50/50 childcare split after separation: which schedule works best for children?

[Degreesofseparation]

Hi all,
My ex and I have recently separated and are trying to work out a 50/50 childcare split. For context, kids are 13 and 9, we are trying to do this as amicably as possible and we live extremely close to each other.
I think the best way to approach the contact is by each parent having the same two week days and then alternating the weekend. So -
Week 1
Mon, Tues - parent A
Tues, weds - parent B
Fri, sat, sun - parent A

Week 2
Mon, Tues - A
Weds, Thurs - B
Fri, Sat, Sun - parent B

And so on.
I like the idea of this because it means the kids have less transition and have the opportunity to have a longer (5 night) stretch with either parent once a fortnight. They know where they are on which days each week and it's generally more settled. And, because we are so close, we can still see the kids when we need/want.

He wants a schedule that alternates every 2/3 nights:
Week 1
Mon, Tues - A
Weds, Thurs - B
Fri, Sat, sun - A
Week 2
Mon, Tues - B
Weds, Thurs - A
Fri, Sat, sun - B
And so on.

He feels it will be better for them to have less time apart from the other parent. I feel like this is unsettling and, as said above, the kids can see the other parent (by and large) when they want because of our unique living arrangements.

We've been living apart for two weeks and have been following his way so far.

Does anyone have any experience or wise words about this debate? Is there any research that points towards the best way to do this?
Thanks so much

50/50 is a nightmare.
we did weekdays with me, weekends with him. I ended up doing 1/4 weekends because he hated it.
week on week off is better for you because you get your life back but it depends on how much the kids are used to being away from you. Mine can’t cope with longer than 5 days away from me so yet to try week on week off yet

Both suggestions are too complicated! Too much chopping and changing going on.
We did 50/50 from DC starting school with a week at a time, Fridays after school being the change over say, worked well for 13 years and even when at Uni, DC would still alternate with us by choice,
Yes, it was really hard on me at first, I missed DC terribly, but soon became the new normal. I would work longer hours when Dc was with m ex so could be more present when with me, we alternated weekends and holidays too,

Agree with you. My partner does 2,2,3 with his and it's just awful. Kids are never settled, always on the move. Personally, I don't think 50/50 is good for the kids however you do it.

There's a lot of back and forth in both your schedules. I think your children are old enough to manage one week on/one week off with maybe a midweek afternoon/evening with the other parent so they don't go a whole week not seeing you or their dad. This is what my friend did with her ex for years and it worked well - though in reality when the kids were teenagers they would often pop in after school to see her on their dad's week or weekend and vice versa. They lived close together so it was easy for the children to pop in when they wanted when they were old enough.

Neighbours and friends of ours do Mum 4 days then Dad 4 days. Weekends also get shared equally this way too. Summer holidays Mum first 2 weeks Dad week 3 Mum week 4 Dad week 5&6. Then back to 4 days each starting with Mum. They can choose to go on holiday or not. Xmas they do year 1 Mum Xmas Eve to Xmas 3pm then Dad Xmas day 3pm and all day boxing day. Second year they swap around. They are fairly amicable and pay half each for kids Xmas gifts which kids know are from both Mum and Dad. Their DC are 11 and 14. Dad is now in new relationship with woman with a DD of 12 but they still stick to agreement and it's worked for almost 3 years.

I didn’t say that. I said most parents are forced into 50/50 these days (I certainly was) & trying to do the best for the children in that situation. It’s not helpful for people to say, when someone is asking how to make the best of this enforced situation, how awful they think it’s for the children & that the parent should renegotiate, when that is just not possible. It’s much more helpful to respond with experience of 50/50 & ideas about how to make it easier for children who have to do it. And I can only speak for myself here but when I have asked for advice on 50/50 & been told it’s terrible for the children it’s only made me feel worse about a situation that was not my choosing, and which I was trying to make better for my child.

please ignore people telling you it’s no good for the children

You did

I would not say “ most” have 50/50 at all

EOW to father with maybe one mid week stay seems much more common

Not in the last couple of years. The courts have changed. I would love to have had EOW plus one mid week stay to the dad.

It may well be possible for the OP to negotiate a better outcome for her children. This thread isn't about you.

So you accept that you did tell the Op to ignore posters with a different view to you.

and maybe around you… but certainly not around me. EOW plus a night mid week much more the norm.

Of course not. But I am answering the question OP asked & also I believe, based on recent experience, it’s very hard to negotiate a different split these days given the state of the courts.
She didn’t ask about renegotiating. She asked about how best to do 50/50.

There's no indication that courts are involved.

We are not obliged to stick religiously to the question the OP asked. The OP didn't ask for your opinion on other posters or what the courts enforce, did she?

It's really rude to tell an OP to ignore everybody because their replies don't apply to YOUR personal situation.

Sounds like this couple are only 2 weeks in to splitting up

I don’t mean to be rude or to hijack the thread. I’m replying to the OP’s question. I am replying from my experience because that’s what was asked & I had good advice here myself from other people’s own experiences.
FWIW I didn’t go to court. But was advised by more than one lawyer as well as women’s aid that there was no point contesting my ex asking for 50/50 because I would be extremely unlikely to be able to persuade him or a court to agree to a different split. That’s the only reason I mention the courts.

Your contribution was valid

as were others that offered.

Point is - you shouldn’t tell the Op to “ignore” posters that have a different view and experience to you

The ones that usually end up every other weekend aren’t usually the best dads in my opinion. The ones that want more access, you would hope do it because they want to have a lot of time with their children and if they’re good dads then that’s beneficial, though I think some do it for financial reasons.

My advice OP is try them both and see what works best for you all. People like to have lots of opinions of 50:50 but generally it’s because they’ve gad kids with shit useless idle men. If works best when you get on and cooperate well. We’ve done it for 12 years or so and my ex is an amazing dad and my DH thinks he’s fab too. My two have two homes and two bedrooms (when we pop our clogs they’ll inherit a house each 😂) and now they’re older they chose really but they like spending time with both of us. Good luck you’ll make it work

You are so outdated.
unless safeguarding issues automatic 50:50

I do your husband's Patten with mine ( 6 & 4) and it works well. We have done this for 3 years successfully. He has a blended family now. I don't.
For our kids 5 nights would be too long away from the other parent.
We have discussed doing a week on / off when they're bigger. We will cross that bridge if this stops working and by then I'll imagine they will get a say in it.
Why don't you try both for 3 months and see how it goes. Family meeting in 6 months.

The ones that usually end up every other weekend aren’t usually the best dads in my opinion.

my ex has EOW and every Wednesday night. He is very very high earning and works obscene hours. So this works really really well.

Veey common in affluent areas where mothers were primary care givers as worked part time or Sahm. As I was (and am)

Yes if both are pushing for that - then yes of course.

but for most families - that doesn’t work.

It's really all about what is best for your kids. You both need to put your own wants and feelings aside and concentrate on doing what's best for the kids.
They're old enough to have a say so let them

No it doesn’t work and there is outrage at the family courts.
but it is the way it is. If men want 50% they get it and nothing mum can do about it. Even if he’s abusive it’s hard

I have my kids 5 days ,(4 nights )while he has them for 3 nights

Ndi not 50/50 he should be paying le really …. He doesn’t