DH wants his freedom

[Keepmyshttogether]

Cannot sleep and trying to make sense in my head, please help me to see this.

long intro, sorry: DH, 30 years together, solid marriage, financial comfort, DD 16. The only issue is sex: I’m not orgasming, so I am less enthusiastic about sex, he feels his self-confidence suffers because of it.

he gave me a speach: love you, respect you, always will be there for you, but I need my freedom to live my life to the fullest. He started seeing other people immediately after.

we now live separately (we have two places as were trying to sell one of them, glad it didn’t happen yet), so it’s not unusual for us to travel in between places for work and social commitments. I haven’t seen him in person since he started his sexual re-discovery journey. DD doesn’t know anything yet, as she is boarding for the week and we are taking turns with her on the weekends.

We text each other on admin matters, no arguments or being difficult, but I am lost what to do next.my dilemma is that I love him, he is the best husband and father I can wish for, never had any doubts about his loyalty or principles.

is this his midlife crisis and do I accept my new reality and is it possible in your experience to rebuild the life together after something like this, maybe in a different format? He is clearly struggling, pushing himself to engage with others to renew his self-esteem.

I don’t understand why you’re just sat waiting for him to come back.

He’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be with you but you’re making it too comfortable for him to have his cake and eat it too.

He knows he can go and do whatever he wants and all he has to do is snap his fingers and you’ll come running.

You have to mentally accept that it’s over.
You don’t have to start dating right away but you do need to officially end things and never take him back.
That includes telling other people including your DD.

He is currently trying to find someone better.
If he finds someone, he is going to start a new relationship and your DD will find out.
If he doesn’t find someone he‘ll suggest that he wants you back but will still be looking for someone better.

I’m sorry @Keepmyshttogether but he is not a good husband. Rather than see what he could do to make sex more enjoyable for you or building on your relationship, he’s decided he needs to be able to sleep around. Disgusting.

I think you need to keep reminding yourself that he’s made this incredibly selfish choice and you have done nothing wrong. You are better off without him.

It’s not that he’s left, it’s how he’s doing it.
Leaving is a legitimate choice. But you don’t do it like this.

If he's been unhappy for a while, has held off leaving until now, has been honest with you and is trying to keep things civilised, I think you need to prepare for divorce.

He may realise that he misses you for you, but not guaranteed and anyway trust is gone. I'm sorry.

My BIL did this to his wife. Rented a flat with his new floozy leaving wife and teen boys in the family home. His boys really turned on him as you can imagine. 18 months later he came crawling back realise the grass isn’t greener on the other side. She took him back. That was about 8 years ago. I think if someone did that to me I couldn’t take them back

I don't think they are being unfair at all.

Marriage is supposed to be about the hard times as well as the good times. In sickness and in health you know? But after thirty years, instead of working on the sexual side of the marriage with the woman he made vows to, he chose to dump her to have sex with a new woman or women. Why does he deserve sympathy in your eyes?

He has moved out, he’s seeing someone else and you only text over admin stuff, even DD sees him separately

You are separated.
The marriage is completely over.
Why can’t you accept that?

He literally could not be more clear about it.
What else does he need to do to show you that it’s completely over?

Chances are OP, he’s not just having sex with random strangers with no emotional attachment - it sounds as though he has met someone else and is in a relationship with them.

He was likely having an affair whilst you were still together.

He says he loves me, wants to be with me but wants to have a freedom to explore other relationships without any guilt or restrictions.

I don’t know if it’s really an open relationship where only one person has other connections. We haven’t discussed this idea before and he already has another connection now. He accepts I will try to find someone else as well, asks to be careful 😂

Send him a message thanking him for everything, you've started "living your life" and have been having the best orgasms ever. Then watch him crawling back.

She wouldn’t be supported to go off and have sex with others whilst leaving her husband dangling, she would be supported to divorce him though.

Point is do I throw away a good marriage because of the side-sex? He would want us to be best friends, partners and co-parents but I cannot imagine how it would work

He’s a sleazeball. He’s treating you appallingly and needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you will not be treated so badly. Tell him you won’t be searching for a random sex partner but you will be searching for a divorce lawyer.

Not dreading it quite enough to let him stop him chasing all the women he fancies though?

My God these men and the lengths they go to to make their philandering sound acceptable.

And the women who continue to defend them. ’Best husband’ my arse. He had a sex life! He had a family! The absolute selfish greed of him.

It ISNT a good marriage though. He wants the best of both worlds and wants you to give him a free pass to do so.

Take that fucker to the cleaners.

His line: you will thank me that I’ve made this hard step, as it we all would be so much happier

It’s an extreme solution but you should have done more to solve the sex situation instead of brushing it under the carpet like so many women (and men) do. I’ve never had an orgasm but I absolutely love and need sex when I fancy someone and would hate it if they didn’t want it with me.

Please don’t do anything else for this man, you deserve better.
Nasty bastard!

If I will decide to divorce, there is no argument about finance separation, all equally split, wants to be sure my DD and I are financially secure.

Ah come on OP he is putting his dick into other women and you are posting what a great Husband and Father he is and wondering how to salvage your marriage. Have you no self respect? This is not a snippy comment I promise I just cannot fathom how anybody would be willing to tolerate this level of humiliation. He is taking you for a fool and you are lying down and accepting it. Tell him to fuck off.

My point exactly. I’ve never had any disgruntlement about luck of orgasm, maybe I’m built differently, maybe it’s mental. He is the only man I’ve been with

but for him, not being able to satisfy me, was the biggest blow to his confidence

Repeat his line back to him as you notify him that you have filed for divorce.

File for divorce first. He has moved out, abandoned his marriage. Why are you second guessing thinking you deserve to be left waiting for him to grace you with his cock again? He's a shit father and husband.

Tell your daughter and start moving on with your life.

I think there aren’t any rules. You can live your life any way YOU want.

What I would do with this stage is take it as a chance to focus on you. The bed, the house, your space is yours. Are there any things you have wanted to do but which got down prioritised in life and in the relationship? Have you wanted to meditate, do yoga, listen to musicals at top volume, get a cat/give the cat away? Eat meals that consist mostly of chickpeas, never cook/start making long elaborate dishes that take hours? Do whatever things appeal to you. Stop thinking about him. Why rush to tell your dd?

I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t continue to have a marriage type relationship, or live together again, if YOU want to. There are a million marriages where sex with a third party has been involved. He is honest and tbh I call what he has done reasonably respectful. But I’d want you to be very clear that that really is what you want.

I split 50:50
Now I wish I had pushed for 60:40
Try that and see how amicable he is

Everything you say sounds like he had this planned and someone else lined up. You are playing catch up. That's why you need a good lawyer behind you or if he agrees 60:40 then go for it while his guilt is still driving decisions.

With a new partner soon you will start hearing her words in his voice. Sorry op

Even if he genuinely is (or used to be) wonderful in a wide variety of ways, he has essentially left you without warning and without having any real discussion of how unhappy he was and what might be done to fix it, because (checking notes) he wanted to have sex with other people. In my opinion, to be blunt, he has ended things and the relationship cannot be restored in any recognisable form.

IF he arrived back tomorrow all apologies and promises, could you ever trust him again? And IF you somehow persuaded him to come back saying you would live with an open relationship (which it sounds like you think he wants, but it also sounds like he has not proposed or asked for), what happens when he falls in love with one of his other partners and s/he pressures him to make a life together? If someone had done this to me I don't think I could convince myself to believe that he'd stay with me no matter how much I sacrificed my needs to cater to his wants. The trust would be gone, and I wouldn't want to live like that.