DH wants his freedom

[Keepmyshttogether]

Cannot sleep and trying to make sense in my head, please help me to see this.

long intro, sorry: DH, 30 years together, solid marriage, financial comfort, DD 16. The only issue is sex: I’m not orgasming, so I am less enthusiastic about sex, he feels his self-confidence suffers because of it.

he gave me a speach: love you, respect you, always will be there for you, but I need my freedom to live my life to the fullest. He started seeing other people immediately after.

we now live separately (we have two places as were trying to sell one of them, glad it didn’t happen yet), so it’s not unusual for us to travel in between places for work and social commitments. I haven’t seen him in person since he started his sexual re-discovery journey. DD doesn’t know anything yet, as she is boarding for the week and we are taking turns with her on the weekends.

We text each other on admin matters, no arguments or being difficult, but I am lost what to do next.my dilemma is that I love him, he is the best husband and father I can wish for, never had any doubts about his loyalty or principles.

is this his midlife crisis and do I accept my new reality and is it possible in your experience to rebuild the life together after something like this, maybe in a different format? He is clearly struggling, pushing himself to engage with others to renew his self-esteem.

This is literally gold. Love it.

Well it's up to you. You should read "come as you are" and self pleasure and explore why you can't orgasm. Do you come on your own? Do you find it awkward wjeyher alone or with him or uncomfortable to discuss or be sexual, sensual, passionate? Things you should have explored ages ago. Sex therapists etc? Before just letting it go

But for now you need to think about it. He will end up having his head fully turned and maybe want to spend the rest of his life with someone. In that case he won't be so fair and equitable and may not want 50/50 split and won't be such a good coparent. This happens more often than you think: men (and women) can switch up and go cold, think of you as the problem, etc. Doesn't matter if NOW you think he would never - did you really think on your wedding day he would be wanting this. Ppl change easily

So you need to not be naive and arm yourself , sort things out financially now just in case, maybe even get some sort of agreement drawn up while he's nice rn, move some money around where he can't access etc maybe a joint account with your mum or someone you trust

Other option is you explore doing it together? Swinging? And seeing it as something you do to better your relationship or whatever. Bring you closer?

Or you try and find other people on your own and just enjoy a charmed life, std checks regularly but you both have to still prioritise family life and keep the side stuff as side stuff. But really surely that doesn't happen as people catch feelings and start resentment?

Have a glow up, makeover, new car whatever you want to feel better in yourself and live life for yourself, holidays solo etc friends. De centre him as a source of your happiness and protect yourself

OP having been the 16 year old off at boarding school while my parents decided to separate and presented it as a done deal at Xmas hols when I had no idea something had been wrong screwed me over mentally massively. So while you do all this separation crap please tell your daughter. Give her time to process. Its weird being away at school and your family life shifts so seismically when you aren't there.

It seems like your marriage is over - get your ducks in a row and make sure he cannot screw you over financially - especially during this time when he appears to be reasonable (apart from the sex thing, that's no reasonable hes a complete ass), tell your daughter you are having a trial separation but its likely to end up permanent (and not at Xmas it will ruin Xmas forever). And look after yourself instead of prioritising him.

He's cheating on you.

That's the ball game.

You don't need to end the marriage, he's done that already.

Be honest with your Daughter - don't let her fall for the same shit you are/have.

Take him for everything and make damn sure every friend, relative and mutual acquaintance knows he deliberately walked away from his marriage for sex - loser.

Wow. Ok. That's final then. Bewildering.

You need to pivot. He isnt coming back. Everything he is saying is just a more sophisticated 'its me, not you'. As an outsider, it makes me wary that this wash of 'reasonableness' is masking something else. See a lawyer.

The main thing is that he has moved out and doesn’t want to work on your marriage with you, it just not on the cards by the sound of it - he wants out so divorce is your only option.

He's the only man you've ever been with? And you struggle to orgasm. Just to check you arnt in antidepressants or other meds cos they can really mess your ability to orgasm. But aside from that no wonder he felt shit about it - because he is shit in bed. In 30 years he's never invested enough energy in you to have really good sex. Lots of women struggle to orgasm. But he should have put more effort into you and how / what it takes to orgasm. I mean, I realise everyone is different but have you never had a sex day where you shut everything else off for a few hours and just focus on having really good sex? I think nicely that you might find you arnt the problem here. I echo others and say buy some lovely lingerie put it on under some nice new clothes (jeans are fine) and buy a variety of different vibrators. Because it sound like you haven't put yourself first in a very long time and you still arnt. He's got you stockholmed syndrome into accepting shitty behaviour in bed and out.

Well I hope you are right but from experience men start off by saying this in order to keep you sweet and malleable but then when the chips are down they want as much as they can get and bugger you and your children.

My ex husband sold me just such a line and had convinced me we didn’t need solicitors, he wanted nothing etc but in fact it turned out he had been seeing a solicitor for months and used my ignorance to feather his nest in every way he could.

The truth is that once a man decides he no longer wants you they are in fact a different person who you don’t know at all.

Actually, I think they are the same person, just without the warm front of love and affection assumed during your relationship.

Take nothing for granted.

Expect the worst and prepare for it.

If it turns out your husband is the exception to the rule great but start protecting yourself now in case he isn’t.

HRT clinic. Testosterone for libido. Worth a try regardless of whether you’re with him or another or neither.

So he wants his cake and eat it too?

