50/50 childcare split after separation: which schedule works best for children?

[Degreesofseparation]

Hi all,
My ex and I have recently separated and are trying to work out a 50/50 childcare split. For context, kids are 13 and 9, we are trying to do this as amicably as possible and we live extremely close to each other.
I think the best way to approach the contact is by each parent having the same two week days and then alternating the weekend. So -
Week 1
Mon, Tues - parent A
Tues, weds - parent B
Fri, sat, sun - parent A

Week 2
Mon, Tues - A
Weds, Thurs - B
Fri, Sat, Sun - parent B

And so on.
I like the idea of this because it means the kids have less transition and have the opportunity to have a longer (5 night) stretch with either parent once a fortnight. They know where they are on which days each week and it's generally more settled. And, because we are so close, we can still see the kids when we need/want.

He wants a schedule that alternates every 2/3 nights:
Week 1
Mon, Tues - A
Weds, Thurs - B
Fri, Sat, sun - A
Week 2
Mon, Tues - B
Weds, Thurs - A
Fri, Sat, sun - B
And so on.

He feels it will be better for them to have less time apart from the other parent. I feel like this is unsettling and, as said above, the kids can see the other parent (by and large) when they want because of our unique living arrangements.

We've been living apart for two weeks and have been following his way so far.

Does anyone have any experience or wise words about this debate? Is there any research that points towards the best way to do this?
Thanks so much

I personally think a full week each taking it on turns, especially if kids can see either parent during the week due to living close to each other

My db did week on, week off. They switched on a Weds so his two boys wouldn’t have an interrupted weekend. Kids liked the stability of just having to pack up once, never getting in a muddle regarding where they’d be which made it easy for them to arrange their own play dates and hangouts, as well as organise books to meet complex school and sports timetables.

Your kids are getting older and have busy lives. You can call them when you like. It’s not really about what you and dad want - it’s what’s best for them.

Even if you cannot ask the 9 year old, it would be pretty rude not to ask the 13 year old.

Week on week off is best for older children, they know where everything is and school books are in the correct house.

One week one one off, but honestly, ask them they are old enough they may choose permanently one or the other with ad-hoc visits to the other

Week on/off is probably best for the kids at it will mean fewer transitions for them. You could add dinner on Wednesday with the parent on off week for a check in.

I think that you should at least ask the older one. A judge would allow a 13yo to choose contact and if they are annoyed by the imposed schedule they could end up forcing a change anyway.

Your schedule is better in the sense that you won’t have to chase ex for half of any childcare that you use for the 9yo as you both own certain days.

Agreed. This arrangement is much easier on everyone.

Sorry, but I don't think 50:50 is a good split per se. It's good for the parents but shit for the children.

DSD is in second year of uni now, but since she was 3 years old, up until she left for uni, she did 50% at our house. The pattern was Mon/Tue one week, Fri-Tue the following week.

It was always absolute chaos and so stressful. The schedule was always having to chop and change to accommodate DH's and his ex's work schedules, family events, birthday parties with different sets of friends, etc.

We are very close with DSD and she comes home often. But now she's older she says that the 50:50 pattern was rubbish for her and she never felt settled in any one place. Nowhere was 'home'.

Week on/week off is the least worst option I suppose. But it still leaves the kids not having a permanent base anywhere. What would they prefer? How far apart do you and your ex live from each other?

I would trial a few different options over the next couple of months and see which is best? You wont know until its tested really.

Their lives have been upended and it’s important they can still go about all the normal things like a deepening importance of friendships. You both need to put that first over your want to see them. Week on week off with a weds dinner is by the kindest on them. See how it goes and agree to review with the older one in 6m. The older child is going to have to be listened to here and may choose something different for a contact pattern than their sibling.

We follow your suggested schedule and it works really well. We started with a version of what your ex has suggested and we found it was a bit all over the place as one week someone had kit for a sports club and then the next week it was at the wrong home. But more importantly, everyone felt more settled when the days at each home were set to be the same during the week.

We have discussed moving to one week on one week off but the current set up is working so well we don’t see any reason to change at the moment.

Your schedule is pretty much what I have with my exH. They're with me on Monday and Tuesday, him on Wednesday and Thursday, me Friday, and we alternate the weekends. They come home to mine every day after school and he collects them from mine when he finishes work, which is because he lives in a part of town they can't easily travel to by bus, but it also works well because they check in with me every day, I can help them with homework etc, and they can keep all their PE kit and books etc here so it's easier in terms of packing bags - they're not always worrying about 'is my Spanish book at mum's or dad's'. It's more complicated than week on/week off in some ways, but it provides more stability, and they like it because they know where everything is, and that I'm always there after school. We're not quite 50/50 though.

