50/50 childcare split after separation: which schedule works best for children?

[Degreesofseparation]

Hi all,
My ex and I have recently separated and are trying to work out a 50/50 childcare split. For context, kids are 13 and 9, we are trying to do this as amicably as possible and we live extremely close to each other.
I think the best way to approach the contact is by each parent having the same two week days and then alternating the weekend. So -
Week 1
Mon, Tues - parent A
Tues, weds - parent B
Fri, sat, sun - parent A

Week 2
Mon, Tues - A
Weds, Thurs - B
Fri, Sat, Sun - parent B

And so on.
I like the idea of this because it means the kids have less transition and have the opportunity to have a longer (5 night) stretch with either parent once a fortnight. They know where they are on which days each week and it's generally more settled. And, because we are so close, we can still see the kids when we need/want.

He wants a schedule that alternates every 2/3 nights:
Week 1
Mon, Tues - A
Weds, Thurs - B
Fri, Sat, sun - A
Week 2
Mon, Tues - B
Weds, Thurs - A
Fri, Sat, sun - B
And so on.

He feels it will be better for them to have less time apart from the other parent. I feel like this is unsettling and, as said above, the kids can see the other parent (by and large) when they want because of our unique living arrangements.

We've been living apart for two weeks and have been following his way so far.

Does anyone have any experience or wise words about this debate? Is there any research that points towards the best way to do this?
Thanks so much

Agree with you

Great, thank you. Can you tell me why? Do you have experience of this?

My niece’s DC do one week with one parent, one week with the other. It means the DC know where they are in terms of school stuff and going to clubs etc - they don’t have to think which week it is: they’re either at Dad’s or at Mum’s.
Why don’ you ask your DC what arrangement they would prefer?

I don’t have experience of 50:50; I ended up 100% but I can happily say that practicality would favour your pattern. That’s for both the kids and the parents. Clubs stay standardised so no logging kit back and forth, the longer period on and off makes booking breaks with kids and without easier. Although it’s amicable now, and may stay so, constant juggling, communication and negotiation will get wearing quickly.

It’s too much backward and forwards and it will be a nightmare when the inevitable new partners/blended family comes along. I’d go for one week on, one week off. It’s very clear which parent has responsibility and where kit needs to be.

I think a week on week off is best

Have you asked the children what they think?

This. I think they are old enough to be asked if they have thoughts on it

Thanks all.
I'm reluctant to ask them just yet. It's all so new, and I'm also conscious that I don't want to put that responsibility on them now. Especially my DS (youngest) who will definitely feel like he's choosing /siding with one of us. I don't think that pressure is fair. I feel like they need to see us making the decisions that we feel are best for them.

We'll obviously listen to their views as we settle into whatever we're doing. And I'm hoping we'll be able to adapt and flex as a result of this.

I don't think week on/off is an option for any of us right now... Doesn't feel right (actually, I can't bear the thought!).

At 13 and 9, week on week off. Different days at different houses is confusing/taxing keeping track and tedious. Have a scheduled video call with other parent on a Tuesday and Thursday or something if having more frequent contact is important to the kids.

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s very tough I know.

I do your exH’s schedule (week 1 me Mon- Tue & weekend, week 2 me Wed - Thurs & weekend off).

Works for us successfully for 3+ years. I wanted to try your suggestion as set days because, for work purposes, it would have been better for me, but ex and DC weren’t keen at the time (similar ages to yours). They didn’t want to not see either of us for a 5 day stint, which was fair enough.

I would recommend speaking to the eldest, together, put options forward with both benefits and drawbacks. Don’t say it’s their decision but you want to take views into consideration

also worth just trialling it. Fast forward, and we switch it about and have longer periods depending on school, social lives, work etc

We do one week on/one week off, with dinner with the other parent twice on their ‘off’ week. So they’re sleeping in the same home a week at a time, but no more than 3 days without seeing the other parent. As others have said, it’s more settled with less shuttling about for them.

I think you need to involve them and ask them from the outset - especially your eldest and give them an element of control over their own lives. After all you have made a huge life changing decision FOR them . Ask yourself would you want to shuttle between two “homes” every few days or even every 7? No I’m sure not so why force that on your children in the name of “sharing” parenting.