You need to find your inner anger and make the separation permanent and tell your daughter.
He doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t want to be with you because otherwise he would still be with you and not having sex with other people.
It doesn’t sound like you were in a sexless marriage, just that you weren’t getting the fulfilment out of it so enjoyed it less?
So instead of trying to work out what you would enjoy together he has decided to live as though he is single and get ‘fulfilment’ else where?
You should pity him, he’s a walking cliche… You need to have a real think about what you want going forwards, if he came back in 4 months after basically shagging around declaring he’ll never do it again and wants to live as a couple again, would you want him back?
He may not have slept with anyone before you had the conversation but you can bet he had had his head turned by someone/someone lined up. There is no way he would leave a comfortable marriage despite the difficulties around sex unless he had someone in mind.

Luckily he may be distracted by all the sex he thinks he is going to be getting so let him think he is doing you a favour. 30 yrs in and its 50% of everything. Take it, don't look back because given the opportunity he won't.

Shitty bastard. Wouldn’t it be funny if he found now that no matter how hard he tries, he can’t satisfy any woman! All the time it was him, not you…..
I realise you believe him when he says he doesn’t want to hurt anybody, he’ll be fair about everything, he won’t hurt your dd, blah blah blah.
But please keep a little chunk of your heart cynical and sceptical. If a woman comes along who is, perhaps, really good at faking orgasms, and likes a fancy lifestyle, his stance could dramatically change.
He’s unreasonable to expect you to be careful in any connections you make. He’ll be dipping it wherever and whenever. At this moment in time he has no right to even imagine you would take his opinion on board. That may be a moot point as I don’t think you’re in the headspace for a new fella anyway.
Just sit tight for a while. Don’t discuss your feelings and emotions with him - strictly business only. Hard as it may be, tell your dd that he has separated and that it is for him to tell her the reasons. Don’t dump on her - that’s what mates are for.
Eat well, try to keep to your routine, use friends and family to support and wait till you feel stronger for the big decisions.
And for what it’s worth, sex was awful during my early and mid 50s - now I’m 59 it’s great again. So don’t write it off totally. There may be a different life ahead.

Give that man his freedom - divorce him
Call a solicitor in your lunch break

Not much of a good marriage or husband in my eyes.

He wants his cake and to eat it. What does he expect you to do? An open marriage would be in agreement of both partners wholly agreeing and talking about it. Not one telling you how it is going to be and you have no say in it. While you sit at home wondering what he is up to. He knows full well if your sex drive is low atm you won’t be out seeking what he has.

If he he wants freedom…. it’s called divorce.

I would imagine your DD will know your marriage is in difficulties given you now see her separately. Seek legal advice while you can be on the front foot. When DD finishes school and school fees finish, you will be vulnerable to him getting together with a late 30s/ early 40s woman who wants a baby before it is too late; early promises of generosity may then fade. Get a STI check.

Oh dear, then his sex life will go out the window again as the new woman is up 4 times a night, knackered and not feeling up for a multiple orgasm.

Hi OP

I'm really sorry for what you're going through but this really hit home. He is prepared to cause your DD upset. Given his history, that's jawdroppingly selfish. Staggering.

As awful as this is for you, you have not wasted your life. You have lived your life and loved your husband.

Your husband, whom you loved, is now dead. He may be walking around, but he is not the man you loved.

You are now communicating with his proxy- a person who only cares about his interests, so you have to start prioritising yours. Get a solicitor and work out your minimum spend and times by at least three.

Please take some time and properly grieve for the man you loved, and remember you are still here, and your life will be worth living after this. Go through a funeral, if that helps, and take care of yourself for a while.

You will get through this.

XXX

but for him, not being able to satisfy me, was the biggest blow to his confidence

and what about your confidence and self respect, he doesn't give two fucking hoots about that

He is destroying you, you love him and yet he will not set you free

He would want us to be best friends, partners and co-parents

and what about what you want, its all about him isn't it

He’s being disingenuous by dressing up his desires as something noble. It’s not that deep: he’s entitled to end the relationship due to sexual incompatibility if he wants to, but he’s not entitled to string you along and muddy the waters with claims of love and respect in the process, giving you hope.

It sounds like he wants to test out his freedom before fully committing to it, so he’s carefully manipulating you and the situation to hedge his bets. That’s very poor, weak behaviour.

Perhaps he’ll find someone else, perhaps he’ll come crawling back. But if he does you’ll never be able to look at him in the same way again.

This happened to a friend of mine. Marriage was not unhappy but after 30 odd years together was sedate and they had different hobbies rather than shared. DH wanted an adventure so they divorced and he got together with a woman he shares a travel hobby with - think mountaineering. It didn’t work out and he’s now back with first wife, though not remarried. Guess the grass wasn’t greener on the exciting side of the fence.

Please find your anger at his betrayal, selfishness and arrogance.

See a solicitor immediately and secure your finances because your DH will have already secured his and it won't be favourable to you.

You can't trust him now so don't believe a word he says.

Take this advice OP. Get legal advice. It’s up to you what you choose to do with it, but you need to know your options and make sure he can’t screw you over whilst reassuring you he wouldn’t.

You see your daughter four days a month?? Wow

There is a lot of brilliant advice here @Keepmyshttogether

Your husband is a bastard.
No one who loves his wife would do something so painful.
Does he have a family history of high blood pressure? Because if he does his golden dick will be useless on the meds!
I echo others who said he's probably had his head turned by a 30/40 year old. If she wants a baby that's were the trouble starts and I've met a few that have got pregnant deliberately. He's back to nappies and your joint daughter will hate him. What an embarrassing arse.

Have you watched the film with Emma Thompson ' good luck Leo Grande?'. It's an interesting take on sexual fulfilment.
If he's your only experience you don't know if you're a raging slapper!😁

Fwiw my bff is 65, very pretty. Size 14 and has a very active sex life and lots of boyfriends. She gets rid if they're crap in bed. Two can play at your husbands game.

I'd see a lawyer though to get a separation of assets.