This just goes to show that each child's needs are different. My DC requested 50/50 themselves in primary school after 6 months 70/30 (mostly with me) because they missed their dad! They're close to both of us. At 18 and 16 they still choose to be with us equally, despite being told that they can choose to do whatever they like, now.

Teenagers generally don’t want alternate weeks

and quite frankly - who would! Chopping and changing, leaving your favourite pair of shoes at one, forgetting your homework at the other, leaving your pe kit at one etc etc

they want a base. A home. And then to see the other parent when works for them. @Lexibletheflexible

That is how my ex and I operate. Teens with me, but they love their dad and will generally go to his every other weekend and maybe a dinner or two during the week

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Most teenagers I know are fine with it. Love it in fact.

My teens ( and their friends) absolutely didn’t want a strict alternating schedule at all. Generally prefer a base and the ability to move between/as felt.
abs certainly where parents didn’t live near each other generally didn’t want to go at all to stay with the other as they’d rather see friends and have a social life

My friend is separated and her children are 9 and 12.

Originally they had a schedule that involved the children going to and fro different houses 2-3 times a week, schedules changing week to week etc and it was a nightmare. The poor children were being shuttled around and felt like they didn’t belong anywhere. It was so miserable for them.

Now they do a week with one parent followed by a week with the other and the children are so much happier and settled with a much clearer routine and a longer period with each parent at a time.

Don't ask the children FFS.

CONSULT with them but don't give them any suggestion that the decision is in any way their responsibility - it's been 2 weeks and everyone is still in crisis management at this point.

At that age 50/50 is easier - no forgotten pe kits or food tech ingredients last minute. Still needs adults to manage the handovers though

And I imagine alternate weeks would also only work if no children had any disabilities to be considered.

1 child aged 10. Mon & Weds with me, Tues & Thurs with dad. We live close. Alternate weekends. We asked her and this is what she is happy with. It also works best around work, wraparound care and hobbies at the moment. If she wants to change it when she gets to secondary, we will.

the arrangement I have is
parent A Sun, Mon Tues nights - handover at 5/6pm on a Sunday.

parent b Weds, Thurs, Fri nights.

alternate Saturday nights - handover 9-10 am Saturday.

My grandchildren, boy and girl, were around the same age as yours when their parents separated. Parents lived in neighbouring villages, and they started off with 3 days here, 4 days there, alternate weekends etc.

After some time parents amicably agreed that this was difficult with uniforms, sports gear, homework, etc being at the wrong house, so they changed to one week on/off which turned out to be much better

The children and parents never went a full week without seeing each other as when on the 'off' week there would be a school event, friend's party, sporting event, lunch out etc

My grandchildren are now 17 & 20 and all is well - they seem to be relatively normal!

They have their own room in each house and no other children in the mix - I expect that helps

I hope it all works out for you and the children, particularly in these difficult early days

Every time this comes up on MN a bunch of people come on to say how awful it is for the children & how the mum should reconsider. But having divorced recently myself & had very good legal advice & advice from Women’s Aid & other places, I can say the courts now favour 50/50 & that any parent who asks for it will pretty much get it so it’s not a choice & not helpful for the people posting here about how to do it. And it’s not always to do with CMS either.
OP, we do the schedule you’re thinking of. With a 10 year old. For primary school kids where things are more regular it works quite well. PP have talked about moving things around but because each parent always has the same nights per week we have a situation where I always have the swim kit while his dad always has the football kit. My child prefers it because there is no handover; one parent drops off & the other picks up & school lets us leave a bag at reception with anything that does need to move between the two homes. (And they are both homes, contrary to what PP have said.) Where it gets hard is during holidays when we generally do week on, week off (or split weeks if there is a club or activity) & the handover is always stressful; my child doesn’t like having to say goodbye to one parent to go to the other. This is entirely avoided during term time. We also live near enough that if something is suddenly needed or wanted we can pick it up or drop it off.
we try to both go to school shows etc (in practice my ex doesn’t go & is not an involved parent but he has the option). And we try to be flexible around holidays & illness etc. Every 3 months or so I look at the schedule coming up & email a suggested split for holidays etc in that period & we have a bit of back & forth to work it out. By the end of this I generally end up doing more like 60/65% which is more what I wanted anyway & what suits our child.
We also have agreements around varying the schedule for family birthdays, mothers and Father’s Day, Xmas & other holidays & inset days. So we agree in principle how to do these but work out the logistics as they come up.
i hope this is helpful & please ignore people telling you it’s no good for the children. I am sure no one here had children planning to do 50/50 but if you end up having to get divorced, often for reasons totally beyond your control (abusive ex in my case) then you have to make the best of what you can do going forward & so the absolute best you can for your child.

Why should the OP “just ignore” posters with a different view to you?