There was a thread a while back where the majority of now adults who had to endure 50/50 childcare division hated it. You and their dad need to ask yourselves what is in their best interest - did you do equal parenting before? If not what is the motivation to start now (not wanting to pay CMS on the part of one parent for example) every child is different and what works because a court would say the starting point is 50/50 isn’t right for every child. My children - my eldest especially would hate it but other children may not be so bothered

I think if we were to separate with our range of kids from 18 down to early primary, we would alternate weeks. It would just be easier all round and more consistent. It would also give us room (over time) to do things we might want to do like spend a few days away with a new partner or friends without changing things up when we get to that point.

I think it basically has the most chance of longevity.

We do your version and it works brilliantly. Contrary to what people on MN say it isnt confusing because if its Monday its always daddy. If its wednesday its always mummy etc.

All pick ups and drop offs are to or fron school so no chopping and changing.

His version or week on week off only work if you need identical childcare. If you need before or after school clubs its a nightmare to find a provider who will do a rota that isn't the same every week.

Neither sound great for the kids. They’re changing house twice in a week, too much upheaval. If you live that close to each other why don’t you just do one week each and the parent whose week it isn’t could come round for dinner or take kids out for dinner one evening? Or kids live in one house full time and visit for evenings to the other house so that they have more stability and one permanent home?

Our schedule is what you are proposing. It was by necessity so I could arrange to work longer days half of the week and shorter days the other, for school pickup. Like you say, it gives DC a good 5 day stretch with each parent and never too long apart. They can also develop a bit of a routine eg brownies on Tuesday so I go from mum's, football club on Thursday so I go from dad's, and kit can be stored at the appropriate home.

Longer term it has worked for me too. I know what days I can book work travel, or sign up for evening classes.

We are flexible and will cover for each other when needed, and this also helps.

Ask the children!

What’s their schedule like re clubs and such? And how far away are the two homes? My kids are almost exactly the same age and I’d do one week swaps because the weekdays are busy and having the weekends to pack up and get organised for moving would make more sense as they both have loads of kit and musical instruments and such that we wouldn’t have doubles of. Moving around day to day would be hugely stressful for them.

My NDN does the option your exDH is suggesting. 2-2-3. She has three children with her ex and the youngest with her current DH. The three are 15, 13 and 11 and as far as I can see they've been at this schedule for the five years they've lived next door.

There's a lot of moving around with both options but yours is better for them knowing where they are. Week on week off would be the easiest for them though - how about week on week off with a Wednesday night at the other parent?

The current chopping and changing is a recipe for constantly leaving stuff in the wrong house, whether that is sports kit or favourite trousers.

We do week on week off. 10 years of it now.
It worked very well. Changeover on a Friday evening which gave the weekend to ensure all school bits and bobs made it across to the other house by Monday morning and no one had to remember anything complicated when arranging play dates etc.
I know a week seems long now but it goes quick and as the kids get older it becomes less and less of an issue.
Personally I would say keep it really simple and it just creates less friction overall

I think it depends on how far apart you live and what stuff they have going on.
if you live v close, kids can walk between you etc then less rigid routine is much better especially at those ages.
your teen is very likely not going to want a fixed schedule at all especially as start going out more with friends etc . If you don’t live near each other and weekends at dads means the 13 year old can’t see friends etc they simply most likely won’t want to go often i expect !

You should involve them , not in a choosing kind of way but in a we’re trying to work out what’s right for everyone, you won’t be forced into anything but we’d like to hear your views

also be prepared to not stick to whatever schedule you agree now.

my teens were very clear they did not want a schedule and pretty much came and went between us as they wanted

We do 50/50 like your suggesting.
He does every Monday Tuesday night
I do every Wednesday Thursday night
And we alternate weekends. Work's great for us for the last 3 years. Kids know the schedule. Kids ages are now 5,8 and 9. We felt they were too little to do a week on week off, especially 3 years ago. However once my youngest is older I will push for a week on week off.

One week on, one week off.

You say you “can’t bear the thought” of this, but it isn’t about you.

Can you imagine having to swap homes every couple of days? And having to remember everything you may possibly need for the days that you’re not in place A or B? Clothes, homework, books etc.

Your eldest will be doing GCSEs soon, say she chooses Art and because of the timetable she ends up having to lug artwork, pens, paints, brushes etc to school and back to each persons house and back multiple times a week, on top of PE kits, other school books, maybe a laptop etc. How stressful for them trying to remember it all.

You need to do what is easiest and simplest for the children.