50/50 childcare split after separation: which schedule works best for children?

[Degreesofseparation]

Hi all,
My ex and I have recently separated and are trying to work out a 50/50 childcare split. For context, kids are 13 and 9, we are trying to do this as amicably as possible and we live extremely close to each other.
I think the best way to approach the contact is by each parent having the same two week days and then alternating the weekend. So -
Week 1
Mon, Tues - parent A
Tues, weds - parent B
Fri, sat, sun - parent A

Week 2
Mon, Tues - A
Weds, Thurs - B
Fri, Sat, Sun - parent B

And so on.
I like the idea of this because it means the kids have less transition and have the opportunity to have a longer (5 night) stretch with either parent once a fortnight. They know where they are on which days each week and it's generally more settled. And, because we are so close, we can still see the kids when we need/want.

He wants a schedule that alternates every 2/3 nights:
Week 1
Mon, Tues - A
Weds, Thurs - B
Fri, Sat, sun - A
Week 2
Mon, Tues - B
Weds, Thurs - A
Fri, Sat, sun - B
And so on.

He feels it will be better for them to have less time apart from the other parent. I feel like this is unsettling and, as said above, the kids can see the other parent (by and large) when they want because of our unique living arrangements.

We've been living apart for two weeks and have been following his way so far.

Does anyone have any experience or wise words about this debate? Is there any research that points towards the best way to do this?
Thanks so much

Been doing your husbands suggested schedule for over 3 years and works well for us. But the kids don’t go anywhere. They stay at home so that’s prob a factor in it working. For us also having a week on/off is too much time apart and would reduce our ability to be flexible with work.

it just makes it tough if you want to do a weekly hobby or club for yourself.

I wouldn’t say being ‘affluent’ and an high earner equates to being a good dad. He’s obviously career driven and motivated by money which no doubt benefits the kids to some degree, but hopefully they won’t wonder why he didn’t go part time or got a less stressful job in order to see them more.

That is how you interpreted my message?

They are teens… they love their dad. Very much. A lot. Also love the lives and schools holidays and all round financial security they their father has provided them (and me!)

We have different opinions

Sorry you're going through this OP but it sounds like you're both working together in the best interest of your kids. I think that alone will have more impact than whatever rhythm you land on.

Since you live so close to each other, have you considered the cuckoo approach? The kids stay in the family home and it's the parents who switch. The kids then have all of their stuff in one place and have one permanent home.

That’s wonderful for you and your family. I’m pointing out that the high earning fathers have positives as you stated, but there can also be downsides too. I know a family where the parents live together but he’s based in London Monday - Friday and they enjoy all the financial security but now they’re older he’s feeling guilty for spending much of their childhood away. That’s all.

About what? My ex?

I wasn’t talking about high earning fathers

I think you need to reread the exchange

I said EOW is common place in affluent areas where pre divorce the mothers were primary care givers as they were Sahms or part time. I made no reference to the quality of the father.

Then I turned to MY ex who is as above but because I know him - I know he’s a wonderful dad. And perversely I reckon spends more time with his teens than most because on his weekends he literally always plans stuff with them or is happy to be their personal taxis any time of day (whereas I almost definitely am not! And on my weekends, i am much lazier re plans with them!)

Can you imagine constantly going away every two days, you get home and have to move, you move and leave

id do a 5 day at one place, then as you live so close the dc can pop round if they need

then it would be

Monday friday A
saturday Wednesday B
thursday Monday A
Tuesday Saturday B
Sunday Thursday A

they beauty of 5 days is they can settle a bit

or you do a month about seap

minday Thursday A
friday Sunday B
for 4 weeks and then swap

so you both get 4 days ir 3 days then swap over

Can't they just stay with one parent and have evenings, weekends with the other? No one wants to be chopping and changing beds every few days. I'm glad my parents didn't try 50/50 nonsense with me.

Or the parents buy a flat and swop back and forth? Kids stay at home. Easier for one adult to move than two kids.

As @inerja has said in the last couple of years, courts are favouring 50/50 so parents don’t have a choice.

Yes if it goes to court because one wants more than 50/50

But many many many do not go to court

indeed this Op makes no reference to court

But as I have said, currently because people know court will back it up, if a parent wants 50/50 & another doesn’t, both will end up with 50/50 unless someone is willing to compromise.

Yours is better. The kids have set weekdays in each house, so they know where they are. They probably have a 2 week school timetable which also helps.

It’s interesting reading the replies to this whereby posters are putting their own views on their feelings about moving houses having not experienced it themselves or even trialled it.

It’s important to remember scheduling to have your children 50% of the week is hard, so hard. There is no perfect scenario and no, it isn’t ideal kids moving about, but it is what it is and if you haven’t got the funding to set up a cuckcoo situation, a solution has to be found for the two parents and children, that works, as best it can, for them as a family unit.

1 week on/off, 5 days, 2-2-3 - it’s all worth exploring together as a family to discuss drawbacks, benefits, and trialing. Do what’s best for your family.

I ignore negative views on my co parenting set up because, quite frankly, it works for our DC, for me and my ex. But this thread is awash with opinions that I know will make some parents feel bad for doing some of the schedules that people are criticising. If you are one of them parents who are worried, concentrate and assess the psychological, emotional and educational outcomes of your DC on a regular basis. Talk to the DC regularly, and if you can, talk to ex about dc too about their emotional needs, and try and get on the same page if you can. It’s all about your DC and doing the best you can in a shit situation 🌺

But many fathers don’t want 50/50
And that can be for selfish reasons or practical reasons or realisation that they’ve never been close to 50/50 in the past so not in the child’s best interests.

Yes there are some that agree 50/50
yes there are some that go to court and 50/50 is prescribed

but many many many instances where 50/50 is
NOT happening

At 13 unless severe SEN that's surely old enough to have an opinion on how this arrangement will work.

I don’t need to re-read anything. I said the majority of EOW fathers is usually due to them being pretty shit dads, idle, useless etc… I didn’t say all.

He sounds like a nice dad and it’s works well for you all and that’s great.
i don’t disagree it happens often on affluent areas, I agree with this! Though I do wonder if children will hold their fathers to account when they’re older for not being around more. It won’t affect you though as you’re there for them them most

I don’t think I know enough to have any such definitive conclusions about the “majority” of any group that must comprise millions.

Apart from maybe reform voters

My kids' dad is a really good father, we just weren't right for each other. We coparent really well.

he has 3 nights a fortnight plus two dinners. He recognises that young children need a stable base and isn't selfish enough to drag them about every couple of days.

No personal experience but close friend landed on your way of doing it after several unsuccessful attempts at other arrangements and it’s working really well. Her kids are much younger though.

We all make assumptions day in day out as is human nature. We all hand opinions based on experiences. Some will agree others disagree…

Oh is the reform votes analogy supposed to be an insult?! Dear me. Look if you’re happy with your set that’s cool, why sweat it on here!