someone closer in age to her than him because that will be extra grim. Based on his behaviour so far, I'm not hopeful. He obviously thinks his every want matters more than anyone else and any promises he's made don't mean much if he decides he wants to break them for selfish reasons.

Until there's another woman he is in love with and wants to prioritise.
Get the ball rolling ASAP.

I suspect you are in a bit of shock and that is why you haven't got to the anger stage yet. You are in denial that the marriage is over, which it is. If he was to come back to you tomorrow and say he has made a huge mistake, you would never trust him again and it would never be the same. You would always be waiting for him to go off again.

I think you need to sort the financial arrangements as soon as possible before he starts to be influenced by the OW.

So sorry this has happened to you. I have been there. It is horrible. Don't focus on him and how he may be feeling - you need to think about you and be kind to yourself.

He's 50, not 70! He will be spoilt for choice if he's not completely hideous.

How long has it been since you started living separately? You say you haven’t seen each other in person, just texts, so it’s not really a relationship any longer. I think the best thing for you is to start focusing on how you build a life without him in it. I think you need to come to terms with the idea that your marriage is over. What’s the alternative? Wait and hope he comes back? Even if he does, the chances of either of you being happy again together is slim, it would be a long, cruel drawn out way to come to the conclusion that you need to split up.

time to lick your wounds and put yourself first.

Hmmm, I’ve heard of lots of men who say that to begin wth but then change their mind! I would get divorced now as get the best arrangement possible.

I can assure you he is not 'spoiled for choice' he might want you to think so but unless he is 6"4, a doctor, under 35 and also really handsome then he will fare as badly on the apps as anyone other man. Look I am not judging either of you and you should do what you want. Why don't you try other partners too if he wants an open marriage? It reignite your passion around sex, you could really have some fun?

Maybe if he wasn't so crap at sex you would. This isn't a you problem this is a him problem. Take him for all hes worth.

I dont want to sound harsh because theres something im not getting but: i dont think you have this dilemma/decision to make?

With luck he'll find out shagging around ain't all that, will pick up an STI and run what he's lost.
Meanwhile you will build a beautiful life for yourself and have your own financial security.

Autocorrect - should say rue what he's lost.

Men are not spoilt for choice on the apps. especially 50 yr old men. Not many women want casual sex unless they themselves are quite frankly, pretty hideous. Look up the stats on how many matches men get (especially men over 50). My husband and briefly separated last year, he is early 50's I'm late 40's. We both went on apps. I had over 10 000 likes on Tinder in a week. He had barely a few hundred mainly from older women.

You need to get ANGRY.

How dare he push you aside like an old pair of slippers, but want to keep you still by the fire? The second he did that he lost all moral high ground. He doesn’t deserve 50/50 of your shared assets. You have sacrificed for your family. He can’t be bothered to. Your DD is highly unlikely to want to live with him once she finds out, so you will be housing her for the foreseeable, possibly even during or after university.

If he is going to find an adoring young woman, it is entirely possible he will go on to have more children. You need to make sure your old age is provided for.

Get ANGRY. Find the financial documents and be proactive about securing your own future. That doesn’t need to involve dating yourself now if ever unless you want it to.

Sorry, to clarify: have you never orgasmed and he is only taking issue with this now? Or the not orgasming is a more recent thing?

I‘n enraged on your behalf OP. He honestly expects you to keep this secret from your daughter while he pretends to be a great dad? This shows his contempt for you.

I don’t believe him. He has just scraped the barrel to look for a reason that him leaving is your fault. He is not taking responsibility for the truth- he wants to shag other women.

op he has thrown away the marriage already. It’s heartbreaking. But you have no choice but to make the best of it.

Be angry OP how dare he do that to you. That’s how you need to be.

Your marriage is over, your selfish ex husband decided to announce he’s off to sleep with other women. There’s no coming back from that. As for your DD she will know already and if he cared he’d not have done this.

Start getting your finances in order so you are OK. Whatever he says about finances and you thinking he’s a nice man , he’s not a nice person at all he’s just left you to sleep with other people.

That's a bit odd as I've been on another older thread when browsing where you said you had had orgasms.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5431489-up-the-bum?reply=148